Write a Letter You Cannot Send (Read the Rules!)

[spookypuff]

here's to a belated sweet 16, chicken smoothie! this website honestly means so much to me - i've met so many great friends here and also improved my english skills IMMENSELY, enjoyed all the events and pets made for the users, learned all about art and bbcode here and even though i may not talk as much as i used to on this website i still make sure to visit it everyday! i could go on and on but all i wanted to say is thank you!!

here's to more years of fun and a congratulations on your sweet 16!

[iHolli]

{ one year.
{ I almost didn't realize. wouldn't have, if not for the other events of the week. but it's been a year today.
{ it's been the worst year of my life. mostly thanks to you, yeah. lost my home, my life, my purpose, and everything I had all in the span of a week. spent the month packing up what was left to leave it all behind. April won't ever be the same, so you know, thanks for that.
{ I've done nothing but hurt and feel lost since then. I suppose my one solace has been knowing you probably look back and realized how badly you messed up, throwing me away like I was nothing, and knowing you can't ever get that back. I was too good for you. I always have been. I always will be. shame you had to be the one to knock me down and let life kick me while I was there until I figured it out. not that it hasn't messed me up but good, anyway. all those empty promises of yours and how you wouldn't treat me like everybody else, and you went and tossed me aside anyway when I stopped being useful to you. wonder how well you sleep at night knowing that.
{ doesn't matter. I still spend most of my days barely getting out of bed. not seeing the reason to keep going. things just seem to get worse. yeah, occasionally a distraction pops up, gives me an excuse for one more day, but it's always in the back of my mind. knowing how much I lost, how much you took from me, like it was nothing and I never mattered to you, not really. are you happy now? are you?
{ and yet. one year.
{ I've gotten lucky. despite the fear you hammered into me that I can't trust anyone especially where it counts most, people are looking out for me. offering me a hand. helping me up out of the dirt where you left me. reminding me that it's not all my fault, like you let me believe. telling me I'm still worth something. that I can be myself, however weird I seem, and I'm not less enjoyable to be around. giving me reasons to get out of bed, for one more day. being honest and not hating me for being honest in return. you wouldn't know a thing about having an honest, forward conversation, despite the anxiety, would you. scares me stiff to be direct about things but people are helping me with it and giving me the same in return. giving me room and encouragement to heal.
{ one year. you cost me everything, and one year ago you pulled the rug out from under me for good. but you were right about one thing. I am better off without you. I'll never stop hurting from it, in many ways, but there's good people helping me find reason to try to heal.
{ happy one year.

×××
{ what can I say that you don't already know? heh. it's nice to be honest with someone and not have to hide details for fear of upsetting you in some way. we haven't been friends for long and we only just started talking so much but, well, you already know you're easy to talk to. I'm not even afraid of being open, I don't have the worry in the back of my mind that it's all going to come apart sooner or later, I don't fear when the other shoe will drop.
{ maybe we won't be friends forever. maybe we'll drift apart like usually happens to me. but we said we'd be affectionately annoying each other forever, and I promised to hold you to it, and I didn't feel like I shouldn't have said it, either. for however long this lasts, I can't ever express how much it means to have you around. you've so quickly become a lifeline without seeming like the only lifeline at all. you picked the best time to introduce yourself into my life and even though I've been so weird about it I actually believe you when you don't judge me for it. I can't imagine having that conversation with anyone else. how'd you do that?
{ I know it's probably stupid to get attached to someone so quickly but you're genuine in every word and I actually believe that. you say you're comfortable around me and that puts me even more at ease, nothing strange about it, because we're honest with each other. that means more to me than I can ever put into words. we can be silly and serious and everywhere in between and I never feel the need to shy away from saying something. I guess this is what actual friendship feels like, huh? or whatever we're calling this, now. I don't mind whatever. I know where we stand.
{ well, the point is, thanks. I'm glad you're here. no matter what happens, I'll always be grateful that you showed up. love you, man. ♡

[Kirari]

