TheComfortCorner | V.8

[sillies]

ugh nevermind it's too much to explain

[fiirstcrush]

im so unbearably lonely but anytime someone tries to talk to me i instantly shove them aside for fear of being rejected so thats great :]

[food ☕️]

Ahhh summer. The time in which I'm allowed to just sit alone and think, which for me means that all my raging thoughts overcome me and I'm tossed into a whirling tempest of self-doubt and emotional instability. Yay!

I'm really hoping this is going to be my last post on this thread, well, at least in the manner where I'm the one asking for comfort. I do hope to continue helping others, but I'd rather stop flooding the thread with my own pointless rants and problems that take up others precious time and just end up being a waste of space. There are other people that deserve the advice and attention way more than me. I hate the fact that I can't talk freely about my problems without feeling as though I'm a burden to all those around me, throwing myself a big ol' selfish pity party and feeling sorry for myself, but alas, here we are. Considering that I do hope this is my final final time despairing about whatever the heck is composed of this messy post, this one is probably going to be inherently long covering just about everything that's been haunting my mind for the time being. Please, don't bother reading it all. I really just need to find my voice sometimes. I'll make sure to keep the font extremely small as to not overload the page with my hopeless squabble. Anyways, let's get on to it then, I suppose.

Food, failing to make or keep friendships for nearly two decades.

I cannot make friends to save my life. The joys of being cripplingly shy. Actually, that's not completely true. I've made a few friends here and there. Surely anyone who says they have no friends undoubtedly has made a few acquaintances that in casual conversation would label as such: a "friend". Those adequate enough to take on the heavy-weight title of "best friend," however, are quite particular. In my years, I think I can safely say that I've called roughly five people my best friends, with the intention of remaining so for years to come. And while that's all well and good, my intention is typically not followed through. I have a very difficult time keeping those friends; personally finding it even harder than the catching of them, which is still troublesome as I'll get out. For one of them, they moved away. We try to keep in touch, but distance tends to be quite the killer of relationships. Two of them together turned out to be extremely toxic and made me feel like absolutely garbage, left to be discarded on the side of the road and completely ignored for nine years straight. Couldn't really get away from them either when there's only twenty kids on your grade. Another one of them didn't really know how to handle my mood swings and noticed our differences were far greater than any of our similarities and thus moved to find herself a better friend, someone more interesting for sure. That leaves us with the fifth and current best friend. Things are still holding so far, at least to her knowing, but of course I'm bound to ruin it. She's a total extrovert that can get anyone to fall head over heels for her and has befriended the entire school. Everyone loves her, and I just get pushed to the side. I know she doesn't realize she does it, she just wants to have fun, but it still hurts at times. She might be my favorite person, but I know I'm not hers. Over this summer, we've hung out twice. I mean, that is nice that we've at least hung out twice, most summers I never even leave the house once, but it's all because I've asked her or because it's at her convenience. I know that she hangs out with her other friends ever day, drives them around town, and never thinks to invite me along. The fair is coming around and I thought we'd planned to hang out a while back, but when I asked her about what she was doing for fair, she told me she's going with T, J, and N. "Oh, that's cool. I hope you guys have fun," is all I could say. Out of sight, out of mind, huh.

I don't really blame her. She's an optimist, and while I try to be the dreamer deep inside as often as possible, sometimes that pessimistic side creeps through and brings the whole vibe down. She has so many people asking to hang out with her, she's gotta balance her time. I get it. It just still sucks. I can't even seem to keep online friends. They too inevitably drift away, our real lives taking over. I just feel as though I missed a huge part of my youth hiding in the shadows, being the forgotten kid in the back of the class, keeping my mouth shut and looking on at all the other happy children. So, I've just been making up fictional characters in my head in which we head off on amazing adventures together. I can be happy simply living through the visions in my head. At least in those fictitious worlds I know exactly what to say without having to worry about a stutter or fumbling over words to make coherent sentences. At least in my mind I can control every outcome possible, I can have as many friends that I want, I can be whoever I want. You can cure loneliness that way, right?

The other day my dad asked me why I always look so sad, why I never smile. My mom asked me if I'm depressed. I told her no, but what if I am? I don't know what it feels like to be depressed. Or maybe I have and I just never realized it? I've always felt the way I do, I've always had this low self-esteem and perpetually straight face. I don't know if that's anything beyond being my lonely and self-pitiful self, I really just don't know. And I think I'd be scared to find out. Last year I did consider whether I was depressed heavily. I told my parents about it and they just shrugged it off, which I find it weird that they're now reaching out to me after I've made peace with this phenomena. Last summer I lost my mind. I couldn't find any sort of motivation to do any of the things that I love. I'm still struggling with that aspect a bit, but it's a little better now. I was constantly beating myself up for not being able to straighten my life out. It bled into the school year and really hindered my ability to do school work. I slept all the time and never found the energy to do anything. After finally making a friend for the first time, the feelings died down a tad. I've been free of these emotions for a little less that six months. I mean, again, motivation remains a battle in my mind, but that might really just the fact that I'm terribly lazy. At least I wasn't feeling just completely and utterly... lost. But now that summer's back, I can feel myself slipping all over again. It's not as extreme, thank goodness, but still, something's not right. I'm trying to sort it out, but man it's hard sometimes. I know I want to make my life on this Earth worth something, I want to publish a novel and be successful, but I'm finding it quite complicated when all I want to do is let the music in my headphones drag me to my fantasy worlds with my fantasy friends on my fantasy adventures. I still don't know what I'm going to do with my life, so many huge decisions are coming my way this year, and I'm worried I'm not prepared to take them on. I'm a freaking mess.

