stabbed in the back and it's so fun to see everyone else enjoying themselves while they don't even notice you're not there anymore
maybe its for the best to just sit and watch everyone move on until I have some convenient significance in their life again.. only noticed when wanted/when convenient to others that pretty much describes my life but when the tables are turned and I need them guess who's there? No one, and the horrible thing is... I keep expecting a different outcome despite my previous constant disappointments. Protecting a heart is hard when it doesn't learn from it's previous pains, and there's nothing I can do about it sadly that's just my nature and it's a nature to be savagely exploited.
I genuinely just plead for someone to treat me how I treat them.. with undoubted loyalty, care & thought.. I plead just for a break for once just for a chance for me to trust someone and have it be a benefit rather than a later weakness when they set all of my emotional investment and time i've put towards them to burn I can't cope with that any more the "good person" is no longer something to be applauded these days, its nothing to admire instead it's a sign of weakness now and it's hard to see yourself slipping away from the bright person you once was into someone who can no longer trust anyone, who fears talking to others in the event of being hurt again and who gradually turns sour...
After the downwards spiral you find yourself in a never ending irritable game where the person you once was, the sheer essence of them left attempts to convince you it's not too late to be that person again, the tedious game and mentality of it drains whatever energy you had left while the rest of it is busy trying to cope with the depression this mental game is tiring me to the point where even if i wanted to talk to someone about this I couldn't the anxiety barriers are immediately put up in fear of being hurt again via sharing emotions trusting someone to care again when it's not guaranteed they will as so many others previously didn't.
maybe its for the best to just sit and watch everyone move on until I have some convenient significance in their life again.. only noticed when wanted/when convenient to others that pretty much describes my life but when the tables are turned and I need them guess who's there? No one, and the horrible thing is... I keep expecting a different outcome despite my previous constant disappointments. Protecting a heart is hard when it doesn't learn from it's previous pains, and there's nothing I can do about it sadly that's just my nature and it's a nature to be savagely exploited.
I genuinely just plead for someone to treat me how I treat them.. with undoubted loyalty, care & thought.. I plead just for a break for once just for a chance for me to trust someone and have it be a benefit rather than a later weakness when they set all of my emotional investment and time i've put towards them to burn I can't cope with that any more the "good person" is no longer something to be applauded these days, its nothing to admire instead it's a sign of weakness now and it's hard to see yourself slipping away from the bright person you once was into someone who can no longer trust anyone, who fears talking to others in the event of being hurt again and who gradually turns sour...
After the downwards spiral you find yourself in a never ending irritable game where the person you once was, the sheer essence of them left attempts to convince you it's not too late to be that person again, the tedious game and mentality of it drains whatever energy you had left while the rest of it is busy trying to cope with the depression this mental game is tiring me to the point where even if i wanted to talk to someone about this I couldn't the anxiety barriers are immediately put up in fear of being hurt again via sharing emotions trusting someone to care again when it's not guaranteed they will as so many others previously didn't.
chess
