♂---♀
I walked into the dark gymnasium. Lights flashed so bright and erratically, I was certain they would give me a seizure. Other than the blinking lights, there was no other source of light in the gymnasium. It was dark. I remembered that once I had been afraid of the dark. It seemed like a foolish fear now. Childish and stupid. There was nothing to fear in the dark, and certainly not in that gymnasium.
I walked in confidently, locating my friends quickly. I was only with four that night, although I was usually with eight or nine. It wasn't much for a group of people at a dance, but they were my friends and I would rather have danced with them than anyone.
Well, maybe not anyone.
My eyes lingered through the gymnasium, searching for a person who promised he would be there. He said nothing about seeing me there, though, and quite frankly I doubted he would. He didn't want to be seen with someone like me. Not when he was in with the cool people. Why would he ever waste any time on me when he could dance with her? Then again, she wasn't going to be there. She was away on a trip. She wouldn't be back for another few days at least. Part of me tingled with joy knowing that I couldn't have him any more than she could tonight. It wasn't very nice of me to think that way, but I'd been waiting longer for him. I deserved him more. I wanted him more.
But she was in. And so was he. And I was not.
As I danced to the sound of the bass, I thought of why I wasn't in. I was friends with one of the in girls. Of course, she wasn't here. She wouldn't be back for a few days. But I didn't like makeup. I didn't like short and revealing clothing. I wasn't particularly attractive. And I knew that was all the in girls coveted for people in their group. They wouldn't care that I was smart. They wouldn't care that I was kind. They wouldn't care that I was a good singer. They wanted beauty. And that was one thing I lacked.
I saw a striped dark shirt in the crowd. It was difficult to see since the gymnasium was dark, but I saw it and didn't let go. I didn't want to lose sight of him. I stared at him as I dance, only looking away when my friends started to notice. I looked back at one point to find that he had vanished, and I panicked momentarily until I saw his striped shirt again.
The DJ announced that he would be playing a slow song. My eyes clung to the back of his shirt, praying he would turn and look at me, begging to dance. I would've done anything to have that happen.
But he did not turn around. He did not ask me to dance. The song ended.
I continued my jumping kind of dance to thumping music. I tried to ignore him, but it was so difficult when I knew he was there. The time ticked by, the beats in the music counting away the seconds. There were no more slow songs. Not until the very end.
The last song was a slow one. I decided that I would find him myself. Perhaps if I even just bumped into him, he would ask me to dance. If not, I'd ask him.
I abandoned my friends and sought him out. But when I finally located him, it wasn't what I wanted to see.
They were dancing. It wasn't her, because she was away and wouldn't be back for a few days. But I knew who he was dancing with. She was an in girl. She was on my bus. We talked on the bus. At moments, you could consider us friends. But not at that moment.
I thought of all the times I'd accused him of liking the one who was on the trip and wouldn't be back for several days. He did like her at one point. But ever time I poked fun at him lately, he'd denied it. I had thought he was just brushing me off, knowing full well that I knew he was lying. But I had been wrong. I could see it in his eyes that he did not like the girl who was on the trip and wouldn't be back for several days. No. He liked the girl that was in front of him at that very moment. Not me, of course, the other one. The in girl. The one he was dancing with.
I felt tears forming in my eyes, and I felt silly. It was nothing to cry about. I loved him, yes. But maybe she did too. Maybe he loved her back. And wasn't that more important than my own concerns? In spite of me telling myself that I was acting stupid, I wiped away the tears that were running down my face and left anyway.
I left the dark gymnasium. The lights that flashed so bright and erratically that I was certain they would give me a seizure were behind me, unable to blind me now that my back was turned on them. I remembered that once I had been afraid of the dark. I also remembered that it had seemed like a foolish fear to me. Childish and stupid. But perhaps there was something to fear that lurked in the darkness, or in that gymnasium at the very least. It was the fear of heartbreak.
I had once thought that I was brave enough to handle the darkness. Yet as I walked away out the front door of the building and into the snowy night, I realized that a childish fear had gotten the better of me. But then again, perhaps it wasn't as childish as I thought. It was probably
more childish.
After all, not even children are afraid of something as stupid as heartbreak.
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