Undiscovered Worlds- LOOKING FOR CRITIQUE!!! <3

[suzhay]

Yeah, no problem. That would be great. And you don't have to worry about me stealing because I can never write stories in the first place. ^_^

[LuvFinnick123]

Awesome! Thanks!

[LuvFinnick123]

bump!

[Chocolatejunkie]

I really like this- I can identify with the characters. Good work

[LuvFinnick123]

Thank you so much! If anyone wants to read more please PM me!

[ＦＵＣＣＩ ＤＡＵＧＨＴＥＲ]

I really like this story's plot line- makes me wish I'd written it. (But don't worry I'm not a thief ) It's really interesting, but I think you do need a better hook; the opening paragraph was a little low-key. (Maybe you could try pulling a Rick Riordan ((Author of the Percy Jackson books)) and have your first sentence key the readers into the action. Ex: "Even before he got electrocuted, Jason was having a rotten day." (From the Lost Hero.)
I also really like your characters. They're easy to identify with and fun to read about. I'd like to be more clued in on Maci's thoughts. One thing: I think Dustin and Maci's descriptions shouldn't be in the same paragraph, especially since there isn't much on Dustin and it goes into full detail about Maci.
Also, I noticed a few grammatical errors, mostly with commas. For example, "'Hey! What are we doing in Science Cammi?'" should have a comma after "Science." Microsoft Word or an editor would fix that for you if you plan on publishing it, but for now...
One last/more thing: With the scene about the cookie dough, it wasn't really confusing, per say, but I think Dustin overreacted- he had, like, an INSTANT freak-out. What was that about?

Maybe that's a lot, but I always have a lot of opinions ANyways, the problems are all small things that would make your story a little better.

BTW I SO WANT TO READ MORE!

[LuvFinnick123]

I agree with you on both the character descriptions and the introduction I also agree with the grammar part as I am often unsure of when to use commas. On Dustin's instant freak out, I'll check on that and see if I can make it better! Thanks so much! I'll PM you with more

[LuvFinnick123]

bump!

[LuvFinnick123]

Fixed the beginning!

[LuvFinnick123]

bump!