TheComfortCorner | V.7

[ferrari]

Ok, so, I've got a few things I'd really like comfort with. One of the first things is that I'm failing High School pretty badly. I'm trying my best, I'm doing all I can. The teachers always look at me with disappointment, and I really hate that. I'm not organized, I'm not smart, but I'm willing to try my hardest at everything. This is my first year in a school that I can remember because I've been homeschooled for as long as I can think back to. It's really hard for me to be there, and I go home about once a week at noon because I've got sensory issues that the school says isn't real because the testing I got done for it is over four years old. I'm picked on at school often, and I'm a really sensitive person. Anything that will help with my disabilities or help calm me is banned. Some boys in my school are really disrespectful and will poke and prod me in the stomach, give very inappropriate gestures, and they will disturb the whole class. The same group of boys is bullying me, and I'm too afraid to speak up because they're on the sports team, their mom works at the school, etc. I feel really left out, and like I'm about to explode. If I explode, I've got a very big temper that has gotten me into a lot of trouble, and I don't want to be kicked out of the school. The same group of boys are also very openly sexist and will shout out in the middle of the class about how girls/women should be submissive to them, the teachers just ignore it.

Another thing that's going on is the problem in my more private/sports life. I'm a competitive figure skater, and no one seems to recognize that at my school. They simply don't care, mock me for it, or curl their lip up and walk away. They say that it's not a sport, that it's useless, and that there is no reason for me to be wasting my time and money on it. What they won't know, however, is that I've got plenty of scars on my body from the sport, and so it's super offensive to me that they're mocking it. My parents had to get second jobs so I could skate, and they mock me, and my parents, for it.

The last thing is that I'm done with people saying I'm not good enough. At the rink, I'm told I'm not good enough, compared to the girls and boys that have been skating since they could walk. I'm told I'm not good enough at school because my grades aren't the best. I'm told I'm not good enough at my house because my grades aren't high, I'm not the smartest, and because I'm different from my sister who got huge scholarships to go to a good private school to start working for the CIA. I'm just done with being told I'm not good enough, I'm wierd, I'm useless, I'm not acting like a girl, that I'm someone who is more rough and tough than the other girls at the school. I just wish someone would accept me for who I am, accept me for my personality, accept me for the little knowledge I have, accept me for the temper I have, accept me for the disabilities I have, accept me for being me.

[saint]

hey, to whoever is reading this. this is just a vent kind of post, just an update i suppose.. life isn’t that great for me at the moment so i’m just going to pour my words out into this.

i’m failing in art. the amount of stress that it has been causing me is off the scale at the moment. the topic i chose was light and dark yet that means so many things and i just got really confused easily. on Friday, i actually started crying in class because i was thinking what the hell am i supposed to do? . the teachers handing out these really impressive art books that were A graded and I’m panicking because what???? i’m supposed to be doing that for an A grade???? my book hasn’t even got anything in it either. i just ack.. give up i suppose.. i just walked out after that, despite my mind telling me not to, but i guess i felt some spike in confidence so i just left the room.

i guess everything’s okay now. it’s half term so it’s less stressful. i have a week to finish my photography research for my exam, and then finish a Shakespeare essay. do i even bother with art anymore? but anyway, i’ve found it harder to go outside. i used to exercise pretty much everyday in the holidays or whenever i could but i’m just sat doing nothing nowadays, eating junk. i’m not exactly overweight or chubby, as many people have told me I’m quite slim or skinny. i just don’t exactly have body confidence.

i’m getting anxious less though, the only times i have been is when i’ve been sat in English with a bunch of people i don’t really know. a girl sat next to me is nice, so that’s good but the rest are just.. those types where they’re really immature and they think they’re funny or whatever. it’s just, in this lesson, my hands are sweating immensely and my heart is pounding rapidly in my chest. ugh, how i hate anxiety. i wish i could just talk to people and make friends. but no.

does anyone know how to improve a relationship with their father by the way? because i’m struggling. a lot.

okay i’m done. sorry for this weird vent thing post.

[✮ deathcore]

could i get a pm ? not really sad, just
need to..get my thoughts out, i guess.

