Novice RP School (Minnie:) and The Lion King)

[Skylarr.]

Lol. thanks

[omori]

Ok, now that school is done, The Lion King is up next! (Whew, I won't have to bother with changing your font color. xD)

Name: Faye
Gender: Female
Age: 17
Ethnicity: British

So far, so good. Only one thing: does she just not like to mention her last name? Or is Faye a nickname or something?

Hair colour: Light Blonde
Eye colour: Light Brown
Skin colour: Pale
Height: 5'5
Clothing style: Dainty; Likes to wear long skirts and blouses
Hairstyle: Long and straight; layered around her face
Frame: Small; fragile

Still looks good! I like how you used the word "fragile".

Personality: Faye is extremely shy and sometimes quiet. However she is very friendly if you get to know her enough. She treats each person she meets with courtesy and respect, though if you anger her enough she has an incredibly sharp tongue. She is exceptionally good at winning arguments though she tries her hardest not to get involved in them. She finds it hard to show her sadness and tries to lock her grief up in her heart and move on.
Faye is very involved with nature and the highlight of the year is the summer at her families country house since she despises her life in the towns. She is absolutely fascinated with dragons and hopes one day to get closer to them. She is not too involved with her studies as she should be, because she gets distracted easily and finds school quite boring. Faye is not very good with keeping close relationships with members of the opposite sex. Her last relationship, the only one she ever had, ended horribly because she is not very open with boys.

I like this; nice and descriptive. I do have some comments/tips for you, though. When using such a long description, try not to begin so many sentences with "she". Though we know who you're talking about, it sounds nicer when you change up the beginning word every now and then. I'm a bit curious on how you'll get around the fact that she is so shy. Though it's not impossible, it's hard to overcome things like this. You seemed to accidentally use "families" instead of "family's". Remember, apostrophe "s" shows ownership, while when you change the ending, such as in "families", it means "more than one family", AKA plural. It also seems like you may need a bit of practice with commas possibly, as some of your sentences sound run on-ish.

Likes: Rain, when the sun breaks over the horizon at dawn, reading old thick books (and staying up all night to finish them), tea with honey, the company of her family, and dragons.
Dislikes: Loud obnoxious people, posers, town life, the afternoon, hot humid days, and her studies.
Strengths: Faye's strengths include loyalty, debating, reading, and her knowledge of dragons.
Weaknesses: Her weaknesses are lying, being extremely social like her friends, arithmetic, making and keeping relationships with guys, and disobeying her family.
Greatest fear: Having to stay in the town all her life
Greatest wish: To live forever in the country with her family and get up close with the dragons.

One of her likes is reading old, thick books, and staying up to finish them. If she hates studies, then what kind of books are they? You can't forget details like this, as it may confuse people. In her weaknesses, you stated: "Her weaknesses are ..., being extremely social like her friends,..." Are you stating that she is social like her friends, or that she is not extremely social like them? Don't forget to clarify things like this, as you've been repeating how shy she is.

Goals in life: To own a country house, to tame a dragon, to get as far away from the city as is possible, and maybe get back together with the sole guy she ever cared for
General Past: Faye is the older sister of two brothers and the only daughter of her parents. Her mother died when Faye was young and her father had to raise her too brothers and herself. She has made friends with a close circle of girls who are more outgoing than she but don't quite understand Faye's motives or desires. Though against her will, they once set her up on a date with a pretty nice guy who she didn't like at first, but then as she got to know him, realized that maybe there was a little more. Sadly, when he tried to get closer to her, she pushed him away and since then she hasn't spoken to him. In the time being she has devoted herself to learning all there is to know about the dragons that attack the villages.

Only one thing: you used "too" instead of "two". "To" is usually used as a linking verb; "too" is a synonym of "also"; "two" is the spelling of the number. Don't worry, this is a common mistake in many peoples' spelling, along with "there", "their", and "they're".

Past Things They Regret: The day her mother died, and the day she pushed away the only boy she ever cared about.
Past Things They Are Happy With: When her two younger brothers were born and the moment she saw her first dragon fly over her house.
Family life: Faye acts as the mother of the household following her mother's death. Normally she gets along fine with her brothers and her father but does not expect to do everything for them since she does most of the housework.

Alrighty! Everything looks good in these last ones! Give it up for The Lion King! You did awesome! *Claps* Both of you have done very well. I'm sure Minnie has, too! She's up next, so hold tight, Minnie:), I'll start typing yours up. :3

[ocelotboye]

However, there are a few grammatical errors, etc. in the clothing style. Although this uses good imagery, the rule is to never begin a sentence with and or but. It is always best to turn it into one sentence, which can actually add to the effect. My example may not seem too good, but you can add more detail in my fusing the sentences together. The comma isn't needed there, though that's not a big mistake, which some people may prefer to insert them. To some it is an error, while it may not be to others.

I will keep that in mind. Thank you Ampeh.
Usually I put comma's where I talk in real life. I actually pause much more to think, which leaks into how I type. I will try and stop that, because it seems to make a large effect.

