- dqwdqwdijqwidjqwd im love this komo im just dead tired, ,,ii'll add the updated art and her info and whatever l8ter ggg
side note: do Not post on this page pwease and thanks
username; trans | name of komo; ramona eire
gender & pronouns of komo; female + she/her
to say you dont believe in love would be incorrect; you do believe it exists, but not the way other people do. love... it is an ache that resides deep inside your heart. you have tasted the feeling of love at it's fullest, now you wallow in the darkest, lowest pits of it, consumed by a tainted version of love that clings to you like slime and festers in your insides, oozes from your pores and makes you weak and undesirable and ugly.
you walk through the world like a ghost, invisible and unresponsive. you are surrounded by happy couples, the idealized form of love, all around you, and completely unavoidable no matter how hard you try. you cant hide the envy that sprouts like flowers in your stomach and curls around your bones like vines. you grind your teeth even though you know it's bad because if you dont, you'll bite your tongue right off, or worse, lunge at anyone who comes near you, like a cornered animal.
the flowers in your chest grow rapidly by the second, like weeds, taking all available space, and you clutch a paw to your chest as your heart squeezes painfully, and your chest feels tight and clogged. you cough several times, nothing but flecks of red coming out, before you carry on diligently towards something you arent even aware of, and not sure where you're going, but to be fair, you never really are.
your hair falls in front of your face, obscuring your view slightly, but not enough to encourage you to move it out of the way. you are so cold, and you're tired, you just want to sleep, to sleep forever, but the angry, hungering feeling in your stomach forces you to stay awake, to make it home. she would have scolded you for being so foolish, so weak-minded. maybe playfully, maybe not. she would have told you to conquer the fears and doubts that grow inside you and dominate every aspect of your life, control your every move. she would have told you to be better.
but she isnt here, you are alone, and the flowers inside your chest threaten to expand, to suffocate you once and for all. happy laughter echoes in your mind and the images of happy couples holding hands, being lovey-dovey, having everything you ever wanted, it only could make you feel tired and hurt, the sadness and anger simply sucked right out of you. you feel nothing again, eventually, and you thank the flowers for helping you calm down.
you feel nauseous as you continue the trek to your home, small and quaint, easily missed and ignored if you arent specifically looking for it, and cling tighter to the strap of your bag as you approach the steps leading up to the main office. the greeter waves at you, smiles, and accordingly, you smile and wave back, before heading to the elevator, the music washing over you and calming your nerves until you hear the ding, and the doors open to reveal your floor. with silent, cautious steps, you pull out your keys as you head to the end of the hall and unlock your door, keeping your head down and face obscured.
when you get inside, you dont speak, you dont announce your arrival, you dont do anything. you simply stand until they come out from their room and greet you, as they always do when you get home from work, and gestures for you to sit down at the table. you look at their face and all you see is a gray blur of what used to be a person, someone you used to love, but now, your mind drifts, and despite the hissing from the monster inside you telling you to stop these thoughts immediately, you dream of a better life, away from here.
you dream of freckles, and soft brown hair, and gentle hand-holding, and snuggling up to a fireplace while soft music plays through her phone, only disrupted by the occasional ad.
you dream of being anywhere but here, of more than this dull existence you live in, while you stare out the window, the soft fall of snow hypnotizing you as you clean the dishes one by one, the flowers inside you receding until you are empty, with only thoughts of freckles and brown hair on your mind.
'run away. run away, and never come back. you never have to wash another dish or clean up for someone else again if you never come back,'
your mind says this over and over as you walk through the park, and though the thought is a nice one, you will admit, you know you will come back. you always do, even if you try your hardest to stay away. at the thought of home, of going back, instinctively you reach up to rub a spot on your arm, spacing out while you remember how you got it. it no longer hurts like it once did, but just the thought makes you forget where you are and space out in the middle of wherever you find yourself, until someone does you a favor and jostles you out of the memories and your dreams and thoughts.
this time, it's a girl. freckles, and long brown hair, are the things you notice first, and you immediately blush out of embarrassment that she found you spacing out like a weirdo in the middle of the park. she must think you're strange, or freaky, or-
"are you alright?" she interrupts your thoughts, flashing you a hesitant smile. you nod, once again embarrassed, but not wanting to look even more strange or rude than you already do. it isnt nice to stare, you chastise yourself quietly.
"you look kinda lonely... now i know they say dont trust strangers inviting you out, but do you want to get something maybe? it's a bit cold to hang around the park, and i heard a new place opened up just a few blocks away. besides, you look like you could use the company." it's all a lot to take in at once, and for a minute, your mind goes blank trying to figure out what to do and what to say.
