TheComfortCorner | V.9

[Starryfox]

I feel so upset all of the time and I don't think I'll ever feel okay

[azemyc]

its not that simple

how can you dismiss everything so easily

[teariffic]

my head hurts

[Ziggy Zag]

Not necessarily wanting comfort about this, just using this as a way to vent. Feel free to ignore this.

I have this mindset where if I’m already bullying myself, no one can bully me. I enjoy animating and drawing, and I love posting it online, but my work is probably what’s considered “cringe.” In order to avoid being called cringe and having negative feelings because of other’s comments, I try to acknowledge it as much as I can and call my work cringe. Sometimes I can go a little too far with this, because I end up straight up denouncing my work entirely to the point where something I was proud of becomes something I hate. The more I speak negatively about it, the more I start to believe those negative things. People think I denounce my work because I’m seeking compliments, but I’m not. I’m doing what I previously listed RIGHT NOW as I’m typing this! I’m fighting the urge to call my work cringe at this very second. Drawing silly cats makes me happy, but with what I’m doing, it’s starting to feel like it’s not. I should probably stop posting my work, but I don’t want to. Despite all the negativity I feel, I love seeing how it makes those very few people’s days.
But, it’s not just my art that I feel this way about. It’s me, too.
Other people are harsh. I care a lot what others think about me. I recently moved to a new school and I’m trying SO HARD to make a good impression. As soon as I walk into a room, I feel the need to announce how ugly I am so people know that I’m aware of it. People think it’s me being silly, but IT’S NOT!! It’s to the point where I feel like I’m ugly and dumb and so on. What was once a mechanism to avoid negativity and bullying has become what I actually think about myself. I think I’m ugly. I’m not trying to do this for compliments, IT’S WHAT I ACTUALLY FEEL ABOUT MYSELF AND I HATE IT. I’m a relatively young person, too, so I don’t get why I should feel this way. I feel like all my problems are stupid and there are worse matters in the world, because there are, but it still makes me feel like crap. I forgot to feed my pet lizard the other day and had an absolute breakdown. I lie constantly, sometimes at things where there’s no reason to lie! My grandpa died a couple years back and despite how sad I was I didn’t cry which led my mom to thinking I didn’t care that he died but I did no matter how close or not close I was to him. I SMILED WHEN HE DIED. WHY DID I SMILE?! I lost a friend moving schools who I liked so much, but I couldn’t help but feel like she hated me. I have ways to contact her but she doesn’t respond. Anyways, I’m off track.

Sorry for venting about random crap. Despite all the negativity I listed, I have a happy life with a happy family. I’m about to type about how my problems are stupid right now but I’m resisiting it. Have a good day/night. Merry Christmas.

[Unilluminate]

,

[Ƈಎ႑ಎෆiႵƴ]

Just a vent
I take a week vacation before the upcoming blackout dates. Sounds great, right?
1)We have two 60 inch tvs and they both crapped out the same day. I'm fine without the TV but the hubby wants it, I pay $311 for a 55 inch TV same day.
2) Vehicles need spark plugs, breaks, and rotors. Missing a jack for a low profile vehicle that was $264 alone PLUS all the breaks and rotors and the spark plugs aaaaand the tools needed for a jeep and car. Guess how much altogether. Over $1,500. I bought it all.
3) My father moved out finally after 9 months of me and my husband owning the house so we moved into one of the master bedrooms (sister took the other master bedroom when dad first bought the place and she is paying us rent+ her bf). SO problem was, it's winter and it's like 90 degrees at night. I'm not kidding I live in a desert and love 100+ degree weather, this was stagnant and uncomfortable to fall asleep in. Didn't open the sliding door because there were dogs barking. The next day I bought a fan to assemble onto the ceiling (my dad used a portable fan and had a light in the place of a ceiling fan). My husband bought new blinds because the ones in the room were so old they couldn't slide anymore. $220 for the fan. The instructions they forgot to print the most important parts the assembly page 6-10 SO it took my husband 4 hours to watch videos and figure it out himself and the past owners before my dad left barely any wire to connect the motor to. I was just the person who'd help hold things while he screwed them into place. EVENTUALLY we got a working fan that evening.
4) This one's more my fault. I just bought presents for everyone the past few weeks because it's the first Christmas in our own house we bought. I have my sister, her boyfriend, my mother-in law, my husband's step dad, my mom, husbands sister, and of course the doggo to buy for. Give or take i spent approximately $500 (we didn't celebrate last year because we lived in a different state from the fams).
5) I also had to buy new jeep street tires because they were used and given for free, they were all different tires and a crack was bad enough I made it home with a flat. We have brand new off road tires, but they hurt fuel efficiency. The street tires cost $700 new for all four (not a bad deal, not complaining.) I bought em.

