--I remember very little before my death, but I know that I was born to your average family in the 1600s. We didn't have much money, and lived in the city so we couldn't farm our food. I believe my father had to work a lot of extra time at his job to support me, my mother, and my two brothers. I could be wrong, but I believe he was a fisherman. . . Yes, that must be it. He often brought home fish that were considered 'not good enough for market'. Most of them were too small or were damaged somehow when brought up to the docks. I don't think I really liked fish, but I ate it anyway. It was often the only thing we had around the house. My mother did her best to get creative with how she cooked, but in all honesty my little brother could cook better than her at times. I remember once she accidentally served a bit of raw meat to us. She didn't realise that the whole thing wasn't cooked through yet. . . Thank goodness my father noticed before it was too late.
-- I first found that I had a love for the sea when I was around 14. My father would take us down to the docks to watch the ships come in. I remember being entranced by the waves, and not paying much attention to the actual ships. Something about the sea was so calming, almost peaceful in my chaotic and empty life. Even when my father was at sea, I'd slip out of the house and go sit by the docks. I was often questioned by the men getting off the ships, even taunted a bit. Some of them made crack comments about my appearance (at the time I was little to behold, dressed in practically rags), others mocked my dream about going out to sea when I told them about it. I ignored them for the most part, and many of them just let me be.
-- But one time was different from the others, a man actually had kind words toward me. He asked me what I was doing, to which I responded, "watching the sea". He stood there with some kind of fabric under his arm, one which I noticed most men getting off that ship had. I asked him just what it was, he said it was silk that had be salvaged from a wreck. "because we were the ones to find it, Captain promised we each could take a bit home to our wives," he had said. His next words are still so vivid in my memory, "but I do not have a wife, here, it's yours." I was utterly shocked, even if he didn't have a wife he still could have sold it in the marked. That small roll of silk he had was still extremely valuable, to just give it away was unthinkable. I tried to deny the man's gift, but he was insistent. I ended up taking the small roll hesitantly as he spoke a few parting pleasantries to me. At that time I hadn't even said 'thank you' to the man, his kindness shocked me beyond having proper manners.
-- I didn't see the man again for several months, and quite honestly I was yearning to see his kind face again. I was sitting by the docks, my usual evening thing to do, and there I saw him once more, after what had felt like years passed. He appeared to have aged years from the time I last saw him, too. Perhaps it was years that had passed, I have no sense of time anymore. Anyway, the man this time walked right by me. My feelings were hurt for just a moment before he turned around to see me slightly pouting. I remember him laughing and saying something along the lines of, "thought I wouldn't notice you?"
--It was foolish, in all honesty, to say that I had fallen in love with a man I only meet once . . . But I could tell from just one encounter that this man was one of the best. I thought it would be more foolish had I not fallen in love and let him slip by me. We talked at the docks for a few minutes, before we were kicked out by his ship's captain. From the short conversation we had, I learned his name, Giles. He invited me to dinner that night, promising that the food would be better than what he was sure I had to eat. To me at that time, anything was better than having fish every other night, so I gratefully accepted.
--That was a night I never could have forgotten. The food was just amazing and he was very hospitable. While eating dinner we just talked and talked, I couldn't remember a time where I had talked more. He told me about his job at sea, and about being part of the royal navy. I told him about my bland life and all the chores I had to do all day, it was nothing compared to the tales he spun. We did this several more times throughout the span of a few months, sometimes I'd bring a special baked-good to our dinners that I prepared. I felt that I owed him at least that, he was treating me to dinner quite often.
--Days seemed to pass a lot quicker with him around. The only reason why he was able to stay on land was because his captain's ship had sunk across the sea, and they were having a hard time finding a replacement for it. It was sad, but I had wished something would keep him here, even if it was at another's expense.
--After awhile he began to run out of money, no work no pay, and our meals became less and less something to behold. Pretty soon they consisted of bread and butter, if he was lucky enough to find butter. I felt guilty for coming over there pretty soon. Every time I did he would insist that he feed me, knowing that he didn't have the money to do so. On top of all that, he began to fall ill. It started as just a small cough, but grew into large, shooting pains. I'd hoped that he had something small, but that was clearly not the case.
