TheComfortCorner | V.8

[kishu.]

for once, i just want to be happy. she's less afraid of everyone, but
she's mostly afraid of me. she's more open with everyone instead of
me. i can't do this anymore. i just can't. i'll just stop talking with her
and see how things will go.. yeah, she'll definitely be happy with him.
and with the others and cherish them more than she cherishes me. i'm
just a piece of trash to her. i'm not her best friend and she will replace
me. she just shows way more love to everybody else rather than me.
yeah. i'll just go with the flow. i'll totally do that. i'll find someone else
and she'll be happy with it. yeah. i'll just cry.

[caf.]

bleh.

i hate even talking about this; it feels so...wrong. shameful, or something like that. i know i should open up about it more but it's really hard.

my best friend in the whole world at one point identified as a trans guy. really, that's what made me realize in the first place that i wasn't as cis as i thought (as in, not at all). for a long while it was really nice to have someone to kinda "coach" me through, i guess, because i hadn't a clue who i was and a whole lot of fear.

several months ago she realized she's a lesbian and i really am so proud of her for figuring herself out, and i know she's still gender nonconforming to an extent, but...it feels really different talking to her about these things now. like, i know she'd understand, but i keep having this nagging fear that she'll think less of me. she talks a lot about disliking/distrusting men (which is completely understandable - she's been hurt a lot in the past), and it really hurts sometimes. i don't know why, but it does. i don't want her to feel unsafe around me.

i don't even know what i am. i don't think i'm a guy, but i like to dress that way, and i have a name i like that's kinda masc. but i'm too afraid to tell anyone that, even her, the person i trust most in the world. i'm so so very confused and, frankly, scared, and i just feel so alone. i don't have anyone else in the world who i'd trust to understand and to keep it a secret. i don't want to live the rest of my life as miserable as i currently am but i don't know how to turn things around. i keep putting off the idea of coming out, of getting a binder or something, of maybe going on hormones, because all of that makes it real. all of that means i can't go back. that's such a vulnerable place to be.

this isn't even the biggest thing i should be worried about but it just. really sucks to not even know who you are when everything else is falling apart. and i know i need my best friend to be able to support me fully - i can't blame her for what i haven't told her - but it's such a frightening feeling to have to put yourself out there and just hope that maybe they'll be okay with it. i'm scared nobody will even like my name. is that a stupid thing to be afraid of?

this is probably utterly incoherent, i honestly just can't type the whole thing out because i really don't feel like having a messy breakdown the day of my concert. i don't even know what i need, beyond some reassurance. i don't know.

[dakotapaws]

"why are you so miserable all the - time?"

what a way to be nice, mother. as if you couldnt be anymore clearer on how much you dislike me. i know im a burden. i cant control when depression decides to hit me, okay. you saying these.. awful things doesnt help me stay away from a relapse. i still remember crap you say that hurts me. swearing at me. if i had anywhere else to go i would. but i dont. i dont have family nor friends to go to. so im stuck with you and the rest of you who cant stand my presence. ill get through college. and thats it. ill do what i can to make it that far. im done being talked down on and thrown away. someone else can take my spot on this world. ive got no one. im sorry i am such a burden on your guys' life.

[houndoom]

i wish i could fill the void my dog left in my life. i wish i could feel something akin to happiness again.

[sillies]

harassing me and joking about my change in sexuality is not supporting me;;;

[cornspurrd.]

HOW HARD IS IT TO DO SOMETHING THATS FOR SOMEBODY OTHER THAN YOURSELF.

IM GOING TO MURDER SOMEONE

[mandalorian]

i shouldve stopped expecting anyone to care about my wellbeing a long time ago

[Imagine Dragonfruits]

My dog was put to sleep today..I don't want to do anything but sleep, and I can't stop crying. I saw Bosco's urn and I became hysterical..Make it stop.

[cornspurrd.]

sitting here trying to work out my issues and urges alone,,

Im screwed.

[charmie]

It's really hard for me to find a job because I'm a high school drop out and I dropped out because of my emotional problems, so it's not only hard to find a job because I'm a drop out but because of my emotional problems as well. About two weeks ago I finally got an interview after applying to twenty or so jobs and I got the job, it was in retail (and to be honest I'm not supposed to be working in retail). I actually loved working there and my coworkers were lovely but of course, I got the boss that thought they were the almighty ceo or something but they were just the store manager and I understand that their job was to keep us in check. I had a couple of meltdowns here and there not because of the customers but because the manager expected me to work like a machine as if I was supposed to be programmed in 30 minutes or less to know how to work the cashier and how to work the fitting rooms. She treated her employees as if we weren't even human beings, and this was the two days that she was there cause the rest of the time she was having her vacation days. When she was on vacation though, it was honestly great and everything went smoothly.

A couple days ago though I had a meltdown because she gave me some information last second and I don't know why these new rules applied to me and not anyone else and I felt like I was being numbered out like all the work was put on me. The one coworker I wasn't too happy to be working with was on shift with me and I had only just met her that day, she disappeared and I had no clue what she was doing or what she was even working on or if she was even working at all. It got super busy in the fitting rooms and with the new rules that I had just learned I felt as if I was being overworked suddenly, and then a lady came up with two of her very young boys and I understand that children can be very wild and don't understand rules but her younger of the two boys was taken in clothes willy-nilly and I could not keep track of the number and I just was about to break and I needed someone else there to help out so I called for assistance about five times on the intercom and it took my coworker quite a while to get down to the fitting room to help me. She helped me out and things got better, I had my two-minute break in which I just needed to break in the small room behind the fitting rooms out of the public eye and my coworker couldn't even give me a reason of why it took her so long to get to the fitting rooms.

After that I told my coworker what happened and just a few minutes after she left my manager came down and they yelled at me for having a breakdown and said that I can't have continuous breakdowns all the time, and when I told them about my problems and how I work a bit differently than other people they called me a liar and told me that I should quit because I am obviously not fit for a job in the public since I can't handle being in front of people. To be honest, I wasn't afraid of being in front of the kid or talking to the parents or the other people in the store, I was scared of making a mistake and something gets stolen or the security people coming down and yelling at me for not doing something right. A million things were going through my head in that small frame and I tried to explain that to my manager but they didn't want to hear it because apparently, they didn't believe anything that I was saying.

Sidenote: I have all the help that I need, I'm perfectly fine. I'm just really upset about having a bad manager that doesn't understand people.