So lets do math. That is approximately $3,495+ some I spent because i'm not calculating warrantees and tax.
Just financially crushing blows, all really bad and unnecessary timing.
We still have to demolish over 1271sw ft of saltillo tile, it's cracking and unleveled and absorbs odors very easily. Plus it's discolored over age. Gonna replaced with vinyl (cheaper route, not our forever home) plus remodeling three bathrooms with showers and need to install at least a tub in one (all are shower, not loving it). Cabinets need to be installed in each bathroom + new sinks and faucets (ours is leaking). Toilets need to also be replaced in all 3. They work OK, just the valves are going bad and rather just get new ones if everything else is gonna be new and we have to shut off the water anyways to install the faucets. We have a friggen pool to maintain, too. Kills us in the summer in purchasing chemicals, otherwise pretty easy to maintain. Need to hire a chimney sweeper, airduct cleaner, and get a termite treatment to prevent them. We also may be looking to completely get a new AC unit that's mounted on the top of the house, they cost $6-15k.
I get it, it's part of being a home owner. I hear it from everyone all the time. Could be worse *shrugs*

Imma keeping my cool, just these are big projects and we tend to push things for as long as we can and things end up like how this week has gone SO there's my vent ;-;

[tenderly]

I don't feel safe to vent here but everyone else seems to know exactly who they are.
when I think of myself its just a blank piece of paper.
I really hate giving introductions because when you ask me to describe myself, I really don't know.
If I could say nothing, I'm nothing. I just wish there was someone to tell me who I am and where I am going

[rover]

Sedit qui timuit ne non succederet.

[sinensys]

i am a product of american culture, undoubtedly --- but what of the title to which i affix '-american'? odessan heritage, but russian speakers, and the fact that they are staunchly pro-russian in this literal war doesn't help. if there hadn't been a war, would i have even cared to redefine my cultural label? arguably, soviet-american would have been the most fitting title, but that doesn't exactly work. they speak ukrainian, but poorly --- although at my expressed interest in learning ukrainian, my grandmother looked proud and told me that as long as it wasn't a polish surzhyk, it would have been her grandmother's mother tongue. strange how quickly titles oscillate between 'slavic brothers' and 'fascists'.

would it even be any use? i have fluency in russian, which is arguably my first language, though no longer my strongest. it is used more than ukrainian as a language option for websites, apps, and the like. the likeliness they would use ukrainian at all is laughably low when russian is more familiar and had been the identity toted for years, a ukrainian name asterisked by the wide hand of history. so not at home then. in media, english dominates and will continue to dominate until i find channels that provide the content i like. russian previously was the language of user interfaces --- does changing that to ukrainian change anything, or is it another idea i've romanticized once more? some of my mothers friends --- the parents of people i've grown alongside --- can be kazakh by ethnicity by wholly identify with the russian identity.

am i just overthinking things, usurping what is and reinstating that puppet should be in its stead? or am i unknowingly profiting of the victimization of a people who i, until now, regarded as a separate identity, if at all? or am i right in attempting to revive archaeological remains of a historical technicality, a product of that hand's long reach? i could pull out many more identities from that spool of thought --- why can i pass up moldovan and german identities so easily, but get hung up on ukrainian/russian? if i am both (though allegedly more ukrainian genealogically), then must i choose? or is ukrainian-american enough to put an asterisk beside culture and language? or is russian-american a more apt description of my upbringing, raised on soviet (russian speaking) cartoons and russian books with only my mother's mild ukrainian accent to hint at the ukrainian origins?

maybe i suddenly care of a thing too much and it matters not in the long run. it is difficult to lay to rest in the long dark though.

[cornspurrd.]

tbh, life is annoying