leftover nostalgia

[ruse]

yYOU WERE MY MUSE RUSE


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welcome to my writing thread. idk if
im ever gonna write here again, but
i still love the pieces i have here 💞
please don't post on this thread, ty.

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links: 01 listography 02 toyhou.se ♪

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[ruse]

this is old but i still like it sorry

i'm still stuck on you. it comes and goes and comes back and it washes over me and trickles into my throat i miss you, i miss him that's what i tell myself. i'm thinking about the good times still and i forget to tell myself you came back wounded and bruised and broken flowers. i had no experience and god, i wish the me now could've helped you then and she tells me that i'm too good for him but i already punched out the lenses in my glasses and put in rose-tinted ones and i ignored her and told her i was in love and how it hurt like hell. maybe i'm weak or maybe i'm strong but i only knew i thought i was better with you. you thought you weren't all that much but honey i saw you and there were stars in my eyes and i was yours again and again and i wish the me now could've told you then you were my world and i wanted to tell the world and i wish the me now could've told me then that you weren't everything because you weren't you weren't you weren't. but you were there to make me laugh and you were there when i told you i was falling apart i was falling for you but you didn't know that because you told me you were here for me and i caught myself before i could tell you everything i loved about you and even then when i told you i didn't say enough my fingers were shaking and i was so ready for the future and you choked on possibility and i choked on the heart trying to jailbreak out of my rib cage and you said you were honored and that you were sorry but you never said i'm not interested and maybe that's because you were plainly nice but i never pushed like i should've because it hurt to think i still stood a chance with my deer-strong legs and you never said anything about that again and eventually not anything about everything and we were gone you were gone and maybe i miss you maybe i'm desperate maybe i miss the feeling of saying i like you.

[ruse]

one word (god god god).


god am i in love with you, with how you move and how you laugh and how you love love love, love me for everything i am; take me as my fallacies and virtues, tell me i'm yours (and i respond, and you're mine).
you say you love me at my undoing, fall down to your knees and hold my hands close (and my heart too,) whisper close the words i hear in dreams melting into other dreams (i love you like you love me).
remember when i couldn't get up again and you were there too? it was me and you, you and me back to back then front to front nose to nose lips to lips
heart to heart
tell me again, those words i love to hear the words i ache for (i love you i love you)
remember the night when we first kissed? in the hotel room after our friends left, and us fizzling out like the pink wine we'd minutes ago
seeing things we weren't meant to see,
saying things we weren't meant to say;
(pretend i'm him and i'll pretend he's you
pretend this isn't us, that it's him on the other side, parallel to where we stand, all love-bruised and heart-hurt)
remember how much it damaged the two of us?
remember how

we began to love again?

lips to lips,

heart to heart

you, you

come a little closer


(please, i don't bite).

you,
do you
love me like i love you?

"yuzu. are you, writing fanfiction again?" a voice asks, familiar and warm.
"that was one time." yuzuru knows this voice full and well; he'd tell you it's his favorite sound when the night comes.
leandros sinks to him, meeting yuzuru at eye level and grazing hands before melding his hand into his lover's, brushing against the knuckles in a loving kind of way.
"what were you writing though?" his question is soft like his hands. yuzuru loves leandros's hands and his quiet curiosity and his breath on his ear.
"something for you." at this comment, leandros grows rosy, and hesitance begins to define his speech.
"me? uh, well-" he stumbles but yuzu catches him.
"that's a nice vase, right?"
"yes, it's pretty nice-"
"there's no vase here, lea."
"then, that's a nice, uh, sun."
"do you remember when you called me the sun?" yuzuru looks elsewhere, taking a break from his writing. he switches subjects easily; when it comes to lea, yuzuru tries to stay on top. lost in a memory, but a fond one he doesn't mind being divested in. he doesn't mention that he wants to write to give back, to give back as much as leandros gave to him.
"i remember."
"do you still see me that way?"
"no. yes. maybe. no, uh- so you're the sun still. it's like, the sun comes down to meet me now, instead of the other way around, with me looking up at you and i still do, physically but like-"
"i meet you where i am."
"yeah. wait, yuzu, was that an anime reference-"
"you get me, angel." yuzuru winks and leandros colors, the two of them falling back into a familiar pattern.
"that's a nice vase, uh, in the other building."
"lea, how do you know that-"
leandros looks down at his toes, makes the slightest movement to signal his leave. he's embarrassed so yuzuru rebinds their shared hands.
"you don't have to go, i want to hold your hand for a little longer." his voice lulls, not quite pleading. a tone he reserves for leandros alone ordinarily.
"okay." they drift into silence, but not from each other. leandros rests his chin on yuzuru's shoulder in a loving kind of way. tightens his hold on his lover's hand, as he immerses himself in writing.