--I wished that I had the money to find him a doctor, but my family and I where still very broke. I had to sit by and watch his case worsen. With convincing from my parents, pretty soon I didn't even do that. I stopped coming by his house all together, my parents kept me away in fear that I would catch whatever he had too. It was wrong of me, I should have been there for him no matter what, even if it meant that I fall to the same thing. I was far to late by the time that I had come to my senses. His death shook me to the core. I decided to leave home that night he passed, it held to many painful memories. I would drown in sorrow if I did not leave soon.
--I packed the few belongings that I did own, one being the silk that Giles had given to me the day I meet him. I could have used this to pay for a doctor, I thought. My ears twisted painfully back at the thought, I could have done something . . . But I didn't, I wasn't even there for him. Though bring the silk was more painful than leaving it behind, I put it into my small bag, feeling as though I needed a reminder of my selfish acts.
--The first place I went was the docks, I needed to calm down a bit and that was the place to do so. My mind gets hazy past there, I wasn't in my right mind that night. I remember a large ship pulling into the small docks, but I payed no mind to it. Ships coming in at all hours wasn't too uncommon, but this ship was rather torn apart. I should have noticed the black flag that coiled around the poll, but my eyes were clouded with tears.
--Someone hopped over the edge of the ship right as it docked. Surprisingly a female, girls normally weren't allowed to board any kind of ship other than to travel. I finally snapped myself back to reality as she approached me. "W-what do you want," I remember I said to her as I stood up, on the defence. She shouted an order to the others on the ship, " load up the cargo, boys!" Several muscular looking males jumped off the side of the ship. She looked back to me, "and this little thing while your at it, too." My ears folded back, and before I could even think about running one of the guys grabbed me and tossed me over his shoulder.
--The female snicker a bit, "I can tell this one has some real fight in her, she'll be of good use for sure!" Her voice almost echoed a bit in the empty harbor. It was pretty clear they were all pirates, as implied by the clothing and the over all behavior. I kicked the guy several times in the back, but he didn't budge a bit. He climbed the side of the ship, using the anchor chain to propel himself forward. He didn't put me down until we were on board the ship. I let out a loud scream, calling for anyone to help me, though I was silenced by a rag that was tied over my mouth. I don't remember anything more of that night, it was all a blur. I possibly could have been knocked out, or even passed out because of how stressed I was.
--Once I woke I had a thundering headache, it took me awhile just to get my vision clear enough to focus on my surroundings. I was in the lower deck of the ship I noticed, a few crew members were standing over me. I jumped a bit, remembering what had happened last night. "Let me go!" I demanded of the men standing around me. "We're sorry lass, but we can do anything until Cap'n says so," said one of the smaller men. I wasn't tied or anything, to my surprise, so I stood up and brushed off my dress. "Look e' what the little gem has," said one of them, pulling a swatch of silk out of a bag. My bag! "Give that back!" I hollered at him and snatched the bag away, stuffing the silk back in. My response was meet with a snicker and a slightly predatory look. "Cap'n ll be down shortly," said the same one who grabbed my bag, a sneer on his face.
--I waited there a couple minutes, gripping my things close to my chest in hopes to avoid anymore conflict. I heard boots clicking against wood as who I assumed was the captain descended the stairs. "Well look whos awake," she said, eyeing me with a gaze that I couldn't read. I keep silent and clutch my bag tighter, "oh, what've you got there?" She approached me and held out a hand, assuming that she wanted the bag. I shake my head and look to the ground, folding my ears back. She made a 'give it here' motion, though I refused. An audible snarl was heard from her as she snatched my bag away. I watched her thumb through it, as she did so she said out loud everything that was in it. "Brush, comb, dress, . . . unmentionables," a few of the guys snickered, "and silk . . ." She trailed off as she picked up the silk and rubbed it between her finger, letting out a small hum.
--To my relief she put the silk and everything else back in the bag and tossed it back to me. I immediately clutch it back to my chest and scowl at her. "Where do you think is a good place to start her off, Clement?" She asked one of the more beefy looking crew members. He snarled at me before responding, I recognized him as the one I'd kicked. "Personally, I think she'd make a real nice hanging ornament, Madam," he murmured, "you know string her up to the look out po-" he was silenced by a deathly look from his captain. He grumbled and made a real suggestion, "maybe she'd be an alright cook . . ." She seemed to ponder it for a moment, but I interrupted her thoughts. "I don't want to be a part of whatever this is! I demand that you let me go!" I said, slamming my foot onto the wood below. I heard a cracking sound and lifted up my foot to see that I had put a small dent in the old wood. The captain cleared her throat, "on second thought, you will be cleaning up this ship," she paused for a moment before continuing, "you may start by replacing that board." I scowled as she turned and went back up to the main deck. One of the men nudged me over to where they kept all the spare boards and cleaning supplies.
