Undiscovered Worlds- LOOKING FOR CRITIQUE!!! <3

[LuvFinnick123]

I'm in the process of writing a book at the moment. I am planning to call it Undiscovered Worlds, but that may change.
The premise of the story is about fourteen year old Maci Denton. She, her best friend Jamie, and her crush/possible soul-mate Dustin are transferred to Trinity Academy where they meet strange creatures and learn about phycicism (seeing the future) Razamn (Magic) and Paranacy (Ability to see the dead). Strange things are going on at Trinity. Their principle is acting strange, Jamie was attacked by a creature that should be locked away, students are being targeted for murder, and a prophesy foretells of a powerful spirit that will save the school from the grip of the evil spirits that are driven by hatred. No one knows where the spirit is or even if it exists. If it is not found in time, all will be lost. Maci, Dustin, and Jamie decide to take matters in their own hands. But will it turn out so well?
If you know any good publishers accepting unsolicited manuscripts, please let me know! Thanks!

Alrighty! I decided to post some of it!!! Beginning
(BY THE WAY- I know the 'lunch' part is horrible! I'll fix it later!)


Death is a cruel thing. Maci thought seeing him lying motionless on the ground in a pool of blood. Tears were streaming down her face. It was so quick. She recalled as it's deadly claws plunging deep into him as he tried to run to safety. She recalled the look of horror and pain on his face as the blood poured from the wound. The creature standing above him laughed and stood on it's hind legs victoriously grinning at Maci from behind the force field. Once the creature bounded away, his eyes locked on hers. He screamed something to her, but she could not hear him. He yelled the same phrase over and over. She still couldn't hear him, but she knew what he was trying to say. She'd seen it his eyes many times, but he never said it. Maci sobbed uncontrollably. She was inconsolable. She yelled his name over and over. She wished she could run to him. She wished she could heal him, but she couldn't. The force field held her prisoner. Maci ripped her eyes away. She hit the force field in anger until her hand hurt. Looking back at him, she watched in agony. He said it again. She cried harder. Wiping away tears, she repeated him. She yelled it to him. He tried to smile, but the pain was to great. He rolled over and clutched his side. Maci turned away. She couldn't watch. She began to sob again.
"Maci," Jamie said with tears streaming down her face. An eerie blue light reflected on her pale skin "Look,"

Several months earlier.......

