deku! wrote:ok, this is super embarrassing because i literally should know how to do this already, given that i have been in several relationships... but i'm totally at a loss for what to do here, so i figured i'd seek out a bit of advice!
there's this girl i like a whole bunch, and i have a fair amount of certainty that she likes me too? apparently we've been flirting, which... i kind of only sooooorta knew was flirting, but apparently all our friends can tell that's what it was and i'm just... kind of incompetent. the trouble here is that i feel like my own insecurities would be a detriment to any relationship we might have, and i don't know what to do with that. we've known each other for several months, which is about as long as i knew my last girlfriend of three years before we started dating, so i feel like we have a solid basis of friendship here already. the trouble is that my last relationship ended somewhat recently, and it left me with a lot of insecurities about myself, my personality, my appearance, my sexuality... and i don't want to overwhelm any potential new partners with these fears and anxieties.
so, what i'm getting at here is this: if i do ask her out, and assuming she does say yes, should i express that i do have these insecurities before we get too far into the relationship? or should i see how our relationship fares as a romantic one before mentioning that, 'hey, i'm ACTUALLY terrified that if you look at me too closely you'll want to break up!!' i don't know what the safest option here is, and i'd really like a few more opinions than just my friends saying 'DO IT' because they want me to be happy, LMAO. thanks in advance for any advice i might get!!
If someone just told me they liked me and wanted to try dating, then followed it up with "but I'm just getting out of a relationship that left me really insecure and anxious about myself and I've got a lot of fears about this relationship" I'd feel like they were not really ready to be in a relationship again and were trying to scare me off instead of being honest to themselves about how they felt and just telling me no, they need time. I'd definitely worry I was just a rebound.
Like, no, you shouldn't just completely hide your feelings, but do keep in mind that neither your partner nor your friends are your therapist. It's reasonable to vent to these people, it's reasonable to need support from them, it's reasonable to be vulnerable with them, but they aren't just there to work through your issues for you. It's okay to ask for validation and need to hear from a partner that they like you for who you are, but you can't be hanging on them the entire time expecting them to always be validating you without both returning the support and working on your insecurities so that you can stand on your own sometimes.
Basically what I'm getting at is... do you feel ready for a new relationship? I think it's great you're very aware of your feelings right now (and terribly sorry that you've been left feeling this way), and of course you don't have to be in perfect mental health to be in a relationship, but I would ask yourself if
you're ready to be in a new relationship yet. If you are, great! Go for it. Take it slow. Treat this girl with respect. If not, that's fine! Take the time you need.
Either way, good luck. =)