--I fixed the board on the lower deck and then she had me scrub the upper deck. That is how my life went for several months, scrub this, fix that, clean that up. I got sick of doing the same things over and over again. Not to mention that the people that I was doing it for were pirates. At least I got three meals a day and a place to sleep (grant it, it was just a straw bed on the floor, but at least it was something). I had 'fits' (as the captain called it) every now and then, refusing to work. Though I soon learned that if I didn't work I wouldn't get feed, so after the first month I stopped rebelling. We were out at sea the whole time I worked as practically a maid, they didn't ever go by land. Which was reasonable, seeing as though I'm sure they were wanted for thievery. Ships would pass us every now and then, and everyone would be on the defence, but nothing ever happened.
--I rarely ever spoke to the captain, even though she tried to engage in conversation with me quite frequently. I normally respond to her with nods or shakes of the head and the occasional one word answer. She finally had enough of me ignoring her, and snapped one night after about 5 or so months. I was cleaning the railing when she had come up to me and tried to have a talk. But as usual I pretty much ignored her. "why wont you talk to me!" she nearly shouted at me. "I think that's obvious," I responded coldly and turned away from her, still scrubbing the railing. She huffed, "you could at least tell me your name so I can stop calling you 'girl'! I narrowed my eyes and folded my ears back, but I ignored her. She smelled like alcohol, that was probably the only reason why she lost her temper like that . . . She was normally fairly calm. She let out a growl and grabbed my shoulder, forcing me to face her."Hmmm? What is your name!" she demanded. I try to get myself out of her grip but I couldn't. "Why should I tell you my name? I don't even know yours." Her ears folded back for a moment, "I- that's not Important," she muttered. "Then mine isn't either," I say and force her hand off me. I move further down the railing, hoping to get away from her but she continued to pursue me.
--She stood there for awhile, it seemed that my comment had shut her up, for a bit at least. Finally she spoke again, "there's just no one to talk to on this godforsaken ship," she muttered. "There are plenty of people on this ship," I said bitterly. "None of them are female, other than you," she said. I let out a huff, my ears still folded back,"that doesn't matter." She shook her head at me, "but it does, I can't talk to any of them about stuff that is important to me. Most of them are emotionless and can't comprehend the stuff that us girls can." I wince at the line 'us girls', "you just insulted every guy," I muttered. She snickers, "but you know it's true." I shook my head, "I knew a guy that had plenty of emotion, and he understood just about everything that I said to him." I told her about Gilles, and about his untimely death. "So that is why you were sitting at the docks that night, you were running away?" I give a small nod and look down at the sea, trying to hide that I was tearing up a bit.
--"I'm sorry," was what she said to me, and put an arm around my shoulder. I was almost surprised when she said it, I didn't expect her to feel sorry for me, let alone try to comfort me. Just talking about it brought all pain back from that moment made me burst into tears. I turned to her and buried myself into her shoulder, something I'd later regret doing for someone was observing. She hesitated but embraced me back, "he meant a lot to you, didn't he?" she asked quietly, I nodded. I stayed there for awhile until I calmed down to the point where sobs were only occasional. The captain gave a small snicker, "now that you have poured out all our feelings and part of your life story, would you mind telling me your name?" I looked at the ground, "Ardena," I said quietly. Though I wasn't looking at her, I could tell that she had a smile on her face, "Well I guess it's only polite that I tell you mine now," she snickered, "it's Constance."
--Constance and I from then on out spoke more often throughout the day, though at night is when we had more serious conversations. She told me about her life before she was captain of this ship, she'd been convinced to join the crew by the first captain of this ship and moved up in the ranks. Before she knew it she was first mate, and once the captain died she was awarded his position. "Now that was a man who cared about women's rights," she said one night, reflecting upon the story she'd just told. "Most of the crew members didn't want me for their captain, but he always stood up for me. He believed that I was the only one fit to take his place," She'd said with a slight smile on her face. She cleared her throat, which I learned signaled that she was changing her tone to business. "We will be going on a small raid tomorrow, since all the crew members are getting upset that I'm not doing anything," she snicked. I gave an inquisitive look, "what are you raiding?" I asked. "There's a small, but rich, town a few hours away from here. There's normally not many guards posted there at night, so we should be able to get in and out without too much confrontation." I let out a small hum and look at the boards of the ship. "You don't have to participate," she snicked, "You can stay on the ship if you'd like." I nodded, not wanting to take part in any acts of thievery.
