RP School Novice Thread (CLOSED: inactivity) please delete

[Bryndale]

Okay all forms look much better! We can now get to the actual role playing part! Yay! Start when you feel like it, and remember to keep the prompt in mind.

[Versa_Mythology]

Voodoo climbed out of his tree, landing easily in a crouch, a perfect vampiric stance. He lifted his head, his eyes scanning the area as he watched the Unicorn take off after being spooked. He cursed, but turned, taking off after it, gaining speed. He was hungry. His eyes glowed a deadly, hunger-filled dark red, which was the only bright thing in the woods except for the moon. His blood craving was driving him mad now, for he couldn't stand it much longer. He watched carefully, eyes content on the area of it's neck he'd puncture. The Unicorn pinned back his ears, snapped his jaw, and kicked up his hind hooves at Voodoo in fright.

Voodoo pounced quickly, placing all his weight on it's back and digging into it's shoulder blades. As the unicorn hit the ground, it's knees scuffed up and his jaw hit the ground, causing the unicorn intense pain. It son led to the loud, sickening screech from the Unicorn; it's very last day on Earth. As the stallion relaxed reluctantly, Voodoo snapped off it's horn quickly, listening to the sickening crack it made.

He plunged his fangs into the stallion's neck, silver blood exploding into his mouth and running down his throat in large quantities as he sucked the blood from the large, nowhorn-less Unicorn. He closed his eyes and savered the taste as the blood trickled down the corner of his lips and stained the collar of his hoodie.

After a moment or two of drinking, the Unicorn was drained full of it's blood. The only thing left of the Unicorn was the transluctant bare white eyes, and the stub of his horn, aswell as his blood stained, life-less body. He quickly stood, and then easily moved forward at a fast pace, back to his tree. The horn was gripped tight in his hand, his hand still drenched in it's blood.

[Bryndale]

Review of Dreamsnare's Post

1. His eyes glowed the dreadly, hunger-filled dark red, the only bright thing in the woods except for the moon. 2. His crave for blood was driving him mad, and the only meal now was that lone Unicorn stallion he was chasing now. 3. He watched as the Unicorn's ears pinned back as he kicked up his feet to protect himself, but Voodoo was way too fast for the stallion.

1. Fix the spelling here of "deadly." Also, instead of saying "the", say "a", which improves the flow of the sentence. Also, by saying "the", you're indicating that the "deadly, hunger filled dark red" is similar to something, etc. If you want to use "the", the sentence should be more like such: "His eyes glowed the deadly, hunger-filled dark red of a predator driven half mad with hunger" or something. By using "a", you don't have to include the last bit. You also might want to consider putting a period after "dark red", dividing it into two sentences, which makes the flow more natural.

2. Reread the start of this sentence: what is wrong with it? The second half of the sentence is also kind of rocky. You may want to reword this or split it into two sentences. Also, try to refrain from using the same word twice so close together, as it interrupts the smoothness of the paragraph. How could you change this?

3. There's some difficulty distinguishing between the unicorn and Voodoo here.

1. Voodoo pounced quickly, pushing his weight on the stallion's back, aswell as the Unicorn's shoulder blades, causing the Stallion eimmence pain and causing the stallion to hit the ground on his knees with a horrific whinny. 2. Voodoo put pressure on the stallion's neck, and snapped it's horn off easily, placing it in his belt as he grabbed the Unicorn's head, trying to snap it's neck. 3. He knew every animal's weakness by now, expecially humans, but he was hungry for the sweet silver blood of a Unicorn now.

Overall, with this paragraph, pay attention to spelling and repetition of words. Try to find alternative words to use, which will greatly speed up the pace of the post.

1. This sentence contains too many parts to flow smoothly. My suggestion is to always write from the perspective of the one whom the action is take place. In short, do not put what Voodoo does and what the unicorn does in the same sentence. For example, you could say: "Voodoo pounced quickly, pushing his weight against the stallion's broad back and digging into his shoulder blades. The stallion let out a horrified whinny and collapsed on his knees in the dirt." See how much better that flows?

2. Again, don't use the same word so close together. Use a different word for snapped, like "broke," "tore", "cracked", "ripped", etc. Also, to keep up the quick pace of the moment, you may want to separate the actions into different sentences. This is not necessary, but it's a neat trick!

3. This sentence is awkward. Knowing the weakness of every animal and being hungry for unicorn blood isn't really connected, so you should either use a better transition or separate them.

He plunged his fangs into the stallion's neck, silver blood exploding into his mouth and running down his throat in large quantities as he sucked the blood from the large, nowhorn-less Unicorn. He closed his eyes and savered the taste as the blood trickled down the corner of his lips and stained the collar of his hoodie with Silver.

I like this paragraph overall, and think it's your best so far. I really like the description and attention to detail. It's great that you show us how the blood runs down and stains his collar. I would remove "with silver" at the end, or add a descriptive word to make it more dramatic. Also, the 's' shouldn't be capitalized. Once again, pay attention to spelling. Otherwise, great job!

