by a snoozing skerple » Wed Jul 08, 2015 9:49 pm
one way families tend to express affection is by saving images of their children all over their houses. it's just a normal thing and it's supposed to be a happy thing too but whenever i see it in my family i want to vomit.
i really wish that the pictures mom hoards could be of a little boy, and if all those little 'congrats!' papers the schools give elementary students when they cooperate said 'don' on them, and the teachers notes said 'he'. and i usually don't give a damn that he didn't stick around, not like i had any attachment to him, but sometimes i wish that as a kid, if i had been dragged along to do those sports or fishing or anything dads will do with their sons but not daughters, even if i'd always find them boring compared to RPG's, i would love so much if whenever she felt like reminiscing about motherly things if she could be remembering a son instead.
she knows i don't like them and she tries to keep them out of sight.. i'm not sure if this is because she actually respects how they make me feel or if she just doesn't want me to destroy the damn things. but it's relieving that they're getting a lot harder to find, and it feels a lot less threatening to think that even if i stopped cutting them up she'd probably still keep the rest out of sight.
her mother on the other hand, i know damn well she doesn't care. i don't know how many she has sitting in drawers but i've seen one on her fridge. right out in the open. she told her neighbor, a near stranger, my first name. she keeps ornaments with my first name on them.
she doesn't care in the slightest about my privacy, or how badly it disgusts me, at all. we used to live together and she'd call me selfish for getting rid of things like that. well, fine. maybe i am. but she doesn't see me going around telling our random neighbors about things she's ashamed of, or keeping photos around my house of things that she has repeatedly expressed emotional distress towards.
she refuses to get rid of them. they're 'memories'. i think that memories are pointless if you're claiming to express your love for someone by holding on to 'precious memories' of times when they felt horrible.
of course she's probably not the only one who does that. they might do it too. i don't bother looking around much at their house but i wouldn't be surprised if they have any of the disgusting little things hiding in a drawer somewhere.
and i know they wouldn't care either. she's been laughing her ass off about my identity since we moved here.
every time i see my first name, i want to be sick. and i keep seeing it. on every damn site. people plop it on their characters and trot it out in their writing whenever plain old color-wheel adjectives just aren't good enough for them.
but you know, it's just a name. sure, it's dramatic. but it's not uncommon. i don't have any right be mad at people for using it.
but it still makes me sick.