Dear S

I miss you a lot, it’s almost been a month since we found out I had limited time with you but I’m not even sure what date was the last time we spoke considering all our messages are gone now. I wrote so much about you, about how much it hurts and about how perfect you were (you still are) but there’s only so much writing stuff down helps so I’m taking a break to just write about my own mistakes as I need to forgive myself somehow. I would honestly prefer it if you just broke up with me, that would have hurt less as then it would be your choice but the fact that neither of us had any choice at all is what makes me want to scream. I had a good day today, it’s only 4 so I’m still having a good day but thinking about you and thinking about my own future now is ruining it, I was at the stables and there’s a new horse there until after the next competition and I will be riding her in it, she’s beautiful and I plan to paint her for an art competition. I thought about how you said you’d buy me a horse, I will still buy myself horses in the future but it hurts that I will never have one from you, it hurts that the only thing I have from you is a blanket which I sleep with every night but I won’t be selfish, it’s not the value of a physical item that matters to me it’s the fact that it’s from you and I just wish I could have more from you so I could feel connected even though it’s over now. It’s over and we had been on borrowed time since the first day we got together, we didn’t know that at the time but looking back it makes our relationship seem so pointless now, it wasn’t pointless but knowing that we never had a chance makes it seem so. My future is so uncertain now, I wonder if I’m also on borrowed time but I suppose even if anything happens I will come out of it better than you could, I don’t want much but I hate uncertainty. My friends are too hopeful, I don’t blame them when they don’t understand as well as we do how some things work, you were always more hopeful than me but in this case we were both realists. I’m sorry that we didn’t talk more, that I disappeared a couple times and didn’t even text for days and I know you forgave me every time I did something wrong but knowing that you’re gone now makes me feel so guilty for every mistake, it made me happy that despite that you said you never loved anyone as much as you love me. I will always love you but I need to be able to forget sometimes, I will remember you on the times I have the strength.

-

Dear L

I loved spending time with you on Tuesday, it’s sad that over the past few years we haven’t gotten together nearly as much as we did before our major falling out but that was mostly my fault even if I was going through a lot so I can’t blame you. Pretty much every time we’ve talked lately I’ve been in the middle of a huge situation and Tuesday was no exception but I’m glad we were together so despite still feeling probably the most stressed I ever have I had fun. I know you were confused as to why the fact that I was happy made me sad but really it wasn’t because I wasn’t enjoying myself, I was a lot, I just was mourning what I may lose. I cried a little on the drive back to my house but you didn’t notice, that’s fine I didn’t want to make you worried. I wish I could talk to you when something isn’t happening but I put myself in difficult situations so there will always be some sort of drama. I was sad when we pulled up to my house, we see each other maybe only once a year now and simply saying goodbye isn’t enough but I never know when is the right time to hug someone and I really wanted to hug you so you could hold me together before I break but I just left and went to my room. I love you an unreasonable amount, when you said you want to move to America I had to try not to cry as then when would I ever see you? I couldn’t move myself when I love it here (not my specific area but I’m never leaving Ireland) and I hate so much about America (as do the Americans I’ve talked to so that’s saying something). I really wish we could go back to being 13/14 sometimes and play games together all the time and talk for hours about horses and have sleepovers and just talk in general more but years have passed and things are different, we’re adults now with adult worries (sort of) and we can never go back. I feel sad that I’m so needy for you when we don’t talk NEARLY as much but when I get attached I’m just intense like that and I have to dial it down or I’ll scare everyone away.

-

Dear K

It’s been a couple years since I last saw you, I wonder what you’d think of me now. You were proud of me back then, in the note you wrote in the notebook you left for me you said that you learned from me but I wonder how much you ever really knew me. I loved you more than I should have and I still think of you, I wish we still talked but the last time we messaged each other it was last September and I told you about L’s birthday. You helped me a lot and I hope you know that, you sometimes pushed me too far I think but you always had good intentions so I don’t blame you. I would love to tell you about what’s happening in my life now but I don’t know how much detail I could even get into, you don’t have authority over me anymore but would you still like me if you knew the full truth? It would break me if your view of me was tainted, my view of myself is but I care more about your opinion. You had hope for me, most people did, it’s sad that the bar was set higher than I can probably reach now but I promise I’ll make something of my life no matter how long it takes, I promise I’ll do some good and I promise I’ll try to reach my goals but I can’t promise reaching my full potential, that’s gone now. You know as well as anyone that life isn’t linear, I hope you will understand that mine will be a jagged line.