1. After a moment or two of drinking, the Unicorn was drained full of it's blood, death-pasty white, it's eyes pure white like the moon and it's blood after the blood was sucked from the large creature. 2. He wiped his lips in hastiness and turned, carrying the horn tightly in hand, and went back to his tree, quickly

1. I like that you're paying attention to description, but you use it a little off here. "death-pasty white" sounds redundant and somewhat comical, and the use of "white" when referring to the eyes is too soon, though I love that you've compared them to the moon. Even more so, I don't think the unicorn can actually look pale, as that's masked by the white fur XD. Perhaps a better way to write this is "After a moment or two of drinking, the unicorn was completely drained. It's eyes were lifeless and pale as the new moon." The next part of the sentence ("and it's blood after the blood was sucked from the large creature") is confusing. I'm not quite sure what you're trying to say here.

2. Don't say "he wiped his lips in hastiness", because it does sound comical. What else could you say in place of this, that sounds more natural? Also, you should switch the second and third parts of the sentence, because his turning and moving quickly to the tree go well together, where as him bringing the horn with him is the odd thing out. So it should be more like: "...and turned, walking quickly back to his tree, the severed horn clutched tightly in one hand."


This was a very good post that showed a lot of action and description, which is always important when rping! It was fast place and stuck to the scenario, with only a few grammatical and structural errors. Good job Dreamsnare!

[Versa_Mythology]

(I fixed it ^^)

[vαιuε]

The night was still young; the moon forever shinning through the trees, as it did every evening. But tonight, Dean noticed that it was accompanied by the stars. Usually something he never saw. A smile played on the corner of his lips, as the boy imagined somehow finding his way up to the sky. It would be wondrous, Dean thought, to see the constellations up close for once, instead of squinting through the tightly grown trees, and ending up to see perhaps only one or two stars.

The boy sighed. He was not here to day dream. The cocaine usually did that for him. Dean was on a mission. Or a quest if you prefer. He was here, in this dark profound forest, to hunt down vampires. He had been told, by his mentor what these creatures were, where they could be found, and how dangerous they were. Of course, Dean had listened intently, and had discovered that vampires are undead beings who search the night looking for humans to prey on. He knew they were extremely unsafe, and could kill him in a second with out thought. And they were why he was here. Apparently, they happen to roam around forests, Dean figured this would be the best place to find one.

He was supplied with a gun, a certain type of gun. A sort that could only be used killing supernatural things. There were only few left in the world, and Dean was determined to make sure it wouldn’t fall it to the wrong hands. This was also part of his job, to protect this precious item, and only use it when necessary; this gun was crafted to only be used eight times, for it had only eight bullets.

Dean had encountered a vampire before, and he knew, for a fact that it was one of the most terrifying and most life threatening things he had ever experienced. They were not one to mess around with. They had interesting- and dangerous- skills that could kill anyone in a heartbeat; Dean had studied them for six years, and had found out almost everything about them. There weaknesses, there strengths, what they wanted most in life. He had even discovered some of there pasts.

But tonight, Dean was searching for something in particular. A vampire. Who, he knew, went by the name of Voodoo.

[Versa_Mythology]

(Whoohoo! Voodoo's on the run xD)

[Bryndale]

You are not required to fix your posts after I critique them. You can if you like, but you don't have to. You just have to take into consideration what I've said and apply it to your next post.

Though it would be beneficial for you to correct them on your own, but for progress' sake, I will only correct them the fist time XD

Also, starting now, all your Out of Character posts should be ((surrounded by double parenthesis))

[Bryndale]

Review of Dreamsnare's Post

1. The night was still young; the moon forever shinning through the trees, as it did every evening. 2. But tonight, Dean noticed that it was accompanied by the stars. 3. Usually something he never saw. 4. A smile played on the corner of his lips, as the boy imagined somehow finding his way up to the sky. 5. It would be wondrous, Dean thought, to see the constellations up close for once, instead of squinting through the tightly grown trees, and ending up to see perhaps only one or two stars.

Great first paragraph overall. I like the description and good insight into your character's thoughts.

1. The wording here is awkward, and the grammar is off. It is awkward because you introduce two different concepts of time in the same sentence, one finite and one infinite. You're basically saying: "the moon shone constantly but only at a certain time." How would you fix this? Also, you use two different tenses, saying "the moon forever shinning through the trees, as it did every night." Instead you should say "The moon forever shinning, as id does every night."

2. Saying that "Dean noticed" the stars kind of breaks up the flow, so you should either take that bit out or move the thought to encompass the entire idea of the moon and stars.

3. This shouldn't be a sentence of it's own, because it is fragmented. Either add it to the end of sentence three or structure it so that it can stand alone.

4. The only real problem here is maybe the unnecessary comma. Otherwise it's a good sentence.

5. This is also a good sentence, but broken up into too many parts so it looses its flow. A better way to word this would be, "How wondrous it would be, Dean thought, to see the constellations up close, instead of squinting through the branches for nothing more than a lonely star or two."

