by leverage » Mon Feb 06, 2017 3:06 pm
Does anyone else just get immensely sad over nothing?
Maybe because I'm alone on a night that, for some silly reason, is a big night. I can hear the whole dorm cheering, but when I went to the social space to try and be social, it was too crowded for me. Crowds make me nervous, and I didn't want to be there anyways. I spent the evening alone; but I always spend the evenings alone. No one cares about me. I'm sure not a single person noticed I wasn't there. They don't see the tears I cry, nor do they hear my silent screams. They say hello in the halls, as if that makes them good people, and go on with their day; they might think about how awesome they are for being friendly to the hermit who always is alone and limps everywhere, but that hurts more than simply doing nothing, because they do nothing else. To them, I am nothing more than some insignificant shadow, in the background but never really there; hurt, but not in a way they feel they should help with.
I've taken up writing song lyrics on my arm. I don't know why this is therapeutic for me, but it really helps somehow.
And on top of it all, I'm just tired. Tired of life. Tired of feeling like my whole life is a lie; tired of the fake smiles and pretending that I've had a single good day since getting back to campus. I try to avoid talking to family outside of my parents and my aunt; it's a task when someone else calls. I love them dearly, and I feel horrible for not talking to them more, but it hurts so much to keep up the act. It hurts to talk to them and pretend everything is great when all I want to do is scream, I had to call my grandparents today because it's my grandpa's birthday, and I cannot tell you how difficult it was. Since when was it difficult to talk to my own family? I used to talk to my grandma for hours straight, now I hardly even call them once a month. It makes me sick, but calling them is just so hard.
I keep listening to a few songs on repeat, and I hate how much I connect to the lyrics. Music is therapeutic for me, being a musician myself, music has kept my alive and mostly sane for years now. It's my lifeline, the only thing keeping me grounded. But when I feel so much like the lyrics of a song that is beyond normal sadness, beyond anything okay, what can you do to redeem yourself? You can call yourself strong for fighting on, but at what point do I just give up, and stop the act? How can I reach out now?
I tried talking to my mother about it last week, and she ended up screaming at me on skype. I didn't talk to anyone for days.
I miss feeling alive. I miss having things to look forward to, or friends to reach out to. I miss the days when I wasn't constantly haunted by my own anxiety, when my mind didn't always try to bring me back to my worst memories, my most terrifying moments, leaving me an empty shell. I miss when my knee didn't constantly feel as though I am dragging a dead weight around, when walking and running were easier. I miss the warmer weather, when my asthma didn't act up so badly. I miss the time when I felt comfortable in my own skin. I miss the days that I was close to my own family.
I miss happiness. I miss contentment.
I am nothing more than a hollow shell of what once was. Cracked, broken.
Worthless.
Empty.
Alone.