It was a cool fall day in the small city of Coronado, California. Fall break was approaching, and the students in Mrs. Welton's class were anxious for lunch. Maci Denton sat in the back of the room texting her friends. Her pretty green eyes flashed up when she heard her name.
"Maci, what is the simplified form of 2x + 5y -7x x 2 x 6?"
"What? Um… -5x + 5y x 2 x ….. 3?"
"Times six Maci," said Mrs. Welton matter-o-factly.
Maci sunk down in her chair dejectedly. She glanced at her phone before hiding it back in her jacket pocket. Mrs. Welton went on lecturing the eighth graders about equations and who knows what else, her cold eyes frantically searching for any students who may not be paying attention.
"Dustin!" She yelled as her thin lips tightened making her look much older.
Dustin jumped and scoured the room for the voice that had disturbed his 'before lunch nap.' When his brown eyes locked on Mrs. Welton's he drew back.
"Yes Mrs. Welton?" He said casually.
"Dustin, were you sleeping in MY class?" She said icily.
"No! Of course not Mrs. Welton! I would never! I was just, uh… getting a closer look at my notes," Dustin remarked drawing several giggles from his classmates.
"Well maybe I can help you study those notes during lunch," she said portraying no emotion.
Dustin glanced at the clock and banged his head on the wall behind him, messing up his perfect dark hair in the process. Dustin was the most popular guy in school; his witty humor and handsome face won him many admirers, Maci being one of them. Maci and Dustin were considered to be in the same social class. Maci had long auburn hair and sparkling green eyes, but her popularity was not solely based on her looks. Her father was the owner of a large company and employed many of her schoolmate's parents. Everyone liked Maci before they knew who she was, but when they found out, everyone loved her. Though talkative and funny, Maci would first come across as the quiet girl. Her prim rose lips and timid manor made some conclude that she simply didn't like to be around people, but as they got to know her, they found that Maci wasn't the quiet girl. She was in fact quite out going and voictrous. She had already gotten in trouble several times for talking this year. Looking up, Maci frowned as the clock approached 12:30. Every day, the bell would ring at 12:30 and a mob would crowd around Maci as she tried to escape into the halls and get in the lunch line before it stretched too far. Maci tried to be polite to everyone, but her patience thinned when strangers would block her, just to tell her they liked her shorts or necklace.
When the bell rang, 5 or 6 of the girls ran over to Maci, anxious to claim a seat next to her at lunch. Walking down the hall was torture. There were always at least three people trying to talk to Maci at once. Patient as she was, Maci tried to listen attentively as Tammi, Jenna, and Cammi tried to reenact a scene Maci had missed that morning.
"Then Cammi almost fell on a trash can!" Jenna yelled loudly. Cammi looked ashen-faced
"Did not!"
"Yes you did!" Jenna interrupted
"I'm sure it was an accident," Maci said finally getting a word in while her friends told her story after story. Maci spotted her best friend, Jamie, walking the halls alone and rushed over. "Gotta go! See you in a few!" She yelled hastily to her enthusiastic friends.
"Hey Maci!" Jamie smiled, her blonde hair swishing.
"Hi Jamie! What's up?" Maci said happily. She and Jamie had been best friends since second grade. Jamie was quite popular herself and often found notes from secret admirers in her locker complimenting her serene beauty. Jamie's unique attire and positive attitude made her a prominent trend setter. She always had Maci's back no matter what situation they were in.
"I did it! I passed my Math exam! Thank goodness. My mother was going to go berserk if I bombed it!" Jamie practically screamed in Maci's ear. The girls burst out laughing as a group of boys and a couple of teachers took to staring at the girls. Thankfully, Jamie didn't care about what other people thought of her. She waved at the staring passersby who quickly turned away. Jamie shrugged.
"How rude," she joked "They didn't wave back."
"Maybe they didn't see you," Maci laughed sarcastically
The girls walked down the hallway, Maci waving to several friends. They approached the lunch line and groaned.
"We'll NEVER make it through that line in time," Jamie said gruffly. She shrugged and walked towards the back of the line. She turned when she heard Maci's voice.
"Hang on," Maci said quietly.
She smiled at the rosy-cheeked lunch lady and went to talk to her. Maci gestured towards the woman's head. The woman looked delighted and smiled proudly. Maci rocked back and forth on her heels and said something with an incredible look of innocence about her face. The plump woman nodded sweetly and Maci waved Jamie over. They were quickly escorted to the front of the line. Grabbing a slice of pizza, Jamie gaped.
"How did you do that?"
"I told her that her hair looked nice today, and asked if it would be too much trouble for her to help me get through the line," Maci said proudly. Maci wasn't arrogant or selfish. She didn't like seeing her friend look so disappointed and found a way to fix the problem. If it weren't for Jamie, Maci would have waited patiently in line for her turn.
"Unbelievable," Jamie laughed "You'd be an excellent sales person someday,"
"I know," said Maci smiling.
They headed towards their lunch table and found their seats. Jenna had claimed the second seat next to Maci and smiled victoriously. While the second seat was often bragged about, Jamie always lounged in the first seat.
"Oh my gosh! Did you hear about Lily's new boyfriend?" Jenna squealed
"No way!" Maci smiled. While Maci liked to hear about boys or make-up, whatever the topic was for the day, she got tired of the same subjects. She was still excited by the prospect of a new couple. "Who is it?" she looked inquiringly at Lily, who blushed scarlet.
"Josh," She said excitedly.
"Josh Tappers or Josh White?" Jamie asked
"White! Why would I ever want to be called Lily Tappers?" Lily laughed.
The whole table giggled, but promptly stopped as Josh Tappers walked by.
"No way! You guys are such a cute couple!" said Tammi, nearly squishing Lily in a hug.
Josh walked by and smiled at Lily. She smiled back and promptly flushed red once again. But Maci's attention wasn't on Josh. Dustin was walking awkwardly towards the front of the line to give the lunch teacher a detention pass that allowed him to get his lunch faster so Mrs. Welton could torture him longer.
"Hey Maci! Who are you staring at?" Lily practically screamed across the lunch table, her pony-tail whipping about as she jumped up.
"Uh… No one…." Maci lied, glancing up to see if he heard Lily. "Hey! What are we doing in Science Cammi?" She said trying to change the subject. They'd never stop pestering her if they knew who she was staring at. Jamie smiled knowingly. She was the only person who knew Maci liked Dustin. Maci tried to give Jamie a dirty look, but couldn't help smiling. Jamie was the kind of person you just couldn't be mad at. Her personality was so upbeat, that no one was ever mad at her for long.
