Poisoned Words~Choose your own adventure~plz read & critique

[WilloweWolf]

This story is about two girls named Thanyel and Jaydice. They live in the kingdom of Anyar, a kingdom ridden with suffering and starvation. The day they fifteen, they are summoned to the castle for their Choosing.

Rules;
Be respectful and polite.
No cussing/swearing.
When choosing a path, use the letter.
Remember that phrase 'first come first serve'? Well. here it's first come first pick.

I have chosen the girls' guilds, but nothing else.

Characters:
Thanyel
Main Character
Healer
15


Lady Delilah
Thanyel's mentor
Healer
34


Jaydice
Main Character
Shadow Brotherhood
15


Lady Izabelle
Head of the Mage's Guild
Mage
34
she and lady delilah are identical twins, told apart only by what they wear.

Queen Andrea
the Queen
king's daughter
12


Sir Michael
head of the Knight's Guild
Knight
42


Jordan
Jaydice's mentor
Shadow
40


King Shane
The king
...
49


Esther Eallenles
Thanyel's Roommate
Knight's Guild
15
too big to put here

Madelyn
Jaydice's Roommate
Healer's Guild
15
Too big to put here

Hazel
Jaydice's Roommate
Knight's Guild
15


Adrianna
Jaydice's Roommate
Mage's Guild
15
Too big to put here

Celia Lenwine
Thanyel's Roommate
Mage's Guild
15


Andrea Nihereter
Thanyel's Roommate
Shadow Brotherhood
15


The Guilds:
Healer's Guild:
Healers are devoted to healing the sick and injured. They are typically kindhearted, smart, can keep their cool even in the most frantic of times, and have a good memory. They are also fierce, firm, and commanding when need be, after all, they must be able to make an injured soldier lie still while tending his/her wounds. Healers are often very bookish and withdrawn. They often make sure their potions taste terrible, as their own way of discouraging actions that could lead to illness, and to have a bit of fun, as well. They make for good friends, bad enemies, and sometimes terrifying punishments, such as the most potent potions you've ever tasted, and more.

Mage's Guild:
Mages make up the majority of Anyar's scholars and librarians. They sometimes study their spellbooks and history books all day long, and sometimes put a harmless, yet frightening, curse on books for the next borrower to set off, as their way of fun. They make having the Healers as enemies look like having books for enemies, and they make even better allies. They are usually quiet, laid-back, and filled with a quiet fierceness that even the King sometimes fears.

Knight's Guild:
The Knight's Guild in Anyar is the only Knight's Guild anywhere that accepts females. They are normally hard-headed, not exactly bright, and strong as bulls. They are fierce, generally loyal, and often the men are often drunk. They are the backbone of Anyar's army, and their numbers are second only to the Mage's Guild.

Shadow Brotherhood:
This mysterious group of well-trained archers stops the fight before it comes to the people, when it can. The Shadows, as the members of the Shadow Brotherhood are called, are clever, quiet, mysterious, and darn terrifying to be in the same room with. They are expert archers, and are very adept at throwing the knives they carry. They are trained to move undetected, with speed.
Author's Note:I honestly based the Shadow Brotherhood off of John Flanagan's Ranger's Corp, in his series Ranger's Apprentice. Therefore, all I own about them is the name I have given them, really.


The Palace:
The Castle
The Houses([pics coming soon)
The Forest
The Lake
The Stables(outside) (inside)
The library

Oh, have a link to my Writing Tracker. *tosses*

[WilloweWolf]

Part One- Guilds-Thanyel

Thanyel walked along the filthy streets until she came to the palace. There she hesitated before walking through the open gates with a tiny nod to the guards. She hoped she looked more confident than she felt. She walked across the palace courtyard, and examined the massive oak doors. Thanyel pushed, and they swung open noiselessly on well-oiled hinges. She stepped into the Great Hall and walked forward, he footsteps echoing on the bare walls. Some great palace this is. The girl thought, glancing around as she kneeled before King Shane and Queen Andrea.

