fire burns brighter in the darkness; critique welcome

[Ω Alice Liddell Ω]

I'm afraid you will find it hard to get critique on this. It's simply amazing, and the depth of the characters is amazing. I can't find a single thing wrong except for the fact I can't keep reading it forever.

[katniss,]

entry eleven;

I can't help but wonder how Marius is feeling about me right now.

Marius was my first true love. My blinding, dissipating, cataclysmic, tantalizing infatuation. Before I went into my first games, when I was a naïve fourteen year-old whose wide-eyed innocence remained untainted by the ineffable impurity of infanticide, Marius Tibel hadn't dare to give me the time of day. I was just the mundane face in a sea of extraordinary complexions. But I didn't really mind; I had grown used to being ignored. But after my games, he smiled at me. He talked to me. He laughed at my jokes, my bitter retorts to his own teasing remarks. He would visit me everyday, bringing me a simple red rose from his mother's garden. Marius was my knight in shining armor, whom I had dreamed of to rescue me from the tormenting insanity of my own mind. At that point in my life, I hadn't come to accept the beauty of my own existence. I was still trying to deny myself of my own, consuming desire to be who I truly was. And Marius had made me naively happy, in that sense. He had won the games a few years before me, so I thought he maybe understood what was eating me up from the inside out. But he didn't.

When I told him how I felt, how exhilarating the Hunger Games had been for me, how refreshing it felt to destroy another person, he didn't understand. He turned away, but couldn't hide his own repulsion of my confession. We had both gone through the same experience, but that didn't mean we were the same person. He wasn't a killer. He wasn't like me. Sure, he had killed but he wasn't a monster.

In retrospect, I know I was an idiot. But as I was a blissful, happy idiot.

Most people just brushed off my heartbreak over Marius as imbecile; a sixteen year-old cannot fall in love. Rather, they called it the mere infatuation of an inexperienced juvenile who was too insecure about her own flaws that she was blind to those of others. But that's not how I see it. What is the true difference between love and infatuation? Both are obsessive, warped, mindless, uncontrollable. Both are a game played by the mightiest of fools. Both devour every fiber of strength possessed by those who are infected with its poison? Both end in despair, never amounting to anything more than a brief yet marvelous infliction of insanity. I don't understand why love is considered humanity's greatest endowment, when so many people are hurt by its clutches.

[katniss,]

entry twelve;

Marius is dead. That alone, I can grasp.

But the fact that I killed him is still beyond my physical comprehension. I can't believe it. The realization hasn't hit me that I killed the only boy I have ever felt the slightest pang of raw emotion for. I killed him. I killed him.

Nero and I tracked Destiny and Marius done quite quickly; they didn't bother to cover up their trail very well. Disseminated blood scattered on leaves, the odd scuffed foot print. It only took a full day of hunting to run the two of them down. What dimwits! They ran right towards the ravine cliff-top! Destiny tried to convince us to let them go by weakly threatening us: "Don't get any closer!" Her voice wavered and her hand, which was holding a meager short knife, quivered nervously. The stench of feeble fragility made me want to vomit. I think I laughed. Nero snorted. Neither of us graced our pathetic victim with a word.

Nero looked at me, and I nodded. I knew he wanted to go for Destiny; something about him made me understand that he liked to target those he could easily out maneuver. It is probably why he hasn't tried anything on me yet. When I looked back at our targets, I looked at Marius's feet. There was a good thirty feet in between us, so I knew at the time I had to move quickly in order to close that space before he could try anything elaborate himself. For a fraction of a moment, I glanced up at his eyes but I only saw betrayal. That flicker of disgusted betrayal was what motivated me to lunge towards him. Did he really think I would bother sparing him? Like he would have done the same for me! If he wasn't so goody two-shoes he probably would have already tried to kill me. Besides, I am here to win. I am here to go back to my solitude in District Seven and continue to train the tributes of each year's Hunger Games. That is my destiny. I am a monster who is destined to cultivate monsters. Not die at the hands of another.

Marius was quicker than I thought. With my ax in hand, I sped towards him, but he deflected the blow I had prepared to make by hitting my forearm with his fist. His knock was enough to loosen my grip. An upper cut on my right shoulder and my weapon clattered out of my hand, skidding towards the cliff before tumbling over the edge and far beyond my reach. His defiance outraged me - in fact, it filled me with a burning fire that spurred my muscles with adrenaline. Like a ruthless predator, I leapt for him again. He tried to pull the same move, but I'm ready. I swing my right shoulder back to dodge his blow, then throw my hands up to his throat. They meet their target.

Desperate, he grappled at my talons with his own hands. Saturated with sweat and clammy with despair, they slipped as they tried to pry at the tightening grip. I still feel the burning scars of his desperate attempt to escape on the back of my hands as I write this right now. As I walked forwards, I shoved Marius to the ground. He began clawing at my cheeks, my mouth, my eyes. I got his arms pinned under my knees after some struggle. His hands definitely hit their mark, though. I can still barely see out of my left eye, which his finger nail had dug into.

Something made Marius stop struggling though. I hadn't tightened my grip completely; it was enough to cause immense pain, but not enough to adequately strangle him. But he stopped wildly grasping the air. Instead, he looked me right in the eyes and said something that I will never forget until the day that I die.

"If only I could have saved you."

Marius Tibel never loved me, but he wished he could of. Maybe he thinks his love would have changed me, saved me. Stopped my lunatic spiral into complete barbarity. I wish that it would have saved me. But he didn't love me. He saw me as a weakling who needed rehabilitation. Even as I wrenched my hands around his throat, he pitied me.

I didn't and I still don't understand that pity. I was strong, unbeatable, unbreakable. So bent out of shape that I was resilient to even the most unyielding forces. Why did he pity me? The sorrow of a fool, I suppose.

