The Advanced Writer's Club

[Jadeghost]

Is there anyone up for a little critique? :3

I have a few chapters of a story I've been writing for a while I would love feedback on, if anyone is interested. Its a little long, I know, so if you can't get to it right away I totally understand!

ƒιяє αиᴅ ιcє

[abandoned.]

@Jade; don't you have it on AS too? I could read it there though I'm not very good at critiquing ^^;

[Jadeghost]

@Jade; don't you have it on AS too? I could read it there though I'm not very good at critiquing ^^;

Yes, I posted it on AS in case I wanted to add a few chapters that weren't CS appropriate^^

[abandoned.]

I'll make sure to check it out sometime soon c; maybe once I take my last ap

[I'm Not The Only One]

Looks like I've changed my username!
Old username: Lorde
New username: .thewriter.
Club Number: 58

[I'm Not The Only One]

Good idea

Well, for the crazy party-girl I always like the name Lexi (Short for Alexandra) or Trinity. I'm absolutely useless at last names though, so sorry I can't suggest any there C;
And well, for the quiet shy girl, Ruby or Aurora could be nice?
Hope this kind of helps c:

[tide.]

Wow, it's been ages since I've been on CS! How is everyone? As of a couple weeks ago I'm in the works of getting something published, so I'm super excited about that.
@milenia In regards of the names--I am someone who really, really, really "test drives" a character first before naming them. For example, writing a five/six page scene with them to see how their personality, dialogue, etc. flows. And the most important thing is that your name (or character's name, for that matter.) can have everything or nothing to do with their actual personality. For example, I know a girl named Lily and she is the loudest, rowdiest girl I've ever met. The name "Lily" probably puts a calm, laid back image or impression of her into your mind but that's absolutely not true. However, that's just what I have to say about it!
However if you want the names to relate to their personality and characteristics, all the power to you, go for it
For the "party girl", I'd suggest Becca. Can be shortened to Bec, Becs, etc.
For the "quiet girl", I'd suggest something along the lines of Melody or Arwen. (Sorry, I'm a huge LotR fan >3<)

Also, Any chance I could get some critique on this? (It's 10,500 words total so I'm only giving an excerpt.)

Static clouds my head
I am waking up?
My nerves scream awake and it feels like my bones have been crushed to dust between my muscles and flesh.

Noise. Static. Soft words passed between people. I cannot open my eyes. Or, I will not. I couldn’t tell. Everything within me ached, and there was a heavy pressure on my temples. I forced my lips open so I might let breath into my lungs once again, an attempt to wake up, but the further inflation of my chest makes me choke and instantly I am hacking and sputtering. Warm liquid dots my pale lips and without looking I know it is blood. The static starts to clear then.
What happened, I think mutely. And that is when things start to get truly horrific.
In a panic fueled by waves of pain that wash over me quickly, coldly, and heavily, my eyes fly open and what I see around me is indescribable. I do not know how I got into this room. I do not know where I am. I have never seen the people around me.
Fluorescent light floods my vision, and metal walls dotted with the occasional glass shelf cover my entire field of vision. I try not to think about what is on those shelves. The soft murmuring around me ceases; they have realized I am awake. The metal does not reflect the light well, and what little illumination the bulbs offer is cast dimly off of the table I am…strapped to. I feel my heart stop in my chest. What was once panic is now sheer terror, and the only thing keeping me silent is the hope that they will leave me alone if they dub me unfit for whatever it is they want me for.

I do not know why they want me. I’m not interesting; I don’t even know who “they” are. My name is Florence Ashford. I am nineteen years old. I was born in Brooklyn in a taxi on the way to the hospital and my mother never wanted me so I left and I went to live on my own as soon as I could and the last thing I remember is
Nothing
I realize the thoughts I’m having are being made up as I try to sort myself out. Something tells me that the name is real, though, and I decide to keep it. I suck in one more breath, this time more slowly to avoid my ribs constricting me. The pain, this time, is a dull throb between my lungs and it does not bother me as much. I absentmindedly take note of the fact that I am cold. A shiver runs down my spine as if my mind cued it.
“Good morning, Florence.”

The voice is what grounds me.
“Welcome back, ma’am. Did you sleep well?”
I do not respond.
“Come now, don’t be shy,”
“How are you feeling?” A second voice chimes in and I don’t want to register the fact that it sounds faintly familiar. Cold and clinical with a fake smile that clings to the words like the smell of smoke in the air after a light rain. It is a voice that drips with chemicals and I do not like it. If I do remember the voice, then I do not think that I ever liked it. The breath that belongs to the voice (I cannot determine the gender and I have closed my eyes moments ago when they began to speak to me) is ice cold, like a murderer breathing heavily after a kill. The static threatens to cloud my mind again.
A hand is suddenly gripping my chin very tightly, and I screw my eyes even more tightly shut. The gesture commands for an answer, so I force out one word: “tired”.
“Sounds about right. We had a lot of fun yesterday, didn’t we? I don’t think you remember it yet, though. You will when the procedure is done, however.”
“Procedure?” I mumble weakly, the words practically falling out of my mouth in an uncoordinated act of exhaustion.
“Yes ma’am. When you were conceived—which was in a test tube, by the way—we knew exactly what we wanted. So, we made it. And you came out. Of course, we had to let you out after the first couple years; you had to develop normally enough or you’d suspect something along the way. You had an average life and an average mother and father. Your brother and sister would fight and you, Florence, the precious, overprotective older sister, would break it up. You were practically a saint at home—yet nothing short of what people considered a demon at school. Florence, let me tell you, almost everyone but you noticed that you were different. No one could quite place it, though. Even your parents noticed something, but they couldn’t quite tell what. No one could put a finger on the feeling that they got while they were around you, so they forced another one into its place and called it hatred. Do you know what it was, really? It was fear, Florence Ashford. They hated what they couldn’t understand so called it fear and beat the hell out of you daily for it. They used words and fists and those glances like daggers to call you out on your individuality. Because you’re not the same, Florence. And we made you that way on purpose.”

[abandoned.]

TIDE
ITS BEEN FOREVER SINCE I LAST SAW YOU
You probably don't remember me vov

Also for the names
Maybe Serena for one
Hmm Natalie for another?
I just pulled out two random names shhh xP

[indebted]

I love the name Sabrina--I think it means adventurous or something so that would be good for your party girl
and uhm Abigail is a good name I guess

[tide.]

TIDE
ITS BEEN FOREVER SINCE I LAST SAW YOU
You probably don't remember me vov

!!! omg I missed you <3
I absolutely remember you don't be silly~