TheComfortCorner | V.10

[APPL3_P13]

A little positive Vent!

My friends are so feckin supportive oh my god what did I do to deserve them???? They don’t deadname me, call me Jax, use He/Him, call me a gentleman/sir when I hold out the door or gate, like Oh My God. I love them sm bro. I just cantttttt. I’m going to try and tell my family (help).

A little less positive

I still don’t understand though, cause I don’t get dysphoria badly badly, and when I wear feminine clothes I think I look pretty, but I prefer more masculine leaning clothes??? Is there a thing for that??? Am I Trans??? It’s so confusing though and whenever I try to think, like really think about it my brain shuts down and I zone out. Ughhhh.

[LittleMaple]

i hate myself and everyone around me. paranoia is back to 100. i am alone. i. am. alone. somee voice inside me is whispering everyone is lying. i dont know what it is. i think its the paranoia. its all coming back. get out get out get out get out.

[APPL3_P13]

I can't even talk to my friends now because of the accident. It's just making me even more depressed and my handler/guardian is doing nothing to help it. They won't let me take my pills and I'm stuck with my thoughts. I can't voice my emotions either, I can only write everything down, and then I'm too much of a coward to show it. I feel like I'm going insane, I might be going to a mental hospital as well.
Everything is an act.

[sinensys]

just venting don't actually worry about me

you'll never guess who pulled another all nighter for literally no reason!!!!! i'll never tell; you wouldn't believe me anyways (i think, in truth, you already know)

my brain does not quit when it comes to things that don't matter, but absolutely LOCKS IN on stuff that doesn't. like,, there's no reason i got fixated on,, [checks smudged handwriting] reorganizing my writing and compiling little subcollections based on nothing but Vibes and Divine Intuition. i feel like there are more important things to foxate on that really require my IMMEDIATE ATTENTION. idek if it's the bipolar in me or not and that's so fun!!!!! nothing quite like doubting if you're behaving the way you are because it's you or if it's the sily chemicals in my brain forcing me to be thos way. i love it so much 😍😍😍

the heavier migraine pains are also back, but that's not new. past meds never really prevented them entirely, just dulled the pain. but guess what!!!!! health insurance is Different now, so i have to switch clinics and come off all my preventative meds. i do have abortive meds, but i can't use them every day. soonest appointment is april 28 yippie

i have so much to work on, from the capstone project to my resume (why is writing the summary block so hard for literally no reason??? epic funny brain moment) to an email template i can mass send to a bunch of local animal rescues to donate my endless supply of empty orange pill bottles (if they take it, it will be an EXTREMELY rare chronic illness w). i also have to start looking for jobs bc even though my area has a lot of semiconductor opportunities, i still have to Apply and that's. Scary. shouldn't be, but lots of things shouldn't be the way they are. but it's. it is what it is

and so instead of taking this spring break week off, genuinely resting, i have wallowed in the achong dread of a ceaseless ouroboros of a todo list. so no productivity but also no rest. epic

also my phone's battery started ballooning today!!!!! so. that's fun. ik it's been 4 years, but that feels,, so short?? it started having problems june of '24, but i turned a blind eye to it since, at the time, it was my grandma's and i thought it was just being fickle with her wallet/clutch/lanyard type of phone case. i swapped phones with her then and it seemed,, fine??? and ik planned obsolescence stocks are so up, but it makes me sad. i wish i could just,, open it and Fix It. some electrical engineer i make lmao

my long-term solution to these problems is to simply gamble on my ability to weasel out of stuff. 99% of gamblers QUIT before they WIN BIG (i'm delusional)

surely. there will be no consequences to doubting the imminence of Foreseeable Occurrences. surely not, not for me

i love when . yeah 🥰🥰🥰


edit 1
ah, gender, beloved foe of mine <3

it was a lot easier when i was actually transmasc and had a clear vision in mind. i had an impulsive pixie cut in december and i'm so torn with where i want to take it next. on one hand, this fluffy pixie of mine rn feels nice --- but it makes me worry i look too masc now that i remain cisfem but don't like to go all out in the femme direction. like i've already made my peace with dresses feeling Wrong despite the visual appeal to them (i wish they didn't feel wrong when i think about putting them on, but it is what it is). but i still want to be mildly more femme. pink prescription lenses help with how i look now (the transmasc me from 6 years ago would've had a roughhh time with that lmao), but i'm still caught in the weirdly narrow "i want to be pretty but not Too Pretty and it can't take more than 5 minutes to achieve what i'm looking for" bandwidth. growing it out is an easy solution, but i also kinda like it short?? superimposed hair lengths when, cmon science smh smh

she/her is def the way to go, but somehow i still feel mild gender envy towards guys without wanting to be truly masculine?? epic

man,, this stuff used to be easier to sort out lmao
oh whale

edit 2
bro cmon.......
are we lesbian with gender envy or bi and just attracted to men?
make up your mind

