TheComfortCorner | V.10

[Discontinued]

I know I need a break, I need to step back and let other people do things for or instead of me, but I have such a hard time letting that go? Like, it's not a control thing, but it is? Am I doing extra things because I want to or because I think I need to in order to be likable? Maybe a mix of both?
idk,, but it's getting really tiring and I'm struggling big time. My anxiety, PTSD, chronic illnesses... they're all hitting harder than a semi lately. I just don't want to burden anyone... I feel so weird, boring and useless.

[viles]

• yesterday was So Bad:tm: i'm just,, idk. i went in completely unprepared,, they kept asking me 'do you have questions' and i was like 'no' but i should have been asking stuff,, i just,, idk. i didn't think to ask like,, the questions that i have in that moment,, but it's like,, the center is so far away,, so i basically wasted my one appointment that i get. i just,, idk. the center was so much bigger than i was expecting, and there were so many people there,, i was like,, on the brink of an anxiety attack just pulling into the parking garage,, and idk. i should have asked my mom to come back with me but i was just worried because they were like,, yk,, measuring my chest and it would have made me uncomfortable to have her in the room for that,, but i'm just,, idk. i should have just toughed the discomfort out so like,, i could have had someone with me to like,, be prepared to talk and ask stuff. like,, they were supposed to show me pictures of other people's results and they didn't and i got overwhelmed so i didn't ask,, and i didn't ask if they were going to use like,, liposuction (which is important bc like,, from what i've seen from other people's results online,, they won't be able to remove as much tissue if they don't use that),, and it's like,, idk. they originally tried to show me the results in a video call but my connection was Very Spotty, so that appointment had to be moved to a phone call and i'm just,, i'm worried that my chest won't look the way i want and like,, they won't remove the tissue on the side of my chest ykyk,, the only result posted online i can see is like,, from someone who is thinner than i am,, so i'm not sure if like,, my weight will affect my results,, and like,, if there's just like,, a different outcome to be expected for plus-sized people when it comes to top surgery. idk. i know i want this surgery, but i'm just worried that i shouldn't use this surgeon,, he seems like,, knowledgeable about the procedure,, and like,, has had many patients,, i felt safe up until like,, after the appointment yesterday when i realized that like,, i should have had questions,, i just idk. i definitely should've written stuff down or like, idk. ig i just wasn't expecting for them to not realize i hadn't been shown the pictures yet,, bc like,, idk the nurse i spoke to at the first apppointment was just like, idk very reassuring ig,, but he wasn't there for the in-person appointment, so like,, maybe that was part of it,, i just idk. i feel so,, Bad:tm:,, and idk what to do now,, bc if my internet connection is spotty like,, i don't think they'll be able to show me those pictures over video chat,, but going in-person is just,, such a big deal since the clinic is far away. i don't want to have to go back unless it's for the surgery,, i'm just,, i really hate myself and my brain,, i feel awful.
  
  just wanted to get that out quickly before i have to talk to a therapist today. we're just, like,, idk. going over my history of gender dysphoria, so they can write a letter for my insurance. i don't know if they'll want to talk about my failings to be a normal person with a functional brain, but i'm guessing probably not sjfhsdf

[67Phlox]

Okay, I'm not going to be able to finish this assigment on time. Lower grade, but better mental health? Who am I kidding, I'm such a dummy for being so lazy. And not taking my meds two weeks prior (which are also helping with keeping the little motivation in life that i have) pft

I also may be slowly losing my midn, but it's fine. totally. In fact, so fine.

Tangents!!
Well, not fine, actually. It's irresponsible. The fact I'm still here, trying to get frE33e therapy, even though I arleady have appointments. And, honselty, no one likes listening to rants. Making assumptions, sure, but that's how I stay "normal" most of the time and not bother people in real life.

Still trying to believe I'm a good person, trying to act like a good person, but things are just not looking up for me at this time. I may not be breaking laws nor doing anything inherently terrible, but does it suck to live & be the way I am now!

And don't get me started on my survival-mode consisting of seeking entertainment above all else + caring only for myself. Makes my throat tighten thinking how ungrateful I act and be able to only aknowledge it after the fact. horrible, terriblee, awful being that I have to stare at everytime i look in a mirror. the face i see is not mine, i'd like to give it to sb who actually deserves it more than i do. thannnsksss

just lock me up arleady, im losing it

[kotak]

I can’t handle feeling enslaved in my body anymore

My voice my physical characteristics
they’re not me they’re just obstacles

When I’m not distant or disconnected or distracted every second of awareness hurts, I’m so jealous of people with no evident gender markers and it breaks my heart

I’m so disgusted with myself on multiple levels I can’t even comprehend it, so much so that I feel mostly pity and disappointment towards myself. nothing positive to say. I can’t stand to look at myself for too long

How can I fix this? It feels like I’ve been in a slumber for the past few years (I had to face more dire stressors I guess) but it’s all coming back. It feels like I can’t breathe. every word is a performance because my voice doesn’t sound right
How will I ever fix this? I feel so hopeless there must be something so wrong with me. so so wrong. I cant imagine fixing this. Im struggling to imagine this ever getting better. I dont know what to do I just want relief

[Neeko nordestina]

I know this sounds stupid, but I had to vent. I need to change my glasses because the old ones are pretty old and kind of giving up on me, the issue is that my current ones are out of stock and I don't handle changes well at all. The fact that i'll need to get used to new glasses stress me out so much. I'm trying to find ones with the same specifications, but everything is a bit off. Sometimes it's the texture, sometimes the weight, maybe the shape is a bit off, the legs sit oddly on my ears, the color doesn't match or the nose bridge part is weird. I just wish they would restock the exact same ones, but the store already told me those were discontinued and it's unlikely they'll come back.
I just wish I could wear the exact same things every day forever for the rest of my life

