★ Create A Clan Fanclub V.3 ★

[Dinolil1]

@Kat

He's saved by the twoleg, he will be paralyzed for the rest of his life though.

[Katrione]

@Dino

Maybe you could include it at the end of your post or at the beginning of your next one?

[Dinolil1]

@Kat

Thanks, I'm just trying to make sure the pacing's right. I don't wanna skip through the mourning processes and suchlike.

[ashton.]

@dino
it think it sounds fantastic, really! i love all of your posts c:
if anything, i would go a bit more into detail of everyone's reactions to russetleaf's death, sagestar's 'death,' and swanfoot becoming leader. other than that, it's perfect!!

@kat
ooh, what's going to happen to echoclan??

i love hearing about everyone's plots, it really helps me think up my own!
speaking of which, i feel i need some drama in leafclan again.... any ideas?
i want to have some sort of conflict with another clan, but i'm not sure how..?

[hazilnut]

@dino

I actually really love what you have! The plot it solid and the emotions carried are very good! I mean there is some grammar stuff that could be fixed from just reading it aloud (not that that much matters) and the ending feels a wee bit rushed? Magpie's reasoning is a bit confusingly worded. But yay! Mudwhisker the surrogate medicine cat!

If you want some added drama, Swanfoot very much is the kind to gloat so maybe she would stay and taunt Sagestar until the twoleg arrived? And then maybe Sagestar reflecting on his ignorance? But he's a bit prideful so he might just blame it on Swan and take no responsibility. Maybe his life flashing before his eyes? Regrets? Dunno.

I really like the imagery though!!

[Chamrosh]

@dino
Generally I really like it. Good descriptions, good tone, love the evilness and the description of the nine lives passing. Genuinely really good imo, and my criticisms are small and easy to correct. Hopefully they're helpful too XD
Only three things I would change:
1 I think Swanfoot having feigned rather than fake grief sounds better? Kinda just fake grief in my head implies its there, and I think feigned is more accurate
2 There's one point near the end when you say were when I think you mean was.... I'd quote to help but I'm on my phone and my neighbours' cat is stopping me going anywhere rn
3 It's easier to read dialogue when each new character speaking goes on a new line. Not just because of avoiding text walls, but for concision (I really dislike continually going "X said" in my own posts. I don't mind when reading, but when writing the inefficiency annoys me) and for not needing to do so many colours. I have some sort of colour perception weirdness so I really struggle to work out what's going on when all the cats have slightly different tones to speak in, as I can't actually work out which colour's being used. I don't think anyone else has it (and I don't think it's worth changing the system for just one person if it works for you), but I kinda think it has to be mildly annoying to keep scrolling down to check who's whom? Easier to just separate so the colours aren't needed imo.
Just like:

"How are you?' Bob asked. "I'm okay" Jerry replied

Is a lot more confusing to me than

"How are you?" Bob asked.
"I'm okay" Jerry replied.

Bc it kinda looks like Bob's saying both things (and no I don't know who Bob and Jerry are). I'm bad at explaining it anyway XD

But yeah, I really like it and those are all really tiny things there ^ which would take like 5 seconds (and yup I do EBIs to everything pretty much)
I'm probably not being very helpful.

@heda and zephyrine
Congrats to you both *throws confetti around*

[Dinolil1]

Thank you guys for all your critquism!

I've started to rewrite the beginning (as I just don't like it's pacing) but nevertheless I appreciate all your advice!

[deimido]

@Dinolil1 - looks pretty good ! i say expand on the clan's grieving and follow all the advice chamrosh and hazil gave, also this is probably more of a personal preference but maybe separate the paragraphs? i tend to do that because if too many words are in one big mass of text everything kinda jumbles into each other and i often have to rewind a couple sentences just so i can manage to retain everything i've read haha.

also since i'm not really good at writing evil characters i'd like some Thoughts on what i might do with lavenderkit? i'm thinking that she becomes a real devout follower in the warrior code, believing that if it isnt followed the way it should be the clan is at risk of being punished by starclan. thus she becomes real uncomfortable being around her older brothers and the wasp/ram kids, since their biths were against the code. (skunknose being a medcat when she had aspenheart and magpiewhisker, wasptail pregnant with ramhorn's kits even though he was the echoclan medicine cat at the time) this would probe her to try and fix these mistakes by doing the good 'ol act of murdering certain cats under the guise that shes doing nothing wrong but repairing her clan's honor.

but /shrugs/ idk

[ashton.]

@art
i aboslutely love that idea!! it's great!

[hazilnut]

@art

Ahh yes! Yes yes yes yes this is brilliant! Honestly this is such a good idea! Now the question is, will she find sympathizers or take it on as her duty and hers alone? So many possibilities!!

@zeph

Hmmm My best advice is to find a clan you want your story entangled with for a long while? Those are always good good fun!