[nobxdy]

re: my post on the current mood board // moved to here instead :3

i was happy earlier 'cause i got great news, an amazing opportunity i've been waiting on for weeks now that i finally got (with a bonus that i wasn't expecting!), and is a major achievement and im really proud of myself. only for my coworker to immediately disrespect me as soon as i came in, literally only about 30 minutes into my shift after a meeting, so now im talking with upper management about how we can fix this situation. this guy has only been here for a few years, and he thinks he's the boss when im literally his superior and i've about had it. all because of my age these guys treat me like a child or think they can just do whatever they want, thinking im not going to do anything about it. it's just ridiculous. and i was having a really good day too.

so sort of an update, upper management tried talking to him about this situation and he blew up on them so now he's being moved to a different building/the other side of the building away from me. I literally did not want him to move, i just wanted him to treat me with respect 'cause he's a good guy when he's not acting like this and he's a major help with managing everything, but like really?? he couldn't even consider that maybe the way he's acting isn't okay and just apologize?? so now i don't really know how things are gonna go over here. i just don't understand why it has to be so difficult all the time with everything and im so tired of it. this job is genuinely not worth the stress and crap that i put up with every day.

[^_<]

do you still want me the same as you did before?

i know i've been difficult and i know i'm emotional, sensitive, hypocritical, and overwhelming to deal with. and i appreciate that you stuck with me through it all and by my side.

but my doubts and overthinking always get to me.. no matter what point it was in our "relationship", i always felt insecure and unsure. i guess that's just who i am. and i wish i wasn't like that. i'm trying to change, i really am. i have improved for a while and i'm sure you noticed. but if i'm this mentally unstable, then of course i wouldn't be ready for you, not yet. though i really wish i was. you are the only person who has seen me at one of my worsts, and i hold you dear to my heart, you are so special to me;;

i really do care for you, and i like you a lot. i'm sorry for any hurt or pain i may have caused you. i know i've apologized so many times but i truly mean it.

my friends, my sister, they hate you and hate the way that they have to see me because of this
but it's my mindset and my self sabotage that causes most of our problems

because no matter what you say or do
i just can't believe you would like someone like me anyway

my stubborn mind makes me believe that despite what everyone else says
"he likes you" "its so obvious"

but even if you did, how would you still like me the same after seeing who i am?

[67Phlox]

Holy emotional rollercoaster.
There are times where emotions come out of left field (barely prompted by anything) and then days where I feel numb for like 4 hours.

[ravemn]

I feel like a horrible partner

[midousuji]

my wedding is in 8 days. i haven't been stressing through the whole process of planning, honestly, since it's more of an anime rave at a club than a super formal black tie event, but every now and then i start worrying that something could go awry. am i for sure gonna have enough food for everyone? what if people get lost trying to find our venue, since it's a club on the second story of this giant mall thing downtown? i also haven't finished bedazzling my veil and gloves LOL i'm really coming down to the wire, but i'm sure i'll get them done! everyone says they wouldn't wish wedding planning on their worst enemy, but the whole process has been less awful than i thought it would be.

i feel like i'm somehow not doing the whole bride thing right, though, cause i'm not trying to micromanage or have everything perfect. everyone keeps saying "its your special day" but really, every day i spend with my wife-to-be is my special day. i can't find it in myself to nitpick things or try to make everything perfect because i know random things will go wrong and i have no control over them, i just want to make sure everyone has a good time and has something to eat. and can dance to a song that they like. everyone acts like i'm being too nonchalant or casual about my wedding. like i should be MORE stressed or something. it gives off the idea that i don't really care about getting married. but it's not that, i'm honestly more excited for it than anything else in my entire life. i just really see no point in worrying over things that are out of my hands.

i told everyone i want raising cane's texas toast at my wedding and they're acting like im an alien LOL i'm sorry i don't want fancy formal dinner of boring mid chicken and veggies.........

[paperfoldingrabbit]

Having a hard time right now. Been having a hard time for......I don't even know, a while. Because of that I haven't found a great deal of joy of being on here lately. I have been working on improving things by furthering my education but everything just feels incredible heavy. I am so scared, I don't know how long it's going to take me to get to a point where I'm happy, safe and financially comfortable. There are so many things in my house that need to be fixed and I can't hardly deal with any of them and things are just going to get worse and worse until I can make a decent income. But I won't be able to do that for a while. I just don't know if I can fix everything that's broken, both figuratively and literally.

On the bright side, my Spanish is getting a lot better. So there's that, at least.