[Resplendent]

Dear self,

What happens happens. Your fear is rooted is not getting any job for the summer, and that's okay. The thing is, this doesn't have to be scary or even a bad thing. Even though getting a job/internship would be ideal, one thing else is that you've worked so incredibly hard over the last 5 years of working your butt off, so much so that despite paying thousands of dollars in tuition, you're still 8 thousand dollars over the financial goal you set for yourself that you wanted to achieve BEFORE going to college/paying tuition. It's as if you never spent a dime.

So, if no gig results from this opportunity, is it not imprudent to maybe take some time off and maybe... enjoy yourself for the summer? After this, there's only one semester left, and the odds of said job keeping you long-term are unknown.

But my point is: even if nothing results from tomorrow, everything will be okay in the end, because your end goal is to get a full-time entry level design position somewhere, which likely won't happen until post-college anyway. You're gonna be okay. You're financially okay. Everything is gonna be okay.

Nothing negative will result from this experience. Just be yourself, you'll hang out with O tomorrow morning, and after everything is said and done, you will celebrate this challenging day with bubble tea.

Most importantly though: what happens, happens. And whatever happens after tomorrow will be the thing that is meant to happen.

[.Vellichor.]

.

I know that you get upset about things, and it's reasonable to be upset. I know you can't always put on a happy face. But you get so cold toward us when we try to be there for you in your bad moments, and at least for me... it hurts. I already feel like I'm not worth much to you because you're always so silent about the things that matter, but when you get outright cold, I don't understand why you're even talking to me. It feels like there's nothing you want from me, more like you just need someone to take it out on.

I can't tell you any of this, because it would just make your unpleasant situation about me. There's nothing I can do but stay out of your way and let you keep being cold. And I don't think that's healthy.

I love you. A lot.

I just don't know what you want me to do.

[iHolli]

{ I probably won't be able to tell you all this but-- I have to say it, somewhere.
{ I don't read back through conversation-- I always want to, but I worry that's weird, so I don't. but I did it this time and... wow, we've come a long way in a short time. I'm sorry I didn't talk much at first. things have been so hard, you probably already know I've been too scared to let people closer than arm's length, I didn't want to get attached to someone again. you managed to best me on that, anyway. and yet I'm okay with it. there's... so much about you that makes me okay with it. somehow I'm able to smile and tell myself, even though it's going to end someday, because it always does, it's nice to laugh so much right now. just hearing your voice brightens my day-- just seeing you say hello to me lifts my mood, who am I kidding. I'm way too attached, I know, but you're so comfortable and genuine, it's easier to accept the joy for now.
{ that's besides the point. still important, but not the point. I completely forgot a lot of what we did talk about in the beginning-- what little we talked, anyway. even then a little part of me was already trying to reach out though, I can see it. just a couple of rodent-adjacents, too afraid of being weird, wanting to make friends, worrying about being annoying. heh, we still are doing that, despite knowing we're comfortable with each other, right? it's a work in progress.
{ but seeing that-- the day you admitted you were lonely because all the friends left who used to talk to you during the hours we now spend on the phone in comfortable quiet, sometimes being silly, sometimes having discussions... that hit me like a train. I forgot all about that and seeing it now, I realize, maybe all the times I jokingly say out loud where you can't hear "it almost sounds like you actually want to talk to me" [affectionately]-- maybe it's not a joke, after all. I suppose that's too much to assume, and yet. those are our hours, now, I realize.
{ even though we're a whole world apart, maybe we really are good for each other. maybe it's not so one-sided as I worry some days. and yeah, I know you've got way more people you talk to besides me, especially now that you're one of the group-- and darling, every day that makes me happy, the subtle reminder that finally, this one time, I was right to trust someone so much-- but that realization that I actually do fill up some significance in your day? I know how that sounds when you're the first person I talk to every day and usually I'm the last person you talk to every day and we call several times a week on top of it and you're so completely comfortable with me but, you know how it is, and how I need tangible evidence for some things. it's-- well, I'm stunned about it, really. like-- I don't find myself being that important to anyone. suddenly I'm thinking, oh. what would happen if I weren't here to fill that space in your day? like, maybe I'm as important to you as you are to me, it turns out. I don't mean that in a bad way like it sounds, but you know I mean well. we connect so easily like that. you understand my meaning. you know I'm all bark, no bite, especially with you. and vice versa, of course.
{ it's a silly thing, but going back through the messages helps, after all. somehow there's even more you've said that hits harder than telling me you're glad you met me, that I make you feel safe, that you'd believe my voice telling you you'll be okay. yeah, that all lives rent-free in my head. I cry about it some nights, it means so much. you know I'm disgustingly soft beneath the facade, cher.
{ thank you. even if it's just for a little while, it's nice to matter to someone. regardless of my bad nights. whatever happens... I'll always be grateful you came along right when I needed a reason to keep getting up every day. ♡