[♥ mizu]

Oh my god. Why now?? My computer is broken again. The screen won't turn on and the wifi driver broke again. It's the last 3 weeks of school, I don't have time for this. I was making progress on my owed work and feeling proud and now this. And to tip it all off something really bad happened at my house. I don't want to talk about that but I'm just so bummed. I just want to be a normal kid. I just want normal, loving parents. Not ones I have to parent myself. I've never had a normal day in my life. I'm controlled by them and their traditional mindsets. I hate my life sometimes. I'm trying so hard to romanticize it. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I just want to be happy and I hate how difficult that is. I want my sister here with me. I wish she were here. She understands. I can't tell my friends because I am too ashamed. I watched Mulan today and cried when her dad hugged her at the start of the movie. Why can't I have that. I can't even enjoy cs as much because I'm stuck on mobile. Talking to my friends on here is more difficult and responding to trades is tedious too. I'm trying to give myself little comforts like hugging my stuffies and things but it's not working very well. I know I can get through this but I don't know if I can do my work. These final assignments are worth 30% of my grade, I can't not do them. I am so so so sad right now I can't stop crying I hate this I just want comfort bro :(

(I understand exactly how you feel I my Pc also broke I fell into a deep depression and your parents probably say we want whats best for you and tell you all that junk and it doesn't help heck my dad abused me either way you should call your sister as for everything else breathe take a breath of air and although CS is hard on mobile Know I am here for you and any other problems as for the school work and your computer try taking it to a tech if you can... I know a friend who could fix it but I'd have to ask him!)

than you for the response, i actually read it this morning on my phone and thought about it a lot today :) forgive me if my tone sounds off, i'm on my grandpa's laptop and the keyboard is all too different lol

im sorry you're going through it too. it sounds sooo pathetic but losing my laptop with all of my memories and things really sent me off into the deep end haha. been really struggling and things just keep going wrong. ive been messaging my sister a lot today which has helped. she's a very blunt person tho lol so i appreciate your kindness :) my computer honestly isn't worth saving at this point, which sucks to say cause i love her and we've been through everything together lol. but i just had it in the shop maybe a month ago, the guy said i needed a new one and my dad was not happy xD he says he'll get me one at the end of the school year.

it's just been a lot today. i woke up with a sore throat and i think i'm falling ill which again i don't need. i stayed at school for gym and used their chromebooks to get 4 assignments handed in which felt good. i felt a bit sad because my best friend, as much as i love her, didn't even acknowledge me leaving today even though i was literally walking around her to sign out. but anyways. then my dad forgot to pick me up because he was watching a stupid, hateful video on youtube so i stood in the thunderstorm for 20 minutes and was absolutely cold and soaked. it made me feel awful. he didnt even seem that apologetic. there's actually a weather advisory in my area for severe storms which is super rare, i shouldn't have been out there for more than 3 minutes. and then we went to the store and mom didn't add my cough drops when we were paying so i don't have those. i just feel like im being forgotten about today, i feel so incredibly sad. my dog doesn't even want to hang out with me. i was hoping i could hug him on the way home but when i arrived he wouldnt follow me to my room which feels kind of pathetic. so i've been moping lol.

my grandpa hates computers so he let me borrow his for however long i need it. i'm very grateful. it's awful old and the keyboard feels weird and stiff but it's a good laptop i guess and it's usable. better than a chromebook. ive synced my browsing data so that is good too. maybe i will get some tea, have a spiced bath and try to forget everything. i slept most of today in the school beds and had a good lunch. i had two chicken patties and sushi and fries which was nice. they don't often serve sushi but it was fine. im not one for sushi but i appreciate the effort. my teachers are so kind and gave me some cough drops too. i sometimes feel like one lady in particular is my second mom. she is so kind and it's nice to have a "normal" mother figure

[67Phlox]

-
thanks for having faith in me

[The Shattered one]

can't I be optimistic, just this once? (unability to do so)

You can I believe you can and you will!

[NiightCult]

i wish i could stop crying myself to sleep again. i was doing better, but it all came crashing down when the update ive been waiting to enjoy for a year with my friend came out and she's not here to experience it with. it's been 8 months. 2 since we've even had a conversation. im there every day. i talk every day. ive given up at this point. i can't even touch the game, ive no one to enjoy it with and i cry just thinking about the what could have been. on top of it i overpayed extremely because I'm bad at worth here for a pet and lost money i really couldn't afford to overpay cs for. it all seems silly, im sure, but it's really the little things when you're lonely and your heart feels like it's constantly shattering. i really try to ignore it but the void consumes me too much some days. i guess i don't deserve to be happy.

[sirpiusofgrizz]

ooooh boy. after the 3 days of basically doing unpaid manual labor for set work for 10 - 12 hours a day straight ive been like... freakishly paranoid. moreso than i usually am. for some reason i think legitimately everything is about me and me doing something wrong, somehow, im convinced that any pain i went through is a cosmic punishment for not being a "good enough person" and i need to repent, etc etc. and rationally i know that thats all absolutely crazy and just my brain being wild from a poor sleep schedule and being overworked with no compensation (not to mention not really getting to eat much while i was working, and since id pass out right when i got home, i ate very little those few days) but also What If.

ill be fine soon im sure and my brain will calm to its usual levels of paranoia im just really mad at myself for being this way LOL