--The raid went as planned the next day, I stayed on board the ship while Constance and the others slipped into the town during the night. Surprisingly, they only had a few small fights and to my knowledge no one was killed. They came back with lots of different things, coins, gold, even valuable fabrics. We got out of there quickly, for fear that the royal navy would trail us once they were notified about what happened. The crew celebrated, proud of their successful robbery. Constance even brought something back for me, a couple of gold pins with a fancy design on them. I pinned them to my shirt with a smile and a thank you. "I thought they'd look good with your eyes," she said. I did have small specks of gold in my eyes, I'm sure that they did match them well. "Could I talk to you, in private for a moment?" she asked. I agreed, not knowing what she'd have to say to me that she couldn't infront everyone else. She pulled me down to the lower deck, everyone else was a above the deck celebrating, so it seemed like a reasonable place to talk. "What did you want to tal-" I was cut off by lips on mine.
--I wish she hadn't done that back then . . . Our death's could have been prevented if she'd just held herself back. While I admit that I was growing feelings for her I don't think I ever would have acted on them if she'd not done something first. I don't blame her though, and I'm certainly not mad at her, I couldn't be. I almost feel no regrets in that sense, like I wouldn't do anything differently even if I had the chance to.
--I was still in shock when she pulled back, "I couldn't wait any longer to do that," she said with a feeble laugh. I was shocked beyond words, I wasn't even able to give a response before she left back up to the upper deck. Still in shock, I go over to my bed and flop down on it. So many thoughts ran through my mind at that moment. Some were hopeful and please that someone cared about me, others were full of fear about what could happen if that happened again. People back then weren't as accepting as they were now, so I surely had a right to fear. I could count off several of the crew members that had openly expressed distaste for men that married other men while at sea. Surely they would feel the same way about women together, maybe even resent it more.
--Months at sea slowly became years. The crew and Constance went on more and more robberies, sometimes they even posed as a trading ship and took the goods that were suppose to be going over seas. Constance had kissed me several more times, and I admit that I let her. I had began to care less about what the other crew members thought and welcomed a relationship with her. Ever since I'd been around her I carried a different flame, one that had more to feed it. Even when around Giles I hadn't felt like this.
--She slowly got a bit more brave and showed affection to me in front of a few of the crew members, just a hug. I think that was the breaking straw for whoever was the one that murdered us. I'm almost sure that they had been watching a few times we'd kissed. On top of that, we had been staying in the same room, the captain's quarters, I'm sure that they thought something was going on (even though it wasn't). We went to bed as usual that night, though instead of me using a separate bed, we both stayed in her's. "I really love you, you know," were her last words to me that night. I gave her a responce, "I love you too," with a smile. I don't know how it happened or when during the night, but our lives were taken then . . .
--I woke up to an empty, almost aching feeling in my heart. I sat up in bed and went to rub my eyes, but to my surprise my hand went right through my face. In a panic I try to pat down the rest of my body but my hand kept going right through. "What is happening!" I called out for someone in hopes of a response, but I received none. "Constance?!" I cried, and looked to the bed beside me. She was there, but . . . she was dead. I looked to the other side of the bed, and there I was as well. My ears folded back in a state of panic. I was so very blind, I stumbled out of the captain's quarters and onto the main deck. I watched the sun begin to rise over the horizon, none of the ships crew members were awake yet. Who could have done this! To me, to Constance! I let out another cry as I pace the deck. If Constance had died, why was she not here? Why was I here? So many questions swarmed my mind, and I didn't have an answer to any of them.
--I ended up leaving the ship, blinded by rage and sorrow. I floated above the ocean, trying once more to escape my pain. I hesitated when I saw land in the distance, . . . my town? We had been heading toward my town. Why? I kept going until I reached it. I was on the same side that I'd left, by the docks. "I'm . . . home?"