[ruse]

i kind of want to
kiss you hard on the mouth
leave a bruise or two on your neck,
call them things to remember me by
so you'll have a reason to daze about me in the morning again,
when im thinking about how you looked better with the moon settling along the slope of your neck than you do with daylight turning your eyes into rosette windows;
theres so many more excuses to be made with the moon staring down, my mouth slipping against yours,
saying you look so good in the moonlight
saying i like how you touch me, i like how you love me
saying im drunk but i think im in love with you anyways
saying i know you wont remember me when the sun comes out again to play, so tell me i can stay
in the honeymoon suite in your heart, table for two at the restaurant across the street, and im there parallel to you
asking, is that a diamond ring in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
im laughing and you smile at my airy voice you love to hear calling your name and theres your hands crossing my spine to get to my heart
me biting back, im hoping youre happy to see me because i think that our lips fit together more than our hearts do
me biting back, im better as a nighttime lover than a daytime romance,
and i remember a few nights ago in our place, hesitating
when you had asked to meet me sometime before the sun washes away,
and i was afraid you'd see me as i was
without the magic outlining my figure and turning the shape of me dreamy
coming down from the stars to get a glimpse of you
pretending the motel room with the unlocked door was the honeymoon suite of your heart and me again biting back words,
i hope i look better in the moonlight to you too
so i say to you, memorize me as a dream

[ruse]

cant decide if i want 2 be the person u love or i love
guess im just hoping theyre the same person or that
you love me enough to make me think its ok to love me too

ideciifkrckvkrvk im awake but its no better
kind of ?? my real position on sorry
idejdejxe

sorry is a placeholder for a word you dont know,
something you want to say to fill up the empty silence; a nicety
that lost most of its meaning in all honesty.
an excuse to get them to stay.

[ruse]

he looks like something quite too ethereal and behaves like
he's stepping into the shape of death's footprint;
he swallows his insecurities one by one at the dinner table and oh,

how they ache
how they strain and

open wounds,
break your heart
piece by piece;
honey, swallow now or they'll never go down.
they talk to him like a drunken spell,
a honey-tipped tongue, a dagger of a mouth;

they'll never love you like you want them to,
you're only you and you are nothing without them.
they're only kissing your knuckles to steal your rings,

they're only getting close to take your heart boy

[ruse]

im full of feelings and
i dont know where to put them, so i'll try to write them off
i'll fit pieces of you into my heart like coins in the narrow niche of a piggy bank, so that each time i find something new of you,
i'll feel the ache more and more.
i'll call this the burden of loving you, the bottom of my heart heavy with everything you've ever said to me and the hope of those words you'll say to me.
gravity tries to tear me open, to show all the mossy memories you've left, some dirtied and some shiny; some so bright and lovely and fresh like a fruit not yet sweating and beginning to discolor with the swell of open air. some so dull i touch them and feel the residue more in myself than on my fingers. some so dull, i'll mistake them for the pieces of me that are stained in the dark.
and i know,
one day my heart will become exposed like one would to their lover in the moonlight.
one day you'll find me out and look at me with those eyes i love, and there will be pity thick in your voice and your eyes and your mouth, all things i memorized saying, i love you to me. you'll tell me pretty words too, that taste like the artificial cherry of my favorite drink when it's 2am and i hear you speak best, cicadas calling home in the background and me sitting in bed thinking of you, you you.
one day it'll be like this again, one day i will replay my memories like a dvd and re-memorize the way i loved you.
but look, i've always imagined that you'd be far from me when it does happen.