[Kirari]

Dear S

If you saw me today you’d be proud of me, I wish I could tell you how well I did in my dressage competition (I mean I literally came first) but honestly I just wish I could tell you anything at all. I keep wanting to tell you every time something good happens to me or every time I get upset but I can’t tell you anything now, you’ll never know anything new about me and I’ll never know anything new about you and what hurts me is how I can’t add anything to my memory of you. I thought about you a few times today, I still dream about you as well but I can only remember how your voice sounded calling me “puppy” and I fear that some day I’ll forget your face considering I no longer have any access to the very few photos I had of you.
I don’t want to forget you, I saw a tiktok of someone saying about what song she wanted playing as she walked down the aisle at her wedding and it made me sad because I knew for so long what song I wanted for OUR wedding and it kills me we’ll never have that, I still can’t listen to that song since I lost you and it’s hard enough listening to the other songs that you sent me so I never play my music on shuffle because if one of those songs started without warning I think I’d cry. I’m trying not to cry now even if I had a great day, you’ll never know how my life turns out even though I planned to combine it with yours.
I would tell you all this if you were still around, I told you as much as I could when I knew our time was limited but it would never be enough even if we knew every moment of each other’s existence from womb to grave. I wanted to give everything and receive everything, I wanted to hold you so tight that neither of us could breathe but it would be fine because all we need to live is each other and please I hope that you know that even if things were difficult sometimes that I’ve loved you beyond the end of us and I will love you until after I die no matter how many other relationships I have or how good they are because even if they’re easier or objectively better I will still love you just as much as I do now.
I really hope that wherever you are that you’re doing as best as you can, I hope that if we’re right about what happens after you die that we can be together then.
I think tonight I might try to watch the last movie we watched together, I hope someday I can watch the second movie we ever watched again but the characters seem too much like us for me to handle it yet and it was tragic just like how our story was tragic. I honestly feel like romantic love makes me sad now, I’m at the point that I’m open to dating again but this time with different standards but I’m not going to seek anything out because I don’t really know if I can deal with someone else not instantly living up to you so maybe I should just think on it more.
I really wish you had sent me the box of presents you got me, it’s a bit silly but to have more stuff that came from you would have been really helpful but it’s ok I don’t blame you I’m not mad it just would have been a comfort



Edit

It’s 6 days later and I’ve found out you were worse than I thought you were, it was probably a miracle that I lost you when I did instead of when it was too late but it doesn’t stop me from hurting. I still love you even if you may not have loved me like you said you did, I don’t know if I would have been an exception or if what you did before was an exception but taking that risk would be stupid when I know what happens when you entertain bad men. I think you are right where you belong if what I read is true, I can accept what I knew about as I can’t judge my reflection but this was too far. Neither of us are pure, neither of us can judge much but some things I can’t get behind. I would have left you immediately upon finding this out had the decision not been made for me but I’m glad I was always somewhat safe. I feel sick that this is probably true, I feel sick that I loved you but most of all I feel sick that I let you ruin me, that I let you help me be worse.


