sky captain wrote:today is today x wrote:every day i go to my mirror and look at myself
i'm not perfect. i'm not beautiful. that's what they say, anyway.
i remember when i was happy, when i was free to be who i wanted. the real me, not the hungry me, not the sore me, not the tired me. i'm constantly forgetting who i am, and it feels like everything around me is just... wrong. my dreams are only beliefs; they'll never happen. it'd be a miracle but it isn't gonna happen.
i always ask myself if i look perfect but it's always the same answer... even if i try to tell myself i'm worth it, i don't seem to listen. i appear to always ignore myself. i forgot what i have to do to become popular, to become pretty, to become like all the other girls. the more i try to stand up for myself, the less it works. i always think i have the power to be confident but i always get beaten. i'll never win. i never have.
every single word i use to describe myself is negative. every single one. fat, ugly, useless, annoying, horrible, loner. much more. you name it, i'll either be it or won't be it. there is no in between. not in my world.
sometimes it's hard to believe in myself. all the time actually. i never believe in myself and that's the problem. but i can't not not believe in myself when all everyone does is put me down. i'm too weak.
i'm never left alone. can they just go away? can they not see how much they're hurting me? i've had to see a therapist but that didn't work either. all the long, real talks we have, they make me stressed...
please help. i don't know how to stop myself..
First off, you should not be so concerned with your looks. They do not matter. They are not a measure of your worth. In fact, not others nor yourself can measure your worth, no matter what you or others say. The quote that beauty comes from within may sound cliche, but it is cliche because it is true. If you were judged as beautiful by the standards of those people, what would it matter if you were cruel like them? Those who condescend you for your looks-- do they look beautiful to you? If so, you are wearing the wrong pair of eyes. Others who know of their behavior will also see them for what they are. Love doesn't last and can't be true when someone's looks are the source of admiration, as something nasty boils underneath. These people who put you down may not be blind to your true beauty. They may be insecure themselves and take it out on those that they deem vulnerable.
Your beauty lies in who you are as a person. Who you are is not your appearance nor your emotions; it is your hopes and dreams, what you love and hate, what you enjoy doing, and similar such things.
You say that you have dreams and that they'll never happen. When we speak such strong words, it often becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you firmly believe you cannot, you are less likely to put in your full effort because what's the point, anyway, if you'll only fail? Tell yourself you can. You don't have to believe it-- you can't force yourself to believe anything. Tell yourself you can anyway. Say you want it badly and you therefore will achieve it. Like I said, you don't have to believe it, but repeat it and/or think it to yourself whenever you begin to doubt.
You mentioned becoming popular. I don't know what level of schooling you are in, but trust me, do not worry about something so ephemeral and meaningless. It literally means nothing, so don't stress about pursuing it. You are in school to learn so that you may succeed in life, not so that you may climb a social ladder that will dissolve once you move on to the next level of schooling. Being "popular" may seem nice, but it's full of fake friends, real enemies, drama, distractions, and superficial elements. It's too much negative for the nothing it's worth.
It sounds like you are surrounded by cruel people. If you are being assigned places/assignments with them, speak with the teachers about your problem. If you are around them anyway, try to stay away from them and still notify the teachers. If they seek you out so you cannot stay away from them, notify the teachers. See the pattern? Schools have rules against bullying and harassment. Review your student handbook or school website. That behavior cannot be tolerated.
You are beautiful, loved, capable, and destined for great things. Not what you say, nor what others say, can change that fact.
thank you ♥
i just have a hard time believing myself because of past issues, you know?