[General Chaos]

I think I'm going numb...

You'd think I'd cry more...
Or at least scream...

I miss you dad 😟 The house is empty without you... It hurts you'll never meet my kids... Or walk me down the isle... God I had so many plans...

But I'm glad your not in pain anymore... I'm glad your somewhere better...

You were my everything... My hero... My best friend... I'll talk to you every day dad... I promise my kids will know about you... I'll tell them all our stories...

I love you...
I miss you...
Cancer sucks...

💕~~2/10/18~~💕

1518297511362.jpg (109.1 KiB) Viewed 108 times

[Saddened]

i don't know if im allowed to talk about this but,
I'm just bawling my eyes out.
My boyfriends parent's found out we were dating.
His dad found out yesterday night.
They acted so weird all day..
Then they finally told him he's not allowed to talk to me anymore.We're in a long distance relationship as well.It really broke my heart hearing him call me one last time while crying..
He just told me to bare with him and that he'll find a way.Im just really feeling sad now, i just lost a good part of me..
And i probably won't ever be able to talk to him again..
I've never felt so heartbroken in my life about someone.
My heart sank when i heard him cry.
We both aren't allowed to date as well and his parents are extremely strict.
Im just so.., i can't even explain it right now, I just feel so heartbroken..

[decembuary;]

i haven't posted on chicken smoothie since december 25th because my family is literally falling apart at the seams.

my parents have been getting into a lot of fights lately, and i'm really tired and sick of it. i had the displeasure to overhear my mom yell at my dad over skype this morning and since this atmosphere makes me super uncomfortable, i always squirrel away into my room and try and play some music or videos on youtube to drown out my mom's voice.

i've never said anything about my parents' crumbling relationship to my mom because i know she doesn't want to talk about it and i don't want to hear about it. i always give her her space after she lets out steam and then i might just ask her what we're having for dinner or point out how it's been snowing for like, forever.

i know ignoring things and ignoring the fact that my parents are probably going to get a divorce really isn't going to lighten the situation or make things any better, but if they divorce they're divorcing over issues that don't involve me and i don't want to interrogate for details because i guess i don't want to face it. besides, my mom yells so loud i can get most of the information without wanting to.

i wish my mom would stop bringing her supposed hatred for my dad up repeatedly, though, especially when i go out of my way to avoid it. i took a shower today and my mom had just finished yelling at my dad a couple hours prior and the two of us moved on like it had never happened - my mom came into my room while i was typing some stuff for my stories onto a word doc and she was like "oh, you're wearing that black shirt again? you've been wearing that for a week! there's a gray shirt in your closet that i hung up for you earlier today, put that on instead." normal enough.
so i go to my closet and i pull a clothes hanger off the rack and i'm like "this shirt?" and with those two words, i set off a nuclear bomb.

she transitions into the same temper she had while yelling at my dad. "have i raised a daughter that stupid? are you really so dumb that you can't recognize your own shirt?" along with another myriad of insults including how i'll turn out to be a failure just like my dad.

and it's always about my dad.
"your dad isn't anything without me, just a nobody. do you want to follow the same path as him? oh, wait, you're already a nobody."
"at your age, you should be putting your full attention into school, because i don't want you to be like your dad when you grow up. if you're like your dad, it'll be embarrassing for both me and you and the only way you'll survive is if you're so amazingly pretty a rich man wants to marry you. you aren't amazingly pretty, so start putting your heart into your studies."
it's like my dad is somehow the epitome of failure and i don't know why she still keeps him around if she possesses such a hatred for him. is it because she doesn't want me to have to tell somebody i only have a mom and no dad? is it because she doesn't want me to be emotionally traumatized by a broken family? i don't know, and i'm not close to finding out.

and what i hate the most is her snarky comments about me being on the laptop often, and my grades. yes, i am indeed on the laptop often. why? because i love writing.
i remember my english teachers dating as far back as first grade telling me that i was an exceptional writer. i really am not that good of a writer, but my elementary teachers were all incredibly nice and just the thought of them makes me feel so happy. i've sadly never written a full piece, but connecting the dots between my ideas and stringing them into a possible story idea or plotline is fun and enjoyable all the same. i like keeping my ideas on a digital platform because my hand isn't very strong - i get terrible hand cramps very easily, so why put myself through all that pain? i have so many ideas and my hand doesn't have enough strength to put them down on paper, and keeping them on a digital platform ensures they will never get lost.

