Stealth of a Storm

[naturalharmony.]

(Chapter 1)

"Come on little clouds. You can do it. Just slide over-" Her wishful praises were soon cut off by her energetic sister prancing vivaciously around her. "Play with me Hazel! Come on!" Hazel's sister whined, pushing her small head against Hazel's flank.
"No. Not here. Not now." The older Fennec fox replied firmly, turning her calm gaze back to the sky where a few clouds were drifting further towards the blinding sun. "Yes...that's right..Keep go-" Hazel was broken off again by another hyperactive fox, nudging her then stared up at where her sister was gazing wistfully. "Who ya talking to?" He asked, bouncing restlessly.
"Agh! Leave me alone" She growled then stalked angrily away from the young fox, her tail twitching irritably.
Settling herself down underneath a towering cactus, Hazel bent down to lick her ruffled chest fur before gazing back up at the sky. The clouds were just teasing the adult and soon they began drifting away from the sun. "Just a little shade?" Hazel whined at the sky.

~~~

Standing up on his hind legs, an adult prairie dog looked cautiously around. "A storm is coming." The prairie dog barked to the rest of the colony.
"Storm? Are you sure Ade?" A voice asked anxiously.
"Yes. Calla. I am sure. " Ade answered firmly. "Into the burrows. We must be safe when the storm hits." He barked then scurried quickly away, the others following him nervously.
Once inside the burrows, everyone was twitching restlessly.
"Stop moving Bracken!" Complained one voice.
"Stop moaning!" Ade growled.
"We can't help it!" A tiny voice retorted.
Ade sighed, muttering something angrily under his breath before scampering further down the tunnel. "Stop squishing yourself and start spreading out. " The prairie dog leader, Ade, ordered before heading further up the cool, sandy tunnel.

~~~

A Fennec fox was looking towards the dark horizon where great, foreboding clouds gathered, carrying river-loads of rain. Thunder growled an ominous warning of a storm. Rain had already started to lash down at the dry desert. "A storm!" The fox yowled out to the group of Fennecs behind her. "Into the earth!" The leader fox called again and ran into a small tunnel in the ground, the others following at her heels.
"Is everyone all right?" The leader asked anxiously.
"Yes Blossom. In perfect shape." A gruff voice replied, looking straight at Blossom.
"Great!" Blossom barked then trotted down another tunnel. "Through here. " Blossom ordered quickly, pointing her tail to the tunnel she was in.
"Mum? How long will the storm last?" A young adult fennec asked.
"I'm not too sure Hazel." Hazel's mother replied worriedly then nuzzled her daughter's head comfortingly.

[Areater]

I like this! I will be waiting for more ^.^

[naturalharmony.]

I like this! I will be waiting for more ^.^

Thank you! *Huggles* I've just added a bit now.

[Areater]

This is good ^.^ This is Really Good.

[naturalharmony.]

This is good ^.^ This is Really Good.

Thanks! It really means a lot to me since this is the most posts I've got ever in a piece of art, thread, or anything made by me. Have you got any critique? (Don't be nice. Be harsh if you need to. ) I would looove critique.

[Areater]

Well, I have a little critique for this Paragraph: "Come on little clouds. You can do it. Just slide over-" She was soon quickly cut off by her energetic sister bouncing vivaciously around her. "Play with me Hazel! Come on!" Hazel's sister whined, pushing her small head against Hazel's flank.
"No. Not here. Not now." The older Fennec fox replied firmly, turning her calm gaze back to the sky where a few clouds were drifting further towards the blinding sun. "Yes...that's right..Keep go-" Hazel was broken off again by another hyperactive Fennec fox, bumping into her. The tiny Fennec stared up at where her sister was gazing at wistfully. "Who ya talking to?" He asked, bouncing around restlessly.
"Urrgh! Leave me alone" She growled then stalked angrily away from the young fox, her tail twitching irritably.
Settling herself down underneath a towering cactus, Hazel bent down to lick her ruffled chest fur before gazing back up at the sky. The clouds were just teasing the adult Fennec and soon they began drifting away from the sun. "Just a little shade?" Hazel whined at the sky.

You should tell us who 'She' is earlier, in my opinion. You don't know her name species until later in the paragraph..you just kind of jump in. And also you wrote he in one spot.

But Other than that, it's wonderful!

[naturalharmony.]

Well, I have a little critique for this Paragraph: "Come on little clouds. You can do it. Just slide over-" She was soon quickly cut off by her energetic sister bouncing vivaciously around her. "Play with me Hazel! Come on!" Hazel's sister whined, pushing her small head against Hazel's flank.
"No. Not here. Not now." The older Fennec fox replied firmly, turning her calm gaze back to the sky where a few clouds were drifting further towards the blinding sun. "Yes...that's right..Keep go-" Hazel was broken off again by another hyperactive Fennec fox, bumping into her. The tiny Fennec stared up at where her sister was gazing at wistfully. "Who ya talking to?" He asked, bouncing around restlessly.
"Urrgh! Leave me alone" She growled then stalked angrily away from the young fox, her tail twitching irritably.
Settling herself down underneath a towering cactus, Hazel bent down to lick her ruffled chest fur before gazing back up at the sky. The clouds were just teasing the adult Fennec and soon they began drifting away from the sun. "Just a little shade?" Hazel whined at the sky.

You should tell us who 'She' is earlier, in my opinion. You don't know her name species until later in the paragraph..you just kind of jump in. And also you wrote he in one spot.

But Other than that, it's wonderful!

I was meant to post he because the 'he' is a male fennec and he's asking Hazel who she's talking to. Also, I keep the name unknown for a while because then it will always be revealed in speech or another way. And also for the species I thought I shouldn't just start by describing the animal who's speaking, name, age, species etc. I thought I could explain it more as I go on. But thank you anyway for telling me what you think is wrong or what you could critique.

[Areater]

Oh, now I get the 'He'.

[naturalharmony.]

Bbump

[kami_]

...wow! You never told me you could write like that, I can't wait for the next chaper! Sitting on the edge of my seat! Literally