"um, yes, i- i would like that very much." you say quietly, thankful that she seems to have to heard you. your heart flutters at the grin she gives you, but you pass it off as not being used to kindness. "though im afraid i cant stay long, so it will have to be quick."
"aw, bummer..." she seems a bit saddened at that, and you're about to say something to try to correct your mistake, to comfort her, but she beats you to the punch and speaks first, "but hey, i'll make the time we do have the best darn time in this city you've ever had!" she winks at you before taking your hand, taking you away from the park and into the maze that is the city. it's all very overwhelming, which is why you dont like going out often (but that isnt the whole reason), but you feel... somewhat safe, and calm, with someone else here to guide you through it all.
before you know it, you're weaving through crowds and cars and other pedestrians equally determined to push through the crowds and get to their own destinations, and not long after, you arrive at a little shop at the corner of a busy street, the smell of pancakes and cookies and coffee and tea overwhelming your senses. you allow her to lead you inside, and you jolt at all the people inside. from the outside, it didnt look very big, but on the inside, it was so much bigger than it seemed. you clung close to your new friend- (where you friends? acquaintances? you dont know)- and waited patiently while she ordered.
"the usual please, two of them." she said, and the cashier at the counter nodded, before gesturing to a table in the back. "your meal should be ready in about ten minutes, we'll bring it out for you." the cashier smiles at the both of you, then turns to take the next customer in line. your friend (you dont think you got her name, you're so embarrassed) leads you both to the table you were directed to, and you cant help but tap your fingers on the table nervously as you wait. normally people just tell you what to do, how to act, but you are completely on your own, and you dont... you dont know what to do.
"nervous?" she says, bringing you out of your stupor. you nod, wondering if you should explain or not, and that if you should, how would you even... explain it to her without getting weird looks. "i just..."
"i am not-" you think about how to phrase it right, how to explain your thoughts, "i dont go out much, or talk to people... i usually just make my own food at home." you finally say, wondering if she understood. she just nodded and smiled at you again, and you're glad, because you really like her smile. most of the time people only scowl at you, or glare out of frustration or a grudge, or they're mad at you, but despite your incompetence at quite literally everything, she's only been nice to you.
"i dont think i ever got your name, though to be fair, i also didnt give you mine. im tabitha, but most of my friends call me tabby. you know, like the cat. what's yours?" she says, in that cheerful, relaxed tone she seems to always have, and you're grateful she isnt frustrated with you yet.
"ramona... just ramona. i dont really have a lot... you know." you admit nervously, gesturing vaguely at the air before lowering your paws, instead tapping on the table again. it's a habit you havent unlearned yet, but around her, you're not so embarrassed about your weirdness. it also helps with your nervousness... kind of.
you think she's about to continue the conversation, but before either of you can say anything else, whatever it is that she ordered is set onto the table, and she thanks the waiter, sliding him a tip. you wonder why, because tips are usually given with the bill you thought, but before you can ask she seems to read your mind and explains.
"tips are still subject to being taken. the best way to give a tip is directly into the pocket of the waiter/waitress, that way they get the full amount." ah, that makes sense. though you wonder why you've never heard of this before... then again, you dont go out much, or... at all... really... you internally cringe at that bit of monologue and instead try to focus on something else.
"better eat before that gets cold, wouldnt want it to go to waste." she says jokingly, pointing a fork at the stack of pancakes set in front of you. you nod and mutter a thanks before eating, generally keeping quiet until you're finished. you thank her again while she pays, grateful for her kindness. one day, you'll pay her back for today somehow. you swear on it.
you dont even realize the time, completely forget you should've started going back home already, and allow her to take you to other parts of the city. "you're gonna love it, i guarantee it." she says, while she takes you to the aquarium, and you cant help but feel excited. you've never been to an aquarium before, and you wont lie, you've always kinda wanted to, truth be told, but you never had the money, and then...
"come on! i wanna show you the coolest part of this place." you follow her on your own accord this time, but you still keep a firm grip on her hand so you dont get lost. the place isnt super crowded, but it's still a maze to you, and you rather not cry in public again.
you spend at least ten minutes walking who knows where, and you're finally about to ask where she's taking you until you look at, and your question dies on your tongue as you stare in awe. the tank in front of you is huge, massive even, and stretches all the way to the ceiling. all kinds of sea creatures swim around in the tank, minding their own business as they go about their day. the tank seems to encircle the whole room, save for the entrance, and you cant help but stare in awe. it's...