The boy sighed. 1. He was not here to day dream. 2. The cocaine usually did that for him. 3. Dean was on a mission. 4. Or a quest if you prefer. He was here, in this dark profound forest, to hunt down vampires. 5. He had been told, by his mentor what these creatures were, where they could be found, and how dangerous they were. 6. Of course, Dean had listened intently, and had discovered that vampires are undead beings who search the night looking for humans to prey on. He knew they were extremely unsafe, and could kill him in a second with out thought. And they were why he was here. 7. Apparently, they happen to roam around forests, Dean figured this would be the best place to find one.

1 and 2. These would be better off as a single sentence: "He was not here to day dream -- the cocaine usually did that for him." Overall though, I like this bit. It's quite clever and lets us see what the character is like right off the bat.

3 and 4. Same as one and two. This can be combined into one sentence.

5. "He had been told[color=#FF0000], by his mentor what these creatures were, where they could be found, and how dangerous they were." This comma should be removed. It would perhaps be better also to change the first bit around to better the flow, making it more like "His mentor had told him what these creatures were..."

6. "Of course,Dean had listened intently, and had discovered that vampires are undead beings who search the night looking for humans to prey on." Remove "of course" and the "had" before discovered to make it flow better. Also, stick to one tense. You write the sentence in past tense until the end where you say "he discovered vampires are..."

7. "Apparently, they happen to roam around forests, Dean figured this would be the best place to find one." This should be broken up into two sentences.

1. He was supplied with a gun, a certain type of gun. 2. A sort that could only be used killing supernatural things. There were only few left in the world, and Dean was determined to make sure it wouldn’t fall it to the wrong hands. 3.That was also part of his job, to protect this precious item, and only use it when necessary; this gun was crafted to only be used eight times, for it had only eight bullets.

1 and 2. Don't use the word "supplied" here. Instead use something like "equipped". You also don't need to mention the gun twice. On top of that, these two sentences would be better off as one. It would be best to say "He had a certain type of gun; the sort that could only be used to kill supernatural things."


3. I like the idea that the gun is limited. It makes the character unique and exciting. However, you should remove "also". It would maybe even be better to say "Part of his job was to precious item..." this speeds up the flow of the sentence and reduces the feel of excess wordy-ness...ness.

1. Dean had encountered a vampire before, and he knew, for a fact that it was one of the most terrifying and most life threatening things he had ever experienced. They were not one to mess around with. 2. They had interesting- and dangerous- skills that could kill anyone in a heartbeat 3. ; Dean had studied them for six years, and had found out almost everything about them. There weaknesses, there strengths, what they wanted most in life. He had even discovered some of there pasts.

1. "Dean had encountered a vampire before, and he knew, for a fact that it was one of the most terrifying and most life threatening things he had ever experienced" Again, too many commas fragmenting the sentence. Try this: "Dean had encountered a vampire before. He knew for a fact that it was one of the most terrifying and most life threatening things he had ever experienced." Refrain from using such vague phrases as "things."

2. "They had interesting- and dangerous- " If you're going to do this, make sure you add a double line ( -- ) so that it can be distinguished from a hyphen.

3. "...; Dean had studied them for six years, and had found out almost everything about them. There weaknesses, there strengths, what they wanted most in life. He had even discovered some of there pasts." Instead of adding the semicolon after "heartbeat", end the sentence. These two can stand alone. The next two sentences are the ones that should be joined. "Dean had studied them for six years, and had found out almost everything about them: their weaknesses, therestrengths, what they wanted most in life... he had even discovered some of there pasts."

But tonight, Dean was searching for something in particular. 1. A vampire. Who, he knew, went by the name of Voodoo.

1. Punctuation should be fixed: "But tonight, Dean was searching for something (perhaps better if you said someone) in particular: a vampire by the name of Voodoo."


Overall, great first post! Good length and description, and insight into your character. The thing for you to focus on is punctuation.

[chaos.]

I'll post soon :3

[Versa_Mythology]

Voodoo lifted his gaze to the moon, sighing softly. He licked his lips to make sure the blood was consumed fully. He then tensed slightly, looking around the small area of woods just to be sure he was not in danger. He had a strange feeling of either being watched, or being hunted, but did not know where that feeling came from or why. He relaxed himself, his back pressed against the trunk of the tree, his feet curled in a criss-crossed position. After a moment or two, Voodoo rubbed his chin, ignoring the stitches along the full length of his jaw, giving him the jagged look of a stiched-back=together Voodoo doll appeal with his forcive red eyes. He felt his hair getting in his vision, but he ignored it easily as he muttered "Ready To Blow" by KMFDM over and over again, enjoying the chorus words from the female in the song.

The song only appealed to him because she spoke 'Think around a, drink around a barrel of a gun' twice before the male sang again. He honestly used to play this song on his guitar, but left it behind when he ran from his home. He shook his head at the thought and shuttered, then looked up when he heard twigs snap in the distance. His eyes turned a brighter, shinny red as he hissed and bared his teeth in warning, curling his lips back.