"Uh.. A bunch of notes. Bleh… Science is soooooo boring!" Cammi said. Cammi couldn't stand school. The only class she enjoyed was fashion design. It was also the only class she was passing despite her father's involvement in academics. He was the head of the education department and always scolded Cammi when she got anything under a B.
The rest of lunch was generally the same. Most of it was gossip. Maci wasn't a big fan of gossiping, but she listened politely when her friends told her about embarrassing slips or horrendous break-ups.
"Hey! Let's go outside!" Maci said relieved to have finally gotten to say what she had been thinking for the past ten minutes.
"Ok. Let's go guys! Everybody up!" Cammi yelled. Bossy as she was, Cammi was good at getting your attention. She was the loudest girl in the eighth grade. She was often chosen to gain the childrens' attention at assemblies.
They all walked out of the cafeteria and towards the stone stage that the teenagers often used as a place to run around or talk. The sunlight attacked Maci's sensitive eyes the second she stepped outside, but she tried to mask her discomfort.
"Let's go get some shade," Maci said decisively walking towards the corner of the stage. She dropped her heavy backpack on the ground and watched her friends follow suit. She sat down and sighed aloud. "This is the longest day ever," she said dragging the last syllable. Maci was sleeping over at Jamie's house that night, and couldn't wait to get out of school. She had felt like something was off. Something wasn't right. Maci felt a great urgency to get home.
"Do you guys feel like something is wrong?" Maci said reaching for her water bottle. Everyone but Jamie shook their heads. They looked at Maci strangely as if looking for a sign that she was sick or upset. They could find no such problem though. Jamie spoke first.
"I feel like I need to get home," she said uncharacteristically quiet,
"Maybe you guys have a cold. It is that time of year you know," said Tammi trying to brighten the conversation.
"Maybe," Maci said. "I sound crazy don't I?" she laughed. "Oh Lily! You never told me how Josh asked you out!" Maci said cheering up considerably.
When the bell rang, Maci said good-bye to her never ending line of friends and scurried towards Life Connections and Careers class. They were baking cookies that day and she didn't want to be late.
"As most of you know, we will be baking cookies today. I will divide you into six groups and you must decide which two of you will be cooking," Ms. Brown, the LLC teacher announced. "First group is Denise, Dustin, James, and Maci," Maci's stomach lurched forward as her eyes locked on Dustin's. She walked towards him and her other group members reluctantly, unaware of the look of shock painted on her face. Denise and James looked rather bored.
"So, who wants to cook?" Maci inquired. Denise and James shook their heads when she looked them in the eyes.
"I'll cook! Maci, you wanna cook with me?" Dustin asked. Maci tried to hide her blush to no avail.
"Sure! I've always wanted to make cookies!" She said perhaps over enthusiastically, but Dustin didn't seem to notice.
"Cool! I'll go get the supplies!" Dustin said walking towards the teacher's desk. Maci smiled as he walked away. He came back with the ingredients and two aprons. "I call the pink one!" He smirked. Maci laughed.
"It's all yours!" She said glancing at the red apron she would be wearing. He put the apron on similarly to the way a girl puts on a dress when she tried it on for the first time.
"How do I look?"
"Gorgeous." said Maci sarcastically.
"Exactly what I was going for," he said giving a quick flip of his hair. He looked ridiculous. Maci could hardly suppress the smile on her face.
"Alright Cinderella, let's get cooking!" Maci said clapping her hands, but when they turned around, their cookie batter was already made. "Did you guys make this?" Maci said angrily turning to Denis and James.
"We didn't do nothin'!" claimed James. His wide jaw agape "I just looked up, and it was all made up!"
"That's imposs….." Maci looked at the bowl the cookie batter was in. The batter was gone. She had known something had been amiss all day. She could feel that some big event was going to happen, but this was too weird. She searched her brain for a reasonable explanation.
"Uh Maci?" Dustin interrupted."The cookie dough is in the oven! Something's up. Who is doing this?" yelled Dustin angrily. The students just stared confused at Dustin. No one knew how the cookies had gotten in the oven. A long silence ensued as everyone stared at Dustin and Maci. Suddenly, the oven made a strange noise. An explosion sounded throughout the room. Dustin went hesitantly to open the oven. Cookie batter was splattered everywhere, but it wasn't the mess that made Maci wince. Words were being etched into the cooking pan that had somehow remained without a single drop of cookie dough. No one was close to the oven besides Dustin and Maci, yet some invisible hand wrote four words on the pan. The words sent a shiver down Maci's spine. You can't protect them. Dustin made a funny sound in his throat and tried to speak, but he couldn't find the words. The teacher quickly walked over to inspect the explosion, but the words were gone and so was the mess. The ingredients sat on the table unopened. Dustin went to inspect the oven.
"Stone cold," He said turning pale.
They were silent for the rest of class. Something was wrong. Who couldn't she protect? Maci wasn't sure she wanted to protect them if it caused such weird things to happen. She had always felt different from all of the other kids, but never this different. She felt alone. Isolated. She didn't participate in science class, which was strange, because she was normally quite the talker. She saw Dustin try to catch her eye several times, but she refused to meet his gaze.
"Dustin? Is something wrong?" The young science teacher said quaintly. Dustin whirled around at the sound of his name. He had been waving his arms in attempt to get Maci's attention. Dustin looked reluctantly at Maci and shook his head. "Good," said the red-headed woman icily "Now with your permission, I would like to continue," She said visibly annoyed. Dustin nodded and mumbled his apologies. Spinning on her heel, the teacher walked briskly away and continued with her lesson.
As soon as the bell rang dismissing the anxious teenagers, Maci bolted at the door in attempt to get home as soon as possible. Suddenly, she stopped in the middle of the hallway. A wave of emotions coursed through her, not only causing sadness, but pain and throwing her to the ground. The pain seared and seemed to linger in the pit of her stomach. She doubled over and nearly screamed at the incredible pain that was overcoming her senses. Stragglers looked at Maci confused, but walked on. Looking around, Maci saw that she wasn't the only one on the ground. Dustin sat on the floor with his dark eyes glassed over. He looked utterly drained and devastated. Jamie sat just a few feet across him with tears streaming down her thin freckled face. Regaining their senses, the kids stood up. The scary thing is this wasn't the first time this has happened.
"Something is very wrong," Maci whispered barely audible above the sniffles of her friend.

