- i'm a girl. i don't want to be anything else. i'm not confused about my gender in any way. but i've been thinking a lot about androgynous looks and clothing styles and i really like it, and i kinda feel this pull towards it. i like ties and button-ups and cargo shorts and hoodies and i sometimes wish i had short boyish hair but like...i also sometimes want to wear stuff like crop tops and skater skirts and cute dresses and little dangling cat earrings.
the thing is, i don't wear any of these things.
i have never had the confidence to wear the things i like. ever. when i was younger (before i had a job and became an adult that purchased my own clothes) my mom would buy things i said i liked for me, but then i would never wear them because i would chicken out. now i'll buy something and say "that'd be so cute! i'll totally wear this!" and then it sits in my closet untouched for months. i'm so terrified of people judging me. i'm afraid to look good. sometimes i don't think i can look good, even though people tell me that's not true. i don't wear makeup, partly because i'm lazy, but also because i'm super insecure. i can't even put on eyeliner without feeling weird. sometimes i look at other girls and they have super cute makeup and i'm like "wow, they're super pretty. i can't compete with that." and then i get angry at myself because i know i don't even try. it's so frustrating. i can't even explain why, because i don't know why.
sometimes i just so desperately want to dress androgynous. i love the style, and i think there's so many creative outfits to make while still being comfortable. but i'm afraid to do that, too. i'm afraid to cut my hair any shorter than chin length, because i've had it long my whole life. i'm afraid my family (who is great, by the way, but i care about their opinion of me) will hate it, or think it's weird. i'm worried coworkers, friends, and complete strangers will judge me. i know it doesn't matter, but i can't stop thinking about it. i feel weird and guilty when i think about wearing anything other than jeans/shorts and a t-shirt. i mean, i love being comfortable, but i want to be cute. i want to look like i didn't just roll out of bed and throw on the first thing i could find.
i don't know what to do. i'm confused. i'm insecure. i thought my stupid fears would go away after middle school. then i thought they would go away after high school. then i thought that in college, things will change. i'll magically be more confident and sure of myself, and i won't care what people think of me anymore. well, here i am, still just as insecure as i was when i was twelve.
thank you if you read this mess. i just needed to vent, because i don't have anyone i can talk to about this.