Second edit, another 5 days later

I’m not mad anymore or upset at you, I understand you and I forgive everything you did. I love you and I still hope that you’re ok and that maybe some day I can find you again and we can at least talk even if a relationship is never in the cards again but I really hope that it can be. I’ve spent the entire day binge watching a show that I think you’d like, it’s extremely messed up and dark and if we could still talk I’d tell you about it, I’ll probably have some bizarre dreams tonight after watching it. I’ve missed you more than normal over the past week or so, it breaks me that I have to plan for a life without you in it so I try to distract myself with meaningless stuff and I wish I could just talk to you again, our last conversation was so short and I wish I did more for you when I had you especially in our last months when I was more distant and you deserved far better than what I gave you so I’m sorry for everything and I already apologised to you when we could still talk and I know you said it was fine but it’s not it never will be because we had limited time and I wasted it being awful to you and I’m so sad that we’ll never get to do anything that we planned on together like it’s just tragic

[.destiny]

to whom it may concern

part of me doesn't feel justified in having these feelings and the other part of me feels like it's being torn apart. i don't know what i'm feeling right now, whether it's anger and resentment or concern. maybe a mixture of the two? i don't really know right now. maybe that recent dream i had about you was my subconscious.
i've been feeling this way since april 20th, the day you vented about your situation. and what came of it left me feeling conflicted and upset in a way. it feels like we've gotten distant and it feels like you don't particularly care for what i say anymore. maybe i'm looking too much into it but, looking back, we used to talk constantly. used to do things and call often. i know i don't initiate anything, so i take the blame on that anyway, but everything feels very cold. it feels like there's an underlying tone of severe disinterest in our recent conversations. even when you say "i love you", it feels so disingenuous; like you're forced to say it.

i understand your decisions and actions and why you found comfort in that person in the way that you did. but it doesn't really feel like you want to get out of it. it feels like you're okay with it, and okay with pushing your friends aside to get what you want; focusing all your attention on some random person you just met. i guess it hurts in a way, but i feel like i'm being entitled for having these feelings. you're an adult after all and you can do whatever you want to do.

that conversation on that particular day left me with some thoughts. you were hurt by their distance because they're busy and so you thought of a solution; to go back to someone who hurt you with being distant too? i didn't really understand at the time. but then i asked you why it was easier to tell him he needed to be okay to be alone and not apply that to yourself and it made more sense. obviously it sounded like you were just covering yourself and making excuses; because you were. the cycle of leaving someone to find someone "better"; we're both familiar with that. you're exhibiting the same behaviors he did, almost like you're becoming what you hated. it's sort of terrifying to be a bystander to it all. do you even like this person? love them? or do you just love their attention? if so, wouldn't you also be acting entitled the same way you said that he feels "entitled to a relationship"?
i understand your trauma, but it feels as though you use it as a shield to avoid accountability for yourself. you lash out on your friends and use your mental health as a reason, you've lashed out on me and did the same. we all know what the problem is here, but you back down and say "i don't know what more i can be doing". but then also avoid telling your therapist all the details.

i can't really do anything about it, and it doesn't feel right of me to say any of this to you either. it feels like everything i've said to you has gone in one ear and out the other, and you're simply at a point in time where you don't care. i can't force you to care, either. you have the resources you need to get better, but you choose not to use them because, to me, it feels like you simply don't want to get better.
i don't really know what you want anymore. i'd like to think that i've tried, and that your friends tried too. but i can't make you want something, either.

maybe i'm overthinking it, maybe not. i wish you safety and happiness, i just wish you wanted that for yourself too. but if this is what you want then i hope it's worth it.

[Hyrule]

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are grey
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away

The other night dear as I lay sleeping
I dreamed I held you in my arms
When I awoke, dear, I was mistaken
So I hung my head and I cried

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are grey
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away

I'll always love you and miss you dearly
If you will only say the same
But if you leave me my loved mother
You'll forget it all someday

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are grey
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away
Please don't take my mother away

Happy mothers day, mom

[Hawk WillowWatcher]

I am not ok -H