[LuvFinnick123]

I Would REALLY love to purchase some art for my book! I will pay! If you are interested, please PM me!

[LuvFinnick123]

bump!

[LuvFinnick123]

bump!

[LuvFinnick123]

bump

[LuvFinnick123]

Please someone! Please tell me what you think!

[suzhay]

Ok, here is what I think.

Altogether, it is pretty good and has an interesting plot. I think you need a little more in the beginning to hook in the reader. The cookie dough part might benefit from a little editing as it seems a little confusing. I think you just need to change some of the wording, especially when the words were being written on the tray. Oh, and you didn't quite describe Jamie. Other than that, I think you book is really good and hope that I can read more of it. ^_^

[LuvFinnick123]

Thanks! I know the beginning may not be very intriguing. Thanks! It actually helps me when you say the cookie dough part is confusing! I really needed this! I ask my sister and friend about these things and they usually tell me that nothing is wrong. I'll try to describe Jamie a bit better! Thanks so much!!!

[suzhay]

Your welcome! ^_^ I look giving my input on books and would love to be a publisher when I get older. The only thing wrong with that is the fact that I hate Language Arts. T_T But as you post more to your story, I'd be happy to critique it.

[LuvFinnick123]

That would be awesome! I'm not sure how much to post because I don't want it stolen or anything, so would it be ok if I sent some of it to you via PM?