by ♥ mizu » Mon Oct 11, 2021 1:41 pm
i'm sorry that i said those mean things to you all those years ago. it should have never happened, and i still think about it to this day. i am so, so sorry. i hope that you have found your own sense of self and that we may be able to meet again one day, so that i can tell you just how sorry i am in person. i've become better now, i promise.
i'm sorry that i have awful foot-eye coordination. i always say that i need to work on it, and yet i never get it done.
i'm sorry that i suck at most sports. basketball, soccer, baseball? pfft, these are the most popular sports and yet i have little skill in any of them.
i'm sorry that i'm probably not doing what you want with my time. i've tried working out when i can, i've tried pursuing new hobbies. i've spent hour of my time cleaning up our house. and the only thing that you say i do is "sit on my computer all day". how is that any different from the countless hour that you spend watching TV?
i'm so sorry that you can't get out of your old-fashioned, stubborn habits. men can be emotional, and men can cry. i never told you that you had to cry, that's just not part of your personality. but it may be for other men, and they should not be shamed for that.
i'm sorry that i always say that i'll work on the game. i always say, "yeah! i'm building it <3" but in reality i have no motivation nor will to get myself to stare at a screen, building 3d models all day. i used to love doing it, and i still have the skills to do it. i just don't feel like it, and i feel so miserable about it.
i'm sorry that i don't visit you that often. i need to stop making excuses for my absence, because "my parents are too busy and can't drive me" doesn't cut it. you're a living animal, and an amazing one at that. you were literally my dream. and yet, just because i moved barns i stopped coming out to see you. i stopped riding. it's making me cry to write this - i love you. i feel so self-conscious about going to new places; what if i'm making a mistake? what if i look foolish? it's terrifying to me. but it's shameful to not care for you properly. i should be begging my parents to take me. but i don't. and that's the issue - i feel absolutely disgusting to say that i haven't seen you in weeks, nonetheless ridden in months. a family friend told me there's a difference between loving horses and loving riding them, and now i understand. i still enjoy the sport, i've just never been interested in competing. i love you so, so much harley, i just hope that you know that. i am so, so, so incredibly sorry.