{ a gentle hawk and a lonely newt } • DNP

[Micki.]

x




username: Micki.
cat name: Newtfang
gender: male
age: 45 moons
clan: Bearclan
rank: medicine catxxxxxxxxxxxxxx



username: crim.
cat name: Hawklight
gender: male
age: 42 moons
clan: Reedclan
rank: warrior
















x

[Micki.]

x
I was born alone, shrouded in darkness from my very first breath. My mother died bringing me to life, my siblings not long after. That cloud of darkness, of death, hung over me. And my father? My clan? Well, they never let me forget how unwelcome I was...

How alone I was.

And I was very, very alone.

I spent my days trying desperately to go unnoticed, my nights trying just as hard to sleep, to forgive myself for the crimes everyone was punishing me for, to ease my guilt. It was an impossible task. How could one so young forgive themselves when the rest of their world reminded them of how terrible they were, how unnatural and cursed? How can you rise above that, find value in your life, when everyone tells you that your life is worthless?

I was utterly alone, utterly unwanted and unloved.

But, the moment I met Hawklight?

Well, in that moment, I was brought into the light - my world illuminated by him. The darkness around me lifted, and I was given the only thing that I had ever wished for: I was wanted. I was wanted for the first time in my life, and I was happy. He showed me love for the first time, the only time.

Hawklight was my saving grace, my guiding light.

More than that, Hawklight was my home.

I was prepared to fight for that home, to the death if necessary.



And to the death I fought - what else was I supposed to do, let the only home I'd ever known slip from my paws?

... What would you have done?


I don't regret it. I won't regret it...

I can't regret it - I can't fall back into my own guilt, not without Hawklight to pull me back into the light, to save me from my darkness.


So, instead, I spend my time searching for him, my guiding light...



I need that light...

Without his light, I'm a lonely soul, searching for a beam of light in a sea of darkness. My darkness.

Because I have so much darkness within me...






And no light to guide me.

[Micki.]

x
Every night I wake up - choking, lungs filled with water.

I can't breathe, I can't see. My body is limp, my legs aren't working. I can taste blood, feel the sting of open wounds. My ears are filled with gurgling, I can't hear. I can feel my fur swirling in the water, dragging me deeper...


And deeper...




And deeper...





I'm drowning, and I can feel the life start to leave my body all over again. My life is no longer my own, and I can't bring myself to care. It's like it's happening once more, carrying me away from you. Away from my strength, my home.

I think that's why I gave up, why I let the water take me...

What do I have left if I don't have you?



Worse than reliving that - feeling the water filling me up, seeping into every crack and every cut? Worse than that is what comes before.

Your bloodied body, limp. Your eyes, glazed over. Your chest, still.

How can I live with that? Knowing that I am the cause, the bringer of your death? My dear, you aren't the darkness - you never were...




I'm the darkness, and you were my light.

[Micki.]

x
A dark tom lay, curled into a tight ball, in the back of a makeshift den.

It was dug from the earth, probably by a badger or foxes, with moss hanging from the entrance to block out the light, and all of the rain had made it fairly damp. Still, it was home. Not because it was where he was staying, but because of who he shared the damp, often bleak, den with.

Just then a stream of light illuminated the darkness, making the tom blink open his eyes sleepily. There, in the entrance, another tom stood, the moss catching on his back and creating a gap where light flooded through. The laying tom smiled gently as he looked up at the other.

It was fitting, the dark tom thought, that the brown tom who had brought so much light to his life was now flooding the damp den with light. 'Truly a light bringer,' he thought, yawning lazily, as he looked at the backlit cat. The light was creating a glow around the other tom, almost like the glow of an ancestor. 'Even more fitting,' he smiled.

The tom at the entrance tried to speak, but only garbled mumbles came out - the plants in his mouth preventing him from fully forming the words.

Laughing, the dark tom raised a brow, "Hmm? What was that, my light? I couldn't quite make out-"

Swoosh, thud!

"Oomf," the dark tom complained, rubbing his head where a twig had hit him.

"I said: aren't you going to help with these herbs, Newtfang?"

Newtfang squinted at the other tom, "Well, does it look like I'm going to help with those herbs, Hawklight?"

The other tom rolled his eyes, "You wanted them! And you have the nerve to -"

"You had the nerve to wake me," Newtfang interrupted, raising a brow at Hawklight, who simply rolled his eyes again.

"Help," the brown tom commanded. He moved further into the den, letting the moss fall back into place to shroud the den in darkness once more.

It must have been a sign, that darkness falling over them again - some unholy sign from the ancestors - because only seconds later, their lives would change forever.

Shouting came from outside of the den, and when the two toms emerged they found Newtfang's former clanmates surrounding them. Completely surrounding them, sneering and hissing.

"We've found you, Newtfang," one hissed, stepping forward from the crowd, "And now it's time for you to pay... Now it's time for you both to pay."

Newtfang shot a glance at Hawklight, panic settled on his thin face, and the other tom only smiled gently in response. What would he do without his light there, protecting him, as always? Keeping him calm, as always? Reassuring him, as always?

Another one of the cats surrounding them added, in a hiss so low it was practically a growl, "It's time for you to face us, to fight."

Newtfang was not a fighter.


But he fought that day...




He fought for his home...






And he lost.

[Micki.]

x
Most of what happened next was a blur.

I don't remember much of it, not until after I was being dragged from the river, being dragged to some clan's camp - being saved, even though I didn't deserve it. If only they had known what I had done, what I had caused. Maybe then they would have left me in the river, where I deserved to be... where I deserved to die, water gurgling in my lungs, bleeding into every inch of my being.

I wish that I remembered more of it, that I could say I remembered his last moments, his last words. But I don't. I remember seeing him afterwards, lying limp on the ground, but I don't know how it happened. I don't know if he cried out for me before he crumpled to the ground. If he went quickly or lay there suffering, hoping desperately for me to be by his side. My heart hurts and I wish to be in the river on that day again, every time I think of that...


I had moved instinctively, thoughtlessly going through the motions that had been ingrained in me - ever the warrior.

And maybe that's why it went wrong. Maybe that's why I lost him, my dear Newtfang.

I should have paid more attention, I should have stuck by his side.

He was no warrior, and I knew that. I loved that about him. I loved his gentleness, and the way his eyes always darted to me when the slightest of warrior skill was needed - "I'm not a warrior, Hawklight... I don't fight, and I don't hunt... not if it can be avoided, at least."

I miss those eyes, how they lit up when I came near, how they shone when I brought him herbs. I miss those eyes staring into mine. I miss those eyes seeing me...

They were the only eyes that ever did truly see me, understand me and all my little habits.

Now all I can remember is those eyes glazed over, staring at me without seeing me...


And I know I'm the reason my dear is gone...



The reason my gentle Newtfang died a bloody death...






A death such light didn't deserve.

[Micki.]

x
I know you went into the water.

I saw you go into the water... I saw it with my own eyes, your bloodied body being pushed into the river.

The current was fast that day, the water was almost like rapids in some places. Cats have been drowned in more forgiving waters than that river.

Yet, somehow, I can't imagine you are dead...


I can't imagine you are gone...



How could such a light be snuffed out from this world without any sign? How could the world be as bright without you, my light? How could the sun shine the same, the breeze feel the same?

It couldn't.

I know it couldn't.

I would have felt it if you had left this world, would have known. Instead, I still feel you here...



The breeze whispers your name to me.

The birds sing songs of you.

The trees grow with your strength.

The leaves smell of you.




You are not gone, you have not left me...






And I will find you, my light.