Unexpected, overwhelming anger. It coursed through my veins with an unstoppable force that one cannot comprehend unless they experience it for themselves. My mechanical grip tightened without me making the conscious decision to. Marius tried to say something else, but I didn't want to hear it. I started screaming for him to stop. His thin body convulsed underneath mine and after a few abrupt, unnatural twitches, Marius went limp. Dead. Gone.

And I killed him.

[katniss,]

I'm afraid you will find it hard to get critique on this. It's simply amazing, and the depth of the characters is amazing. I can't find a single thing wrong except for the fact I can't keep reading it forever.

Wow, thanks! I really appreciate you saying that! I thought no one was commenting because it was boring or something D: But now that I know that at least a few people find it interesting even amazing really means the world to me!

---

I have added two new entries! c:

[katniss,]

entry thirteen;

I didn't show any grief to Nero. I would never be that dumb. Over the years I've learnt to bottle up how I feel inside, because showing any signs of true, raw emotion is the quickest way to open yourself up to betrayal. After we managed to kill Destiny and Marius, Nero and I made our way north, backing up our tracks in hopes of running into other tributes.

I didn't ask him how he killed Destiny. I know he killed her, because when it finally registered in my mind that I had killed Marius, it also registered that Destiny's body was lying limp, her arm dangling off the edge of the cliff. I just nodded, but didn't say anything. I knew if I asked him about what he did, he would ask me about what I did. And I was doing my best to block out the fact that I killed the only person who had ever wanted to help me.

So we just got up, brushed off our clothes, and started walking again. We are stopped now on top of a small hill between the forest and the ruins. We need to rest, before we completely wear ourselves out. Nero is asleep, but don't think he is properly sleeping--especially because he knows I'm awake. I rarely sleep, anyways.

Earlier this evening, Nero asked me a question. "Don't you ever feel bad?" I asked him what he meant by that, and he just said "You know, about killing people." I just shrugged. Honestly, I don't feel bad. I feel great. I've never truly felt any guilt for killing someone. It's the natural order of life. Kill or be killed. But Nero, he feels differently. I realize now why the son-of-a-b*tch is so angry all the time. He wants to feel bad for what he does, but he doesn't. He tries to fight the monstrous tendencies of his nature, but he never succeeds. So I just shrugged, and whispered softly to him "I don't think it truly matters if I feel bad, I kill anyways."

Then, Nero did a strange thing. With the Destiny's blood still plastered on his face and painted on his hands, he leaned forward and grabbed my face, bringing it closer to his. He kissed me, softly. It felt sweet at first, innocent and pure. But then, when I registered what was going on, it began to morph into a twisted, painful experience. All I could see was Marius, and Illiana, and my father, and my sister, and everyone else I had hurt in some way. How could I sit here, in an arena of death, and let the boy with the train-wreck mind kiss me? I opened my eyes, and shoved him away.

"What the hell, man?"

"I.... I, um, I don't know. I'm sorry."

I turned around to grab my dagger.

"Hey hey hey, slow down there Evi. Calm down. Sorry. Won't happen again."

I hesitated, my fingers lacing around the hint of the dagger with skepticism. I couldn't afford to have a stupid boy try to kiss me and make me feel guilt about myself. I wasn't a prude, I'd had my fair share of experiences, in that sense. But I didn't need it here, or now, or ever again. I didn't need to be confused and diverted from my destiny - to win the games again. To be the champion of champions, and to go back to the same empty house with the same empty people with the same empty eyes that faintly flickered with pity and disgust. It wasn't a perfect life, but it was my life. And kissing Nero would do nothing to help me.

I let go of the knife, and glared back at him. "Don't try it again, dumba**." He laughed, so I just huffed and turned away from him. I need to find a new ally, because I can't have an idiot watching my back.

[katniss,]

I realize this topic is old (from January-ish) but I really want to keep writing this story now that I FINALLY have time. I am not reviving a dead thread so much as continuing to write a story that got a little dust on it. Hope you enjoy my new entry (if anyone still reads this).

[glassea]

KAT. you have no idea how much i've missed your updates, and evi's voice. i just reread this last week actually c: i adore your new entry, and the parallels between nero and marius. keep writing, girl!

[katniss,]

Thanks so much Glass! I have been gone for so long because school and life really loves to make me have no time for fun :c but now summer so I have time to be a hermit write. But thank you so much! It means so much that someone still reads this!

[katniss,]

entry fourteen;

My situation is getting dire. I need to get rid of Nero and I need to do it quickly. He is weighing me down with his complicated idiocy. I don't understand him. I thought he was like me-- cruel, ruthless, emotionless. But he isn't. He didn't want me to kill that girl tribute from his district, he tried to kiss me. He is crazy, but not in the good way like me. He is stupid crazy.

We are hunting down the career pack, right now. There are three of them - the arrogant Penn from District One, the muscular boy from District One, and the boy that looks like a wolf from District Four - all camped together near the ruins. Other than the career pack, there is one boy left, hiding out somewhere. It was the boy tribute from District Two who never interacted with anyone else during training; he had gone off by himself, most likely. He must being picking his enemies off one at a time, no doubt.

I need to kill Nero soon, but I can't take out three trained killers out by myself, no matter how swift I am. Especially since Penn has a deadly precise aim with throwing knives. So I have to keep him around for just a little bit longer, and then kill him after I'm done using him. Nero and I are planning on jumping them at dawn. I will take out the wolf-boy from Four with an arrow before any of them notice we are there. Then Nero will tackle the boy from District One and I'll go for Penn.

I hope her death is satisfying, because she was so damn irritating during training that I wanted to kill her before we even got into the arena.

We head out tonight at midnight to find those stupid careers.