Healer's Tale{Warrior Cats story{Critique wanted

[WilloweWolf]

This is the story of Moonpaw, medicine cat apprentice in Mountainclan. At first, she thinks she's just a normal cat. But when her mentor, Thornheart, receives a prophecy, her life is thrown into chaos. She finds herself on a quest with only her friend, Shadepaw, and a mysterious loner named Strike.

One will come who will save us all
One whose destiny lies far from home.
With only three to guide her,
She will shake our world forever.

Allegiances:
Leader: Frostedstar- sliver and white tabby she-cat with blue eyes

Deputy:Goldenflame- golden tom with green eyes

Medicine cat:Thornheart- black and white tom{apprentice:Moonpaw

Medicine Cat Apprentice:Moonpaw- balinese she-cat

Warriors:
Jaggedtooth- tan tom cat with yellow eyes; has a very prominent, jagged canine tooth
Sorrelwhisker- sorrel colored she-cat with green eyes and long whiskers
Flameheart- orange tabby tomcat with brown eyes
Poppytail- Tortiseshell she cat with amber eyes
Eaglewing- Black tabby she-cat with a white chest and one white front paw {Apprentice- Shadepaw
Shadowstripe- Dark grey tom with darker stripe down his back and green eyes

Apprentices:
Shadepaw- black tom with dark blue eyes

Queens:
Silverthorn-silver tabby she-cat with abnormally dark claws~mother of Thrushkit, dashkit, and Swiftkit. Also mother of Moonpaw
Brindletail- dusty brown she-cat with blue eyes and a long tail~Mother of Reedkit, Larkkit, and Sparrowkit

Kits:
Larkkit- blue-grey tom with green eyes~Brindletail's kit
Sparrowkit- dusty brown she-cat with blue eyes~Brindletail's kit
Reedkit- dark grey tom with hazel eyes~Brindletail's kit

Thrushkit- light brown spotted tabby tomcat~Silverthorn's kit
Dashkit- Ginger tomcat~Silverthorn's kit
Swiftkit- Calico she-cat with brown eyes~Silverthorn's kit

Rouges, Loners, and kittypets:
Strike- brown tomcat with amber eyes~Loner

*tosses link to Writing Tracker*

[WilloweWolf]

Chapter One

Moonpaw padded along the well-worn path, looking about for herbs. She spotted a clump of horsetail and walked over to it. She lay down and nipped off a few stalks; then gathered them up and went on, looking now for some thyme. Sungaze’s mother had just died after a fight with a badger, and he needed healing on the inside; as well as the outside. “Horsetail to stop infection, and thyme to calm the nerves.” Moonpaw repeated over and over again in her mind. “Oh! And juniper, to speed up the healing. Wait, that’s not right.” The Balinese cat hissed in annoyance, and accidentally dropped the herbs she was carrying, “Mousedung! Ugh, this is a bad day.”

A mouse scurried across the path, and the medicine cat apprentice forced herself to ignore it, “And, Leaf-fall is just around the corner. Great. Greencough patients for me.” She padded over to a juniper bush and set down her herbs, poking through the bush for any berries, “Nope.” Moonpaw batted at a fly that threatened to land on her nose, and picked up the horsetail and thyme once more. She headed back to camp, and cringed as her enthusiastic friend, Shadepaw, bounded up her,

“Hi, Shadepaw.” She muttered halfheartedly around the bundle of sour-tasting herbs. She padded past him and into the medicine den, where she set down the stalks and mewed, “Thornheart?” Her mentor, Thornheart, poked his head around a rock wall,
“Moonpaw! Good, you brought the herbs.” Then a disappointed look spread across his face as he looked at the pile, “No juniper berries?” Moonpaw shook her head,
“I couldn't find any.” Thornheart shook his black and white head,
“It ca-“
“N’t be helped, I know.” Moonpaw interrupted, “at least I found the horsetail.”

Thornheart nodded, and scooped up the herbs. He carried them over to the crevice where he stored his herbs, and Moonpaw saw him pull out some borage and a honey-smeared leaf. The medicine cat chewed up the borage and horsetail, and mixed the thyme into the honey. Then he took them to Sungaze. The orange tabby ate the honey-thyme mix without a word while Moonpaw helped Thornheart apply the polituce onto the tom’s wounds. Sungaze flinched as the borage and horsetail juices trickled into the cuts, but didn't pull away.

Once Sungaze had been treated, Moonpaw went to the fresh kill pile and pulled out three mice, one for Thornheart, one for Sungaze, and one for herself. She delivered two of them, and then ate hers beside the medicine den in a patch of sunlight. She saw Goldenflame, the deputy, push past the ivy screen that concealed the warriors’ den. The sand-colored cat nodded to her, then sat down beside the fresh kill pile and ate a vole. A hunting patrol consisting of Sorrelwhisker, Jaggedtooth, and Flameheart pushed through the entrance, brambles catching on their fur. They each carried two mice, and Jaggedtooth had a thrush. “Is that all?” Sunstar mewed, her greeting curt with shock.
“It’s getting colder, Frostedstar.” Sorrelwhisker mewed, dropping the mice she had caught on the fresh kill pile.

Moonpaw blinked, Ick, she thought, padding over to the thrush. She turned it over with her paw and leapt back in disgust, “Crow food!” Frostedstar rounded on Jaggedtooth,
“What were you thinking?” she hissed, unsheathing her claws.
“Frostedstar!” Oakpelt, her mate, mewed, “Now is not the time to turn against your clan mates. It is almost leaf-bare, and we need as much food as we can get. He probably couldn't smell anything over those two mice.”

Jaggedtooth shifted uneasily, “My sense of smell never had been good…” he said. Frostedstar lashed her tail, but sheathed her claws,
“I forgive you. But you’re getting rid of that thing.” Moonpaw watched the whole encounter silently, and then slipped into the nursery to check on Silverthorn. The queen was due any day now, and Moonpaw didn't want to take any chances. Nor did Thornheart, for that matter. Silverthorn looked up as Moonpaw entered, “Moonpaw! Not another check-up, is it?” The apprentice sighed, “I’m afraid so. Thornheart will kill me if I don’t.” She padded up to her mother and placed a paw on her belly.
Then she laid down beside Silverthorn and put her ear to use, “Tonight or tomorrow.” Moonpaw mewed, standing up. She padded out of the nursery and went to the medicine den, “Thornheart, I think Silverthorn is due tonight of tomorrow. Her mentor nodded,
“I thought as much. I’ll stay with her tonight.”

[WilloweWolf]

{bump}

[WilloweWolf]

{bump}

[WilloweWolf]

{BUMP}

[Claw.]

Marking))

[WilloweWolf]

{Yay!}

[yesterday,]

Marking!)

[FurOfHawk]

I love it!

[WilloweWolf]

Thanks! Anything I could do better?