"awesome, right? i knew you'd like. well, i actually didnt, but come on, who wouldnt think this is cool?" you have to agree, it is very cool. enchanting though, is the word you think you'd use. yes, enchanting...
after she finishes showing you around the aquarium, she takes you even more places. you cant possibly hope to name them all, but you quickly lose track of time, thoughts of home vanishing from your mind completely as you spend the entire day with tabitha. you feel free, for once, and you finally feel you can relax when you're around her. you dont hold back, talking more than you have to her in this single day than you have to anyone else ever in your life over a span of years. she makes you feel good about yourself, makes you feel appreciated, makes you feel...
loved. you're hesitant to admit it, and not one to believe in foolish things like love, no matter how much the idea of romance enchants you and is often the center of your dreams, you feel like... well, you dont believe in love at first sight, no, but...
as you walk down the pier, you find yourself mulling over these thoughts building up inside you awkwardly. what if she's just being friendly? or taking pity on you? oh, but is this normal for friends? you dont know, you dont-
you're so lost in your thoughts you dont realize you've both stopped, and you jolt when she takes both your hands. despite how you feel, you spare a glance at her expression curiously, and although nervousness radiates off of you like radioactive energy, you've never felt more sure of yourself in your life.
"i know we just met, but, i was thinking... could we, could we do this again some time? maybe? you dont have to, i just really-" you interrupt her with a hug, a gentle one that feels too short when you let go, and you nod.
"of course. you're the closest thing to a friend i've had in a long time, and i-" you dont know why, but you suddenly remember how late it is, and you freak out internally when you pull out your clunky old phone and get a look at the time. you dont know how to explain it, so you dont, only apologizing as you run as fast as you can.
"im sorry, i- i'll explain later!" you say in a hurry, stopping only to see her smile one last time before you keep on running towards home. you're in so much trouble, you're in soooooooooo much trouble, you're going to be thrown out, or worse! you cant believe you forgot, you cant believe you were so stupid. you dont even know how to explain this, how to explain why you were out so late, you're going to be in so much trouble when you get back.
when you finally make it home, you end up spending an extra ten minutes just trying to work up the nerve to go inside. it feels like a death trap, a mistake to go inside, but you know you have no choice. you have to face the consequences of your actions, or you'll be homeless and alone, and you dont want that, more than you dont want to go inside that door right now. you really only have one option here.
tentatively opening the door, you peak inside to see if anyones around before going in, quietly shutting the door behind you. maybe no one's home, maybe they didnt notice, maybe-
"you're late." comes a familiar voice, and you freeze in terror, paw still on the door knob and the other clutching your keys. you dont dare look back, you already know what awaits you when you turn around.
"i-" you blurt out like a fool, not even sure why you did that because you know if you explained, you'd only be in more trouble, but you just... you feel like you have to explain yourself, to try to make them understand, to-
"we'll talk about it tomorrow." is all you hear, then the slow, receding footsteps as they go back to their room. all you see is gray static when you spare a glance at them, their figure obscured from you, either by your own mind trying to block out the cause of your distress or you just dont want to think about tomorrow, but you end up sleeping on the couch, too afraid to go into your room after that.
you dream of cute freckles and pancakes and aquariums that night, and you dont think you've ever slept so pleasant in your life before. if only it could protect from the storm that awaited you in the morning.
love exists, but it is rarely found, and once it's tainted, infected by wrongness, it is hard to undo. it takes patience, understanding, and most of all, the real kind of love, the love that blooms from kindness and not manipulation or hatred or spite.
you believe in love, but you believe in the wrong kind. love exists, but for you, it always comes with a catch. you fear love as much as others praise it, and you live in fear of the day the love you believe in finally consumes you, destroys you wholly and completely. you saw the real kind of love once, but once is the catch.
you never got to see your princess in shining armor again, and the flowers planted inside you threaten to crush you with each passing day. hair brittle and fur rough, eyes reddened and strained, ears constantly hearing church bells signaling death ringing in your ears; you have never looked worse. you fear your past, your present, and the future, if you even have the luxury to one. you fear the flowers and how much longer you can live with their taint inside your body, and when you'll realize it is all just a delusion. the flowers they planted inside you control you, like they do, and you know, deep down, that no matter how much you look out your window and wish and hope and dreams, you will never feel that way you did on that cold autumn day ever again.
you lived your dream once, and that is all you are allowed. childish fantasies only hold you back, only make you feel worse of what you cannot have, and in time, you'll forget. you'll forget about freckles and soft brown hair, the aquarium, pancakes and warm tea, the cool autumn breeze surrounding you, a warm hand in yours that makes you feel safe.
you will forget, just like you forget what real love feels like.
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