Writing Lessons for PFDC~

[Korona Knight]

Sorry, this is a day late!

We're just going to jump right into it, since that seems to be the easiest thing right now is just get going.

Since you and another student that just started are on the same level here, I'm going to give you the same assignment I gave her ^^

I want you to write a small part of a story {so don't worry about having a definite starting point and a definite ending point, it's just a scene} for me. It can be about anything you want, this is just letting those "creative juices" flow. The story should be no longer than 5 paragraphs long, each paragraph less than 10 sentences, if you can manage it ^^

Good luck!

[PFDC]

Gentle and rough breezes dance along between the skyscrapers, messing with my short cropped hair. It's getting late, and the night owls are coming out. The sickly women in what can't be called clothes standing on the street corner, beckoning the men. Hooded shadows stand in the alleys, selling their goods to others much like them. The businessmen in their expensive suits scurry by, trying to get home before they fall into trouble. I don't hurry though. They know me, and know not to mess with me. The plaid skirt of my uniform flutters and shifts with my walk, my heels clicking on the worn cement sidewalk. I get a few stares from those who don't often stray around the city this late, but I ignore them. You get used to them after ten years afterall.

After a little longer of walking, I enter the freezing waiting room of the hospital. A receptionist who often works when I come smiles and takes my Manila folder of missing paper work, asking me to take a seat. As I settle into a hard plastic chair and smooth my skirt out, I hear the usual murmurs from those around. The normal,
"What a freak!" And
"Why would he even show himself dressed like that?!" The comments no longer get to me. I used to regret every day I walked out the door, but now I'm hold my head high and toss them over my shoulder.
"Cassiel?" The doctor smiles and beckons me into the office. I stand and follow her into one of the many exam room, sitting on the paper cover bed. She closes the door and sits in the chair across from me, "how are doing Cassiel?" I shrug
"Fine. School is stressful. The new medication is helping though. I don't have as many problems as I did before," the doctor nods and starts running the basic tests on me: reading my heart beat, taking my blood pressure, checking my lungs. Once she sat back down she flips to a page on her clipboard,
"well your test came back. Your T cells are low, but they did raise from last time, so that's a good sign. I've never seen a boy your age fight off AIDs like your body is, it's quite remarkable really. Not that I have many seventeen year-olds with AIDs come through here... Can I ask you something?" I nod and brush my bangs from my face as I shift in the uncomfortable bed, "do you ever regret.. Ya know?" I shake my head,
"No. I did at first, I mean I probably just ruined my life, but I told myself to forget my regret. I don't regret putting on a skirt the first time, because it made me realize who I was, and I don't regret making the mistake I did to get AIDs, because now when I tell people to be careful and be smart, I have a story to tell them. Now I can save people. I can save people from becoming what I did," she smiles,
"And what did you become?"
" an adult. An adult before I was ready,"

[Korona Knight]

Very good ^^ You're very far along, there's just two main things that I see that you can improve on.

1. Grammar
2. Flow

The grammar part isn't even that bad. All it really takes is just a double checking. The few things I noticed were missing punctuation marks and a few letters needed to be capitalized that were not.

The other thing we need to work on is flow. Your sentences were a bit choppy, and some wording was a bit awkward.

Overall, these lessons shouldn't take all that long, because there really isn't too much you need improving on. You show a lot of potential, as you are very descriptive, yet you write in a manner that is easy to read. A lot of people only get one or the other, so you're off to a great start so far!

[PFDC]

Alright! Thank you so much! So will I have a lesson a day or something?

[Korona Knight]

I really need to update that form .-.

We usually just kind of go with the flow, my other students and I.

Just choose the one you want to focus on for right now, and we'll do assignments and such based off of that until I think it's passing material.

[PFDC]

Okay! Hmmm I'll start with grammar, then go to flow ^^

[Korona Knight]

Okay ^^

Seeing as the grammar part is really only things that you can catch through double checking your work, we'll start with an easy assignment.

I want you to write a one paragraph scene, nothing too complicated, as many sentences as you want. Just one paragraph though, about anything. Try to catch all of your errors before you post it.

[PFDC]

Petrov snorted and watched over his fence railing. He hated this life: the life of a workhorse. He was treated like a machine and ever got a thanks, not even a pat on the head after work. He missed Ivan. He missed the sweet little boy's soft hair and cute giggle when he blew in his hair. Ivan was his true master, not this man. The large palmino leaned against the fance, hoping the railing would give way so he could escape. It creaked, but didn't break. He lowered his head and shook his mane. Someday he'd find a way out of this hell.

[Korona Knight]

There are two errors. Go back and look through it a bit more slowly, and we'll see if you can figure it out ^^ If you can't, I'll show you. This will be a good exercise ^^

[PFDC]

Edited paragraoh