Everything looks good, except the past explained things. :3

I'm always terrible at those xD
I'll try to get better though :3 Hey, that's what this school is for~

Bravo, Jrezel! You did very well with your form! Only a few grammatical and puntual errors, as stated. You deserve a round of applause! *Claps*

Thank you x3 And also..
You said puntual, when its actually punctual. Puntual is something that's in Spanish I think o3o

[omori]

See, students? Even the proctor makes mistakes! 8D

No worries, Jrezel, you're actually supposed to put commas where you pause. I guess we pause in different places. o3o
xD

PS- I got lazy and used quick reply so I couldn't color my text. XD
PSS- Sorry, Minnie, I was procrastinating.. I'll go do your critiques now. Or maybe later.. NAW, kidding. ;D

[omori]

Sorry, Minnie, but I'm too lazy to keep your font color. xD

Name: Jay
Gender: Female
Age: 17
Ethnicity: Half Indian, Half English. But her indian traits were stronger as you will read on.

Okay, so far, so good. :3

Hair colour: Very dark brown
Eye colour: Ice blue
Skin colour: An olive, but not to dark. Just enough that it makes her look a bit tan.
Height: Quite Short, 5'1"
Clothing style: She loves her native deerskin, but what she does with hers, is she dyes it black. You'll usually find her in long sleeve deerskin tops and thigh-length skirts she has made. A choker- http://www.pimall.com/TTTC/graphics/bon ... earpaw.jpg
Hairstyle: Long curls. something like this: http://bangbangtheblog.com/wp-content/u ... udgens.jpg
Frame: Normal for her size.

Alright, still going fine. :3
Only one thing: when you wrote, "A choker-", you left the sentence hanging. I know you used a picture, but you should probably join the sentences together using, ", and a choker that looks like this: //...//

Personality: Jay is afraid to stick up for herself. She's always pushed around as she was her whole life. Even when her father was around, he would always tell her what to do and of course she would do it without question. Her mother never stuck up for her daughter because of the fact her husband could be beat her, possiby to death. On her own time, Jay would sneak out at night to the river to go swimming and explore ever since she was a little girl. Everytime she went to the river she saw at least one new thing each time. She loves to play with the little fish and tadpoles. The fish have even recognized her. She still goes there to this day.

Okay, so at the end is where your post gets a bit bumpy. Read these sentences: "She loves to play with the little fish and tadpoles. The fish have even recognized her. She still goes there to this day." It would be better to join these sentences together with commas, and adding more detail to them. For example: "She loves to play with the little fish and tadpoles, who have, over time and much playing, grown to even recognize her, growing excited when they see her coming. She still goes to see her little friends to this day, and her they're happy because of this." Does that maybe sound a bit better? Sorry if it's not the best example.

Likes: Night, Swimming, Adventures
Dislikes: Scary big people, boring days
Strengths: Running, Using daggers, Bow and Arrow
Weaknesses: Not being able to stick up for herself, fear of some people
Greatest fear: Her dad coming to kill her or the dragons taking her away and killing her.
Greatest wish: To be able to stick up for herself

This all looks good. :3

Goals in life: To become a warrior.
General Past: Jay grew up with an English father and a Native Amreican mother. The father was very bossy once Jay was of age to do some chores at the time. Her mother was small like her so she was helpless in sticking up for her daughter. When Jay was 13, her mother finally had the courage to leave her father, which they did. Her father was furious of course, but thought they were just in his way of work and his life, so he agreed. They moved to a small apartment just big enough for them and they worked at a bar where they are today.(You might be thinking, "At a bar?! Jay is only 13!!" Well it was legal at the time and where they lived.)
Past Things They Regret: Not speaking to her father, even though he was threatening and scary.
Past Things They Are Happy With: Being close with her mother. Learining how to use the bow and daggers
Family life: Right now she works at a resturant with her mother at a veryy low salary. They live in a small cottage

Other:She is called Jay because of her eyes, but now she says it is her speed and stealth.

Okay, I see a few errors in the "General Past" section. You have a few mis-spellings (American, very) although I'm sure those were just mistakes made by typing quickly. ;D
But you seem to not have the grasp of where to place your commas. The ones that you put in are in the corrects places, but you left out some commas that you should have inserted. No worries, we can work on this with everybody else, as it may not only be you having this trouble. ;D

Can we get another round of applause for Minnie, please? *Claps* Youve all done extremely well already. Give yourselves a pat on the back. :3

[The Lion King]

Thank you Ampharos. I wrote that at like...eh 12:30 AM so what probably explains a bunch of the grammar errors.

Anyways what I meant with the thing about reading old thick books yet she does not enjoy her studies...I had in mind that she likes to read books that have almost absolutely nothing to do with her learning. Basically like legends or really irrelevant stuff. And on her weaknesses I meant to clarify that she lacks on being extremely social. XD

[omori]

You're welcome! ^^ And no worries, T.L.K. (WOOHOO abbreviation laziness d;), I kept that in mind. xD

And I know what you meant, I was pointing out that others may get confused with things like that. But thank you for clarifying anyways. (;

[Skylarr.]

Yay! I got like a B+!

[omori]

Doh! Forgot! You may begin your RP now. XD

Before beginning, please remember the following:

•Proof-read your posts, making sure you've no grammatical/punctual errors.
•When I write "Post Break", please don't post any more RP posts.
•Try to lengthen your posts with detail.
•Try to interact somehow with others, even if not in talking; such as accidentally bumping into them, etc.
•You guys decide whether you're already together, etc. at the beginning of the RolePlay.
•Most importantly, have fun!

[Skylarr.]

OOC: Any certain situation we are in?