[ruse]

--“love is like this incredible incredible fondness for someone you think is beautiful and near godly at times, and sometimes it gets so much that you do impulsive things or it makes you not feel like you. maybe it’ll scare you at first too because it’s so different. maybe you jump right into it, to hell with everything: you deserve this, right? or, you let it sit inside of you for so long it seeps into your blood and runs you like a machine because you think you don't (you do, you do, of course), or it pours away in the tears you bleed when it's close to 2am and your phone is still warm with the heaviness of your breath, your hands and feeling for the other person at the end of the line (you already memorized their last words to you, something like i love you, good night). it touches you at your heart first and then it moves on and touches the rest of your body and then you find yourself wanting to have the person you’re thinking about more times you care to admit to feel the same too. to be touched in the same way as they touched you. maybe not exactly physical touching (the kissing, the candlelit nights with those damn roses and the bodies pressing against each other), maybe you buy them things you hope they'll love, or you start to digest everything they say like it's a religion you're tasting, or you look at certain things and they come to mind, bright like a fresh flame, or you let love rest in your eyes when you look at them; or it’s in simple movements like brushing hands, hand on a knee, holding a wisp of their hair between two fingers. love makes you strong sometimes too, it gives you an excuse to not be yourself anymore, to be someone better.”
--this is where i should finish, that’s the way you make me feel, but i swallow it back like thick honeyed medicine. i offer a meager smile like an apology.

--i neglected to mention how love has a way of inviting weakness into your heart at times too.

[ruse]

july was a pipe dream and i'm grasping at the remnants of it, trying to pull it back to me. it slips between my fingers like glimpses of purged water under the faucet; these memories of an us, you and me (and our shared breath), the words spoken in soft tongues and whisper tones. pieces of an us (i still think i dreamt most of it) come like rain to me, quietly, delicately and then suddenly, i'm drowning.
i remember how your eyes looked in the dark. inviting and tainted like metallic paint on a cotton sweatshirt, and you (i see your teeth glowing, i see your lips moving and your eyes hoarding touches of light) saying something like come on honey, let's get lost tonight. and i agreed, i always do when it comes to you. that's my achilles's heel, that's my icarus's downfall; i'm quite aware of it, but i do nothing to prevent myself from scraping myself against the truth and watching myself turn red at the fingertips and the heartstrings. because (oh god,

oh love) i'm always soft for you.
you just have to say my name
and i'll fall back to you
again and again.

[ruse]

honestly
i might edit this later and put something else here,,, prob something not as depressing u know what i mean
wrote this a few days ago posting it now jnjvkdnjk
sad prose 420 content prose 2

melancholy in true form to me is the ability to wrap your hands around your ankles and feel your heartbeat creak above your knee. being so small yet not small enough to fold yourself into halves and then nothing; like watercolor paper. the feeling of being under layers of blankets, even though your fingers, toes, and heart are cold still. your thoughts deepening, turning black like when your eyesight narrows. the indistinguishable voice in your head, spinning reason into the prickly growth of your insecurities. shutting the ones you love out like you've never known their warmth, that the words you shared with them draped and coated with a thick layer of noise, sounding like lies, lies lies; the erasing of moments of weightlessness at 2am, like the scratchy pain in your throat from laughing too loudly and openly and carelessly became unfelt because of the adrenaline running through you or the tiny voice in your mind saying you want to save this memory for years. when they said they loved you and that they would stay for you, the doubt that tiptoed at that time, testing out the cracks in the repairs of your heart, and the whispers of would you do that for them too ? you, closing that door to the light and love in your life, worried all over with the pain within your maniac mind, retreating into the room with the dying light and the dying you.
012918 um uh bebo just knocked open my bedroom door and looked at me and left i am so offended rn