This Is NOT A Dairy! It's A Book! (Open For Critique!)

[anfarlamb]

Hi.. It's me. Willow.



Tomorrow is my first day at High School. Should I be nervous?
Probably, actually. Starting tomorrow I will be writing in this 'Book' for real. But not 'Dear Diary' this and 'Dear Diary' that.. I'll be doing 'Hello Book,'.

I'll see you then!

[anfarlamb]

Hello Book,

Okay.. So I walked into school and someone teased me already.. Someone called me, "Brownie!" Hmm. I guess it makes sense. I am brown colored, after all. But I thought my amazing dress would be... Whatever.

I walk to my locker, throwing it open, and because of that I drop my books, making a thud on the ground. I sigh, going to pick them up when someone in a nice red jacket slides over and swipes them off the ground. He smiles, handing them over to me and says, "Hello. I'm Razor... You are? I look at him, and notice he's smiling. "W-Willow.." I stammer. He says, "If you need anyone to talk to I'm free." He hands me a card with a phone number, his. My eyes widen as he throws me a cutie look.

I walk into class, seeing Razor again. I smile shakily as the day seems to fly by. I don't get any homework, but afterwards Razor pulls me over and says, "Want to hang?" He gives me the cutie look again, and I say, "S-sure.." He pulls me over and tells me where we're going. The nearest.. Restaurant? "Okay," I mumble.

We walk slowly, and I smile at him. He had apparently reserved two seats... I guess he did it when he was at lunch. We sit down, and when the waiter comes over and asks me what I want to drink, my mind goes blank. I spit out a, "Shirley Temple."I mentally face palm, because no one drinks that. Besides 10 year olds. Out of nowhere, Razor asks for one too. He shoots me a wink. We eventually order a spaghetti, and get this. We both go for the same noodle, and he says I can have it. Amamzing, right?

[anfarlamb]

Hello Book,

My encounter with Razor yesterday was wonderful, and today I'm wearing a nice dress with a cute hat. I walk into school, smiling broadly. I head for my locker and I don't drop my books stupidly like yesterday. I notice Razor's locker is four down from mine and I walk over, and say, "Hey." I give I cutie smile, and he turns away. My mouth drops, but he turns back smirking. "Nice outfit hon." My eyes widen, he called me hon. He called me hon... The corners of my mouth tug up awkwardly. We walk to class.

In the middle of class Razor tosses a piece of paper to me and it says, 'Wasup?' I cock my head, turning around to face him. Then I scribble, 'I'm passing notes back and forth with you..' I slide it across my desk onto his, and suddenly the teacher says my name. She scolds me, and says, "Willow, you have 30 minute detention after school." Before I can protest, I hear Razor say, "I-it was me. I should go." I can't let him go, it was me who was in trouble, "No! It was me!" Before Razor can say anything else, the teacher says, "Well then. I guess you both can go to detention."

After school I sit in a plain colored classroom, and see Razor walk in. I sigh, and rest my head on the desk. The detention adviser says, "Welcome to detention. You will be sitting here up until your teacher said to. No talking or playing on anything, only thinking about what you've done." I pout angrily, pounding on my desk. I roll my eyes, facing away from Razor. I had got my only friend in detention. I sigh, and soon the detention teacher.. Falls asleep? Everyone gets up, sneaking out. I see Razor doing the same, and I motion to stay. Only.. Ugh, 20 minutes left. Finally, I run out of the room but Razor grabs me and motions to follow.

He lead me to an alley, were their were many skateboards. I shake my head over and over again, but Razor insists. I break free of his grip and I sprint away, and I can hear Razor chasing after me. I don't stop but I have to when I'm cornered. I whip around, hearing his voice, "C'mon! It'll be fun." I look at the walls and jump on one, and zigzag up the wall, standing on top. I gasp, hopping across the roofs. I jump down, and land on the ground, and I run inside my home, breathing heavily.

[anfarlamb]

Hello Book,

I can't decide if Razor should actually become friends, or something more. I slowly make my way into school, and Razor instantly comes over, wrapping an arm around me. "I'm sorry." He says, looking me in the eye. "It's fine.." I say, accepting his awkward gesture. I want to move away and slap him, but I stay, even though I necessarily don't want too. I smile, walking to my locker. He nudges me, showing me another paper. "Do you know Timmy? I heard he-" I cut him off, "I don't gossip." "It wasn't gossip.. I was going to tell you he.." Now he was cut off, by the loudspeaker, "Everyone please prepare for lockdown. I repeat, please prepare for lockdown." I freeze, but Razor somehow pulls me in a classroom.

I breath heavily, and sit underneath the coat and backpack hangers. I can see Razor next to me through the dim light, and I sigh, and he whispers, "Oh Willow.. Ever since I met you I had feelings." I can see him smile, and I say, "Well.. I knew you were something." He chuckles lightly, and continues, "And I thought that we could be something. So... Would you?" I think no way, but something tells me I should. "We definitely should be something." I nod, laying my head on his shoulder. We sit like this for a while, talking about what the rest of the day will be like. I realize the day has ended, and he once again leads me to skateboard. We walk down together. I'm still nervous, but I try anyway. I do it, skating down the street. He smiles and calls, "Fun?" I chuckle, and call back, "Lovely!"

[anfarlamb]

Would you mind critiquing my story? Great, because I'm done!

[anfarlamb]

Bump!

[Piefan]

Yo! Criticism as requested:

Something I notice about the sentences is how repetitive their structure is. Try using connectors other than 'and', and start them off with adverbs and such. As it is, almost every sentence goes as such: "I verb, present participle (or adjective)" or "I verb and he verbs".

Also, a new paragraph should be started whenever different people speak, like this:

"I am fabulous," said Piefan.

"No, you aren't," he replied.

But I'm guessing having them each in the same one was just stylistic choice.

Apart from that, nice story!~

[anfarlamb]

Thanks! <3