“Welcome.” Queen Andrea said, her voice sweet as honey, “It is time for your Choosing, Thanyel Smith.” Thanyel chanced a look up and saw the queen smiling at her, “Rise.” The girl quickly obeyed, rising and making a slightly clumsy curtsy, “Your majesty.” The king snorted, but didn’t say anything. He couldn’t, as a matter of fact, as he was mute. Queen Andrea smiled and said, “Guild masters! Enter!” Thanyel’s eyes grew wide as five people, all very different, filed in through a side door.
First came the head of the Knight’s Guild, Sir Michael. Then the beautiful Head of the Guild of Mages, Lady Izabelle. Next, Jordon, the mysterious leader of the Shadow Brotherhood. Then, Lady Delilah, head of the Healer’s Guild. “You must choose, Thanyel. Warrior. Mage. Shadow. Or healer.” Thanyel looked around, “I choose… The Healer’s Guild.” Lady Delilah nodded, “She will do well. Come, Thanyel Smith.” The girl curtsied and followed her new mentor, eager to learn all she could.

She gasped as they entered a lofty hall filled with tables and boxes, cupboards and shelves. On top of each was a huge collection of herbs, alembics, mortar & pestles, and other various things meant for poition making. “This is the Potion Hall, here you will learn that part of your new trade. Come.” Thanyel followed lady Delilah into another ofty hall, this one filled with targets, dummies, and weapon racks. “A Healer must know how to defend his or herself, as well as heal.” Her mentor was saying. Thanyel examined a bow made of ash.

She flexed the string, and smiled. She jumped at her mentor’s voice, “I see you’re interested in archery.” Thanyel nodded. “How about you try your hand at shooting that?” The girl grinned and pulled an arrow out of the quiver next to her. She knocked the arrow and drew the bow. After a moment’s pause to aim, she sent the arrow zipping through the air, to land with a soft thump in a target on the other side of the hall. Delilah blinked in surprise, then a smiled spread across her face, “You know your archery well, Thanyel.” The girl shrugged, “Well enough. I had to hunt all my family’s meat before today.”
Lady Delilah nodded, “As is always the case nowadays. Come, we must find you a suitable crest.” Thanyel nodded and followed her mentor into a small room that had nothing but a small table in the center. Walking up to this, Thanyel found herself presented with a collection of crests, all in the form of pendants.
{What will Thanyel choose?
A. A heron.
B. A soaring eagle.
C. An owl.

[WilloweWolf]

{I'll post Jaydice's part one soon.
(bump)}

[WilloweWolf]

Part One-Guilds-Jaydice
Part One, Jaydice:
Jaydice watched the girl leave, then stepped up and kneeled; rising at Queen Andrea’s word. She looked up, and was startled to see her queen was younger than she. She quickly glanced at Jordan, and said, “The Shadow Brotherhood.” Jordan nodded,
“I have already spoken to her, and promised her a place in the Brotherhood.” At a nod and a smile from the queen, Jaydice left the throne room behind her new mentor, her soft boots making no sound on the cold marble floor. She was, admittedly, a bit nervous. The Shadow Brotherhood, with its shadowy ways, used to scare her. Now, as she walked down the hall alone with Jordan, some of those fears came back to her. She shook them off and followed Jordan into a large room. It had a high, soaring ceiling, and two long tables were placed along two of the walls. The other two were left unblocked, to allow passage through doors, one of which Jaydice and Jordan had just passed through. Jaydice looked at what was on the tables. One held dozens of double sheaths, one longer than the other.

Jaydice walked up to the table and lifted one of the scabbards, pulling the shorter knife halfway out of its sheath. Its shape practically screamed throwing knife, and Jaydice smiled. This would be easy. She looked at the other table. Dozens of bows and quivers covered the highly polished oak surface. She forced herself not to jump when Jordan suddenly spoke quietly, “Why don’t you try your hand at the throwing knife? I have no doubt about your skill with the bow, but what about knives, eh?” The girl turned her gray eyes on Jordan and nodded, unsheathing the knife she had examined. She set down the double scabbard and held the knife by the point. She took a moment to examine the padded leather target mounted on the opposite wall, and brought her arm back in a smooth motion.

