. lonely words

[reverie,]

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I think I see you getting farther and farther away
You told me you would come back, one day
We will be together again, one day

I took your drawings down from my walls
last night
I deleted the pictures of you from my computer
this morning
I watched those videos of you playing music in France
for the last time

It's certainly not that I don't love you
because I know if you offered anything i would take it
in a heartbeat
but I can't sit here and rot alone
until you decide you want to pick me up

so in the mean time i'll hug you when I see you
i'll smoke a cigarette, or two
occasionally with you
and then I will smile at your beautiful eyes
and say goodbye

[reverie,]

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i dreamt of you last night.
i dreamt i saw you walking on the street,
and you asked me if i wanted to get coffee;
and you put your arm around my shoulders while we walked,
you smiled at me when i talked.

and at that little coffee bar,
you asked me why i kept staring at you
at your face.

little did you know we were broken up
outside of this dream,
but i did know, i was painfully aware.

and i still loved you, i still missed your face
and i wanted to take it in
every little beautiful detail
before i woke up.

i am plagued with the irrational fear i will never see it again.

[reverie,]

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oh my god
it was the five months
it was the first time, the first night, the navy sheets
and shaggy floral duvet
it was every. single. breath you took from me

it was every picture you took of me
six rolls of film
two tall boys
hooky on a monday morning
brookyln

it was every picture i took of you
bagels and coffee
of you driving, smoking
you and your dog

it was the wide format picture that stranger has of us
of me kissing you goodbye
grand central terminal
track 25
the last time you came to visit

it was every last thing i gave to you
every little piece i had left

it is empty now

[reverie,]

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i will come across a corduroy shirt in a thrift shop
and i will endlessly ponder whether it's worth it

ultimately, i will not buy it.

i will go out of my way just for that small $4 cup of drip coffee
that i will wait five minutes for them to make
even though it's black

i will spend a dumb amount of money developing my film
printing the images

i will spend more time organizing my exposures
than i will doing my homework

but i stopped smoking black tobacco

i returned to painting flowers

i'm starting to wear colors again

[reverie,]

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i heard it this morning, my name
you told me you missed me

oh wait
no you didn't,

you weren't actually there

it was so vivid
i'm not crazy
at least i know it was a dream

but it did happen!

before this morning.

[reverie,]

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I am so skinny
and everything i drink is so bitter
bitter; like you

hopelessly harsh

take off your shirt and show me all of your scars
ill take off mine and show you the one you left

you are so weak,
maybe not weak, maybe you are blind
maybe you simply did not love me

blindness is never an excuse
I am blind too!
bring me to see the art
and we can close our eyes together!

yes, leave me right here in this very dark room
tell me you'll find me find me again when you need me
see if i believe you
oh wait, i do.

you are a liar
you are so beautiful and so unintelligent
you know you are lost
you are decaying
and you took all the euphoria i had to offer
and threw the body to the dogs.

---

welcome home my prince
there are no cigarettes in hell.

[reverie,]

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i am so proud of your distressed lungs
i am so proud of your blue grey eyes
and i am so so proud of cracked and blackened hands

i will always smile at your scruffy face
and i will always love your music, even if i can barely hear your voice
and i will always smile at the sight of you
even if you're with someone else
even if you won't smile at me back
even if you won't look at me

i am so happy you are alive
i am so happy for you
because if i can't be happy for you
i'll never shed this dark dark cloud
i'll never be happy for myself

so i'm smiling while i'm writing this
i'm staring through watery eyes
i may never trust you again
but i will love you again.

[reverie,]

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i don't know
if you want to know
if you already know
if you don't care

i asked you when we first met,
do you trust people?
and you said no.

good. I don't either
so why stop there? if you didn't trust me

but i'm starting to feel like you do now
and here you are caring about me
but you clearly don't understand
how cracked, how broken, how completely destroyed i am

because i know for a fact
if he came back in my life even for a moment
i'd drop you in a second

sick, right?
right. it's a sickness
a sickness i told you i have
the reason i won't let you in my heart
the reason you've only ever been in, ever seen the surface parts of me

the reason that hold me back
from replying to you at 1:08am
when you ask me if you'll ever see me again

[reverie,]

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[ 44 degrees has never been so warm; spring has never felt like this before

I am happy
because it went better than I had anticipated
of course it was all a bit hazy
but who could blame me for that part.
I heard the words I wanted to hear
all of them
I told you some of the things
that clung to my chest
heavily.
and you held me in your arms
it wasn't brief
actually it was playful
it was warm.
and though I crashed right after you left
I feel better now
with the adrenaline from the lack of sleep
running through me
and the residual notes of comfort
you rubbed off onto me last night.

[reverie,]

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I'm writing about the warm weather
I'm writing about the black coffee you'd make me in the mornings
the mornings we would spend in bed
watching twin peaks.

i'm writing about the evenings we would spend
under the sheets
watching black mirror
and talking about our trips to Europe.

and no matter what time of the day
your window would be open
there's that ever present scent of incense lingering around your room
and your cologne on your pillow.

i look forward to summer
i look forward to the warm sun