[my entry- "Any Day Now"]
Where are you?
Any day now, I have to leave. My life is a lie, and I’ve wavered in between two worlds for long enough. But I can’t do it, I’m afraid. You’re not here with me, ever since you went away. I can’t be with you, not anymore. And because of that, I’m afraid.
Where are you?
Any day now, I hope to see you. When I close my eyes, I see you. When I open my eyes in that new place, I hope that I’ll see you, because Heaven won’t be worth it without you and I’d stand together with you hand in hand, and face down Hell together if that’s where we’re destined to go.
Where are you?
Any day now, it’ll happen. The time is past for me to go, but, if you won’t be there to greet me on the other side, how can I? Here or there, it’s all the same to me.
Where are you?
Today, I did it. I suppose now I am tied down yet free, held back by lingering regrets; yet ephemeral and eternal all at once. I am unstable, unwilling, and I don’t know what to do.
Wait, is that you?
I found you! I found you! I can’t believe that it’s you! I am so very happy, but why are you frowning? Aren’t you happy to see me again? We were best friends and more, when we were alive. Could it be that you don’t remember me?
No, that can’t be it!
You’re holding my hand just like you used to, your grip is strong and your hands are warm. There’s a fire within you that nothing could quench, even as your life drained away in that white room. I know you never gave up… is that what you’re trying to tell me?
But - no - I -!!
I don’t want to! I left for a reason! I don’t want to go back - I can’t go back! Please don’t make me leave you! Why? Nobody understood me there, nobody liked me there! Nobody except you, and you’re here now! I can’t go back! What? What do you want me to do? Hold up my hand like this…? Ah! Your hand is on mine, and our fingers are interlaced. Are you telling me that we’ll always be together, even when we’re apart?
...I understand.
It’s God’s will that I can’t stay here yet. And it’s your will that I live out my life, and the life that you couldn’t. So I’ll go. I’ll be brave. It’ll happen any day now.
So any day now.
I’ll wake up. I’ll rejoin the world of the living.
Any day now.
I’ll have to leave you. I don’t want to, but I can’t stay half-dead and half-alive, wavering between two worlds.
Any day now.
I’ll return to my regrets and my fears, and
Any day now,
I’ll face them with the courage that you gave me,
so that in some future day,
We can meet again.