I'm also worried that I'll never be good enough. I've already made it clear that I'm nobody's favorite person. My birthday was two months ago, and the only people to tell my "Happy Birthday" were my parents and my brother. I know it's a small and pointless thing, but I don't know. It was just another thing to remind me of how few people really care about me. Nobody really acknowledges that I'm here, enough to just tell me two words. Aww great, now I'm crying. Like, we went out to dinner with my grandparents, and the entire time we were there I never got to say a single word because all they cared about was smiling at my baby cousins. Oh great, now I'm jealous of little two years olds, what next? All that I wanted was for someone to that know I am here, I do feel and think like the rest of you, even though I might be a little bit quiet. I wanted someone to care that I even exist. I didn't want presents, I just wanted someone to care! Yeah, I do appreciate my parents and my brother. I do know that they care, but when I say that, I kinda mean someone other than the people required to like me because we're related, haha. In sports, in school, I'm never good enough. I mess up everything. I can't get it right, no matter how hard I try, someone's gonna yell at me because I did it wrong.

My mind feels kinda hazy. I wish I could fix it, but my fingers are clumsy and I know I'll mess it up somehow. I just really want someone to keep me from spiraling into the madness, to hear my pleas for help rather than tell me it's just a phase. Haha, that seems to be a recurring theme in my life, even when my problems are really big, people pretend like it's nothing. Why speak up when I know nobody's gonna hear me anyways?

I know I have a good life. I have a nice family and a nice financial stability and a nice home. I shouldn't be like this. I should just get myself together and stop slacking off. I know I'm being melodramatic and making things bigger than they need to be. I can't keep friends because I'm difficult to be around, I know this, I shouldn't be trying to act like the victim. I'm so selfish ARRRGGGHHH! It's frustrating, to say the least, this turmoil in my head. I don't even know what to think or feel at this point. I feel bad but I also feel sad and want the attention but know I don't deserve it. I'm so so sorry for taking up your time. There are other people who are always going to be in more need than me. I really thank you if you read all of this, if anyone did. It means a lot to me that anyone took the time to hear my out. I know I'm selfish and complaining and asking for too much, but I just need to let it out sometimes. I'll try to keep my problems to myself here on out though, haha.

[appi]

one day we will have to part. 1 day we will have to break up. that's not a question, not an exaggeration, is it? it's a fact. we will have to one day..... and honestly i'm really scared. the thought of not being with you or having to break up with you, it makes me SHOOKT. literally. not 2 be funny but my soul feels shookt thinking about that. ik i should say whatever makes you happy, or........ whatever we have to do. but .. damn . thinking about it... just nah... it shakes me. if u reading this........... i'm scared

[Feenie]

I don’t have a really long story to share but it’s definitely one that has scarred me for the past few weeks. My Grandma had a rare hip break from what I’ve heard. Being family, my mother takes the responsibility with some of my family members, including me to help my grandma with day to day tasks. While my mother was helping put, she broke her foot. My uncle also blew himself up on 4th of July whilst blowing up a speaker like last year but with a dog house. He broke his right arm and blew open his leg. My family is healing nicely now. During this time, my grandpa has Alzheimer’s. Alzheimer’s is a disease that effects the memory. It progressively gets worse as time goes on. My grandpa now eats unnaturally. For example, he eats pizza with a fork (not that it’s bad). Two nights ago, he woke me up from bed as he was opening and closing different doors. I heard the noise and knew immediately it was him. I sat and waited for what he would do next. I heard that he opened my parents door. In the morning, I asked my parents if they heard anything weird last night. They told me that my grandpa had went into their room and slept there for the rest of the night. Last night, he had turned all of the lights he possibly could on, and sat on the couch doing nothing. This night, (its currently 3:46 am so it happened like 30 minutes ago) I woke up to doors being opened and closed once again. He kept rushing back and forth in the hallway like something urgent happened. All I have to say is that it’s getting worse very fast. I just pray that he goes fast so he doesn’t have to live his life with no clue what happening.

[bug;‌‌‌‏‏‏‏‏]

does anyone have a link to an online version of the suicide hotline? ive seen one before and ive also completely lost it.

please pm me the link if you do, thank you ♥
(i am not willing to discuss anything against cs rules)

[dxrmon]

i dont want to live my life in fear. i dont want to have to turn around my back to see if anything is there every second..i cant write about it much or i hear things..last time i heard the word 'stop' when i was writing about my feelings..my computers about to die and im not going to go down that dark hallway for my charger..oh boy im screwed.

[cornspurrd.]

me and my dumb issues lmao.

I need somebody to talk to, otherwise I go into this pit of thoughts and feelings and it eats me alive, But nobody's up this early oof.

Guess its a good thing my sisters in here, I can atleast talk to her and I won't do anything in front of her,, :,)

I'll just suck myself into this music and pet my cat lmao.

[sillies]

if you have an issue with me you come to me privately. it's no one else's business but between you and me. that was a real rude move to say it publicly. i dont know if you were trying to publicly shame me in that discord server or what but it's a private matter. DM's exist for a reason. And maybe next time don't act so entitled. Don't expect me to know what your problem is with me either. You acted like I was supposed to know. News flash: I'm not a mind reader!


// end rant

[~ moth ~]

so a few days ago i applied for my first ever job at a movie theater. ever since then i've been dreading a callback. me having horrible social anxiety just hates the idea of a )) phone calls b )) talking on the phone c )) talking to strangers and d )) working. and now a phone number i didn't recognize just called me. i didn't answer cuz i was too scared to. there was no voicemail left behind nor does the number match the two local movie theaters so i'm not sure what to do. i'm just freaking out! i hate adulting >-< and my mom isn't home to help me with my dilemma