My Poems (Posting Open)

[Nocturnal Creatures]

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[Nocturnal Creatures]

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[Nocturnal Creatures]

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[Dylan Klebold]

They're quite nice... Well done.

The war poem sometimes don't rhyme, to let you know.

[Sehunnie]

The Leopard:

Golden pelt of sunlit flames,
Dark rosettes of nighttime games,
Fangs that tear and pierce the flesh,
Claws that rip through iron mesh,
In his forest of snow and ice,
He can never afford to be that nice,
In the gloom his amber eyes shine,
As he hunts the prey that runs out of time.

- <3Oliver Queen<3

Please give criticisim!

I really like this one I think that you have used great discriptive words in all of you peoms. All of your peoms are touching in a way all there own.

[Nocturnal Creatures]

thanks and for the war one I never really intended for it to rhyme. It might be for a school project about photojournalisim and it is based off a photograph. I don't even know if we are allowed to do a poem for it but if we are then the war poem will be used.

[folle]

Very good poems Beautiful rhythm for the first one. I'm not normally one for poems, but this is really good.

War:


I hear, I hear the captains battle cries,
And the sound of many mens final breaths.

I see, I see other fall around me,

Sorry, I have to be a Grammar Nazi, bear with me here.

"Captains" should be "captain's", or "captains' " if there's more than one.
"Mens" should be "men's".
And I believe you meant "others, plural.

Okay, that out of the way, the only thing I'd change about the first poem is the next-to-last stanza:

War:


I fall, I fall down to the ground,
And land with a silent thud,
I fall, I fall into the mud,
And land with a silent thud.

It's a really emotional part, and I think it might need a word maybe a bit more powerful than "thud". It's hard, though, to keep the beat and convey what you mean, so that's just an errant thought.

The Leopard:

In his forest of snow and ice,
He can never afford to be that nice,
In the gloom his amber eyes shine,
As he hunts the prey that runs out of time.

This one is absolutely gorgeous at the beginning. I really love it. But it kind of starts to deteriorate near the end. The last line in particular ran a bit too long. Since I'm not much of a poet, it's a inexpert opinion, but maybe that one should be edited. But again, I really like this one. It's almost like a song.

Oh, I need to get off... I'll come back if I can Really good poems.

[Nocturnal Creatures]

Thanks I haven't had a chance to edit the mistakes which I was planning to do. Also my leopard poem was my first ever attempt and it was the best I could get it but I have been planning to edit them anyway.

[Nocturnal Creatures]

Added a new one

[Nocturnal Creatures]

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