The arm came forward, and she gave a tiny flick of her wrist to give the knife extra force as she sent it on its way. The whole process took only a few seconds. Thump! The knife landed, point first, an inch from the bulls-eye. Jaydice shrugged, ‘Not my best throw, but it could have been worse.” Jordan was goggling at her, his mouth open.
“Are you kidding? That’s better than my last apprentice could do after three years of daily three hour practice and training. You’re amazing!” Jaydice felt her face grow warm, and she ducked her head to hide her embarrassment. She went to retrieve the knife. She could hear Jordan saying to himself, ‘Amazing! She’s amazing!’ Jaydice grinned in spite of herself. “You know, I’ve been doing that since I was five, killing crows stealing my father’s crops, and hunting my family’s meat.” She heard Jordan sigh, “Too many people are that way these days.”

Jaydice looked at the door on the other side of the room, “What’s through that door?” Jordan regained his composure and led his apprentice through the door and into a small room. A cabinet stood in one corner, and a table sat in the center. Jaydice looked more closely at the table and saw three pendants, each one carved into a different bird. “One of these will be your crest. You will be housed with one apprentice from the Knight’s Guild, one from the Healer’s Guild, and one apprentice from the Mage’s Guild. All four of you will bear the same crest.” Jordan said, running a finger over the eagle crest. Jaydice nodded. “Now, choose.” Jordan commanded abruptly. The girl jumped and looked at them.
{What will Jaydice choose?
A. A perching heron
B. An eagle
C. An owl in flight.

[WilloweWolf]

{bump}

[Raising Cain]

Jaydice chooses the owl in flight?

[WilloweWolf]

I'll work on Jaydice's part two, I might be a while in coming.

[ciitruus]

good so far, I like it. I choose A. for Thanyel, and C. for Jaydice. I hope you like my feedback!

[WilloweWolf]

Thanks!

[WilloweWolf]

Part Two-Roommates-Jaydice
Jaydice picked up the owl crest. “The owl, eh?” Jordan said, nodding approvingly. Jaydice nodded. “Put it on, then we’ll go meet your new roommates.” Jaydice nodded again and slipped the chain over her head, settling it around her neck. She followed Jordan out through a small door behind the table, out into the baking summer sun. Her mentor led her to a long, low building with an owl carved above the door. “This is your dorm. You’ll eat here, sleep here, and spend your time off of training here. Not that you’ll get much of the latter.”
“Not that I expected to.” Jaydice muttered under her breath. She followed the man in. There she met the woman who ran the Owl House. She dropped a gracious curtsy good enough for a queen when Jordan introduced her, causing the plump woman to smile. “Manners. That’s something I haven’t had in a while.”
Jaydice grinned. “Ma’am, before you know it, I’ll be getting into all sorts of trouble, courtesy of growing up with two mischievous boys.” Esmeralda, as the Mistress of the Owl House was called, groaned as she led Jaydice to her room, which she was to share with one first year girl from each Guild. Their names were Hazel and Madelyn. Both were the biggest snots Jaydice had ever met. “And who might you be?” Hazel sneered after Esmeralda left.
“Jaydice Sahesadel.” She replied calmly.
“What kind of name is that?” Madelyn scoffed.
“A perfectly good name, thank you very much.” Jaydice said, dropping her two small bags consisting of her world’s possessions on the one remaining bunk. The other girls snorted in unison and continued chatting with each other, making a point of ignoring Jaydice, who calmly pulled a book out of one of the bags on her bed and stared to read, ignoring the other two’s snide comments on peasant girls and their horrible names, not to mention their filthy clothes. They obviously came from rich families, but that didn’t bother Jaydice. It seemed as if nothing would to the girl standing in the corner, watching what passed with disapproving eyes for Hazel and Madelyn, but curious ones for Jaydice. Adrianna made her way over to the girl. “I’m Adrianna Thatcher. Mage’s Guild.” She held put a hand for Jaydice to shake.
“Jaydice Sahesadel. Shadow Brotherhood.” She shook the hand offered to her and scooted over a bit to make room of the girl to sit. Adrianna took the hint and sat down beside Jaydice. “Whatcha reading?”
“Eh, bard’s tales. They fascinate me.”
“Cool!” Adrianna clearly understood, she was grinning like she had found a new friend. Which she had. “Hey, wanna go explore?”
“Sure!”

{Where should Jaydice and Adrianna go?
A. The woods xx
B. The lake xx
C. The meadows xx
D. The stables xx (outside) xx (inside)