but nooOOOOoooo, i'm on the internet 24/7 because i'm a garbage excuse for a human being who is insensitive to the needs of my mother, is very self-centered and cares only about myself and not at all about my grades or my future.

she says that i'm on the internet too often and that i do not give a single damn about my grades, which bothers me more than anything. i'm sure somebody here will remember when i posted back a couple months ago about that 75% i got on a test.
i've been trying so hard to redeem myself and i think i'm almost there. i've gotten a one hundred on every single test and quiz we've had this quarter, and so now my math grade is a solid 100%. i'm pleased with myself because i'm not the best at math and my hard work has paid off for me finally.

but no. my mom disregards that entirely, like somehow some other kid got those 100s for me - and i can't even bring it up, because she'll be all "yeah but you do remember that 75? it doesn't matter. you were a failure and you still haven't changed."
i'm even in an honors math class and an honors english class at my school, but my honors math class isn't "real honors" according to my mom because i learn material from my grade and from one grade ahead of me - it's only "real honors" if i'm learning material entirely from a grade higher than me.

if i didn't give a single damn about my grades i wouldn't have a solid 100% in math. if i didn't give a single damn about my grades i wouldn't be in honors classes. if i didn't give a single damn about my grades i wouldn't have been a straight A student this entire year, and the last year, and the last year, and the last year. if i didn't give a single damn about my grades i wouldn't be on the honor roll everytime a report card comes out.

i used to wish when i was younger for some new hello kitty and penguin stuffed animals but starting when i was 7 every 11:11 wish, every blow-the-seeds-off-a-dandelion wish was that i was no longer chinese or asian in general, because starting from when i was 7 it seemed like my mom didn't believe in my achievements because all her co-workers had honors students - i was a straight A student even when i was 7, but i was still pretty average and i wasn't in any advanced classes. i thought that perhaps this was exclusive to my cultural background only, and i thought that maybe if i was white or something that my mom would somehow be nicer.

anyways, i am most likely being horribly selfish right now. in the heat of the moment i tend to vent out more misery or be more dramatic or whiny or whatever. this hellish storm only settled in today - just yesterday, saturday night, my mom and i were sharing a laugh over the bad plotline of a new movie that came out. a lot of kids' parents are like this 24/7 and even ruder than mine and they're still alive while i'm whining about something that'll probably only last a month.

still, i would give a lot to go back to saturday night again.

[alaski]

i really wanna go to an art school but my parents keep pushing me away from it because its so expensive... i really hate that i take the act in like a month and a half and that i'm going to be a senior next year. god this is so stressful.

[Skittle.]

I dont know what to do because i feel so sad and anxious like im crying right now. My school changed my classes (not subjects just classes) and i dont like any of the teachers or have friends in them. Its ridiculous because my friends timetable which was IDENTICAL to mine didn't even get changed around so why did they pick me? im not alowed to change it back to my original timetable too . In one of my classes i have no friends and find it extremely boring and if i am not allowed to change my classes back to my old timetable i think i will move to a different subject, but there is none i like

WHY DONT THEY JUST LET ME HAVE MY ORIGINAL TIMETABLE
i was so happy with it and loved all my classes

I don't know what to do i cant concentrate at all i just feel so sad and annoyed. If i go to the office and ask for a change i know they will say no and when they do i wont be able to control myself from crying. I couldn't even sleep last night because i was crying and didn't want to go to school. I am going to get my parents to e-mail the school but i feel like if they say no i will cry again

[tenor]

I need to go to sleep, but I can't stop regretting my actions --or well, my not-actions.
I don't want to go to school tomorrow, class is going to feel so empty without him there It's gonna be dark and dreary and dear lord that's not what I need right now

A hug would be nice, but no reply is really needed.

[ptolemaea]

Art has always been my thing. But now, I don’t know what to draw! It’s like with all the other things in life I need art and I can’t draw! Any ideas?