dear x,
it's not fair.
itsnotfairitsnotfairitsnotfairitsnotfair.
You think you can apologize and, just like magic, my symptoms won't apply to you anymore. You expect it, almost. How entitled can you be? How can you be so pompous and expectant? Is it because I always loved you more than you loved me, and I forgave you so many times I shouldn't have? Or is it because you have this grandiose sense of self, where you genuinely believe because you're self-aware, that you're better than everybody else?
I think about what you said to me when we broke up every day. And because all of my trauma happened when I was little, when I was still developing, I shut down. I cannot trust you. I cannot let you back into my life. No matter how much I'd like to (/almost sarcasm), my brain... can't allow it.
So we Skype and I have so much I could share, but I physically can't. My mouth was stitched tightly shut and it HURT. My God, it hurt; I part my lips but the tension between the treads made it feel like they'd rip right through the tissue if I tried.
You know why, though?
I've never seen you sob like that before. Before you moved, after you left me, in your car in the parking lot... All 4 years, I've seen you cry a handful of times. You explained yourself, and unfortunately, it made sense to me. I accepted your apology and here we are again. I'm here, being distant, while you continue on like nothing has ever happened.
It's just not fair that you always get what you want.
