i don't know how you can think i'm going to be hopeful and excited about change. i was trapped in that place for almost 5 years, okay? i'm never going to get over that.
every day i'm still afraid that they're going to come and knock on my door and try to take me away again. and then all of our hard work will go to waste, all over again. i don't care that "they're different up here". i can't believe that, i'm sorry.
me moving in with my dad isn't going to fix crap, either. i love him, and he loves us, but...he can't handle taking care of kids. he tries his best but he can't.
it's just going to go back to the way it was before. change isn't possible at this point.
if i go with him, i'm going to lose so many of my coping tools. you know how you're going to get my favorite thing? no, i'm not specifying it here so they can judge me, i'm not. but you know how you're getting it? i hope you realize what that's going to do to me. i'm not going to be able to handle it. i can't.
yeah, sure, you're going to give me the other one, the one that can barely do anything. it barely even works, damn it! it doesn't have enough space to keep everything i've hoarded, anyways.
i get it, my coping methods are incredibly unhealthy. i'm sorry that i feel the need to keep so many stupid things. i'm sorry that i need this one object just to keep living. i'm sorry that i'm too weak and stupid to do anything else! but nothing is going to change this. nothing is going to change me.
they ruined me, okay? all of them did. and karma isn't going to come for them, either. nobody is ever going to do anything about what they did to us. nobody.
and, on top of all of this, they're not helping anymore. i can't hold it against them, i love them too much. but...just being in the same group as them isn't helping my mental state as much as it was. i can't just keep sitting here and doing nothing while they're out having fun...
but i can't. i can't talk to them like i used to. there's too many of them now. i'm sure they don't even like me anymore. they don't really care. i'm a terrible person, okay?
i already talked behind (name 3) and (name 4)'s backs. i've already insulted everything they've enjoyed in the past. look at them, they don't even like talking about those things around us anymore. i offended them. i bullied them. i'm awful.
meanwhile, (name 5), my original friend, the one i met on (game), the one i spent so much time with...he never liked my writing in the first place, did he? he's insulted me plenty of times for it. and everyone agrees with him, too, right? my characters and stories are terrible and unoriginal, according to them. and of course, they're right.
the only ones that really seem to care about me at all anymore are (name 1) and (name 2). my best friends. i love both of them so much...but we're drifting, aren't we?
(name 1) is barely online anymore. she's always so busy talking to her other friends, the ones i don't know. i'm sorry for being jealous. i really love that you have other friends, trust me. i'm glad that you're enjoying your time with them and that you're having fun. but...we barely talk anymore.
maybe i'm just being dumb. (name 1) and i don't have much in common anymore. sure, you got me into all of those fun things, but you don't seem to care about them much anymore...god, why didn't i get into them sooner? then we could've laughed and joked about them like you had done with (name 2).
(name 2)...he's great. he's so nice and sweet and we still do talk all the time. but...it's getting frustrating. he's the only one who still talks to me on a regular basis. i can't just keep talking to him about the same things over and over. it'll just get boring and then i'll be stuck with nobody to talk to.
...nobody to talk to, like it was for so long. god, i can't handle that again. i just can't.
