(I apologize for the length; if you don't want to read this, you don't have to.)
Hey, I was wondering if I could get some opinions on this. Every time I ask family or friends, I feel like they're nice just to placate me. They don't tell me their true opinions, they just tell me to follow my dreams and that my writing is good.
So, I've been writing a story for a while that I call
Arachnid Assault: Bite of the Spiborgs. I love books that have prophecies in them, especially if they are fulfilled in unexpected ways. So, for
Arachnid Assault, I decided to write two conflicting prophecies: one told for the villain and the other for the protagonist. I have plans to fulfill both in a twist ending.
Anyways, here's a synopsis and the two prophecies. If I could have some opinions/constructive criticism on them, it would be greatly appreciated.
Synopsis:It all started as a game...
Jacob and Mark are normal teenagers ready to enjoy their summer, but all their plans fall apart when they play a new computer game called Arachnid Assault. In the game, brave rodents fight off armies of spiders and scorpions. Soon after he starts playing, Jacob gets mysteriously transported inside the game, where he quickly discovers everything is much harder to do as a four-inch tall mouse.
Loxo is a timid brown recluse. He's second-in-command of the entire arachnid army, but power is the last thing he wants. Loxo's only wish is for a peaceful outcome in the fight between rodents and arachnids. When Sicarius, ruler of the army, creates terrifying monsters known as Spiborgs, Loxo wants to warn the mice about the evil spider's plans. But how can he help the good side when they see him as an enemy?
Meanwhile, a Lucky cricket named Chirp is captured by spiders and sentenced to die. As he escapes, Chirp overhears a prophecy given to Sicarius, the evil six-eyed sand spider. The terrible prediction of the future could threaten the lives of all the creatures of the Maps. Chirp wants to do something to help, but what can one little cricket do to stop the might of the desert king?
The destinies of Jacob, Mark, Loxo, and Chirp become inexorably intertwined as they all fight for the same thing: Peace, and the end of Scarius's reign. Will the four be able to overcome the differences of their species and work together? Or will the scheming arachnids win and invade the Real World?Prophecy one (delivered to Sicarius, ruler of the spiders):
When the Player walks the Maps again,
Eyes green as blazing fire,
Beware his friends and companions,
For your situation is dire.
The armies of four Maps he'll have,
But the allies of just three,
Birdeater, wanderer, net-caster, and camel
Shall stand and fight with thee.
If orders are carried out by all
Exactly as you command,
The Lord of the desert you shall remain,
Forever king of the sands.
But if dissension thrives,
One malefactor bold
Will bring about destruction,
Death he'll reap untold.
When the Player lies helpless at your feet
And gives his final breath,
Gateway to the Real World
Shall be opened with his death.
Prophecy two(delivered to the mice):
When the Player walks the Maps again,
Another by his side,
To the spiders he will go,
The winds of fate he'll ride.
Faithful cricket and grasshopper mouse,
Deer and dormouse too,
All join as companions,
Friends loyal and true.
Seek the help of tree-dwellers,
Allies will aid you too.
Climb the mountains, fierce and cold,
Till path to battle is in view.
A traitor in the army
Will help to save the day,
Face his fears and stop the war,
Only two he shall slay.
The Player fights to free the Maps,
And to defeat Six-Eyes.
Peace he'll bring to rodents all
When the Lord of the desert dies.
P.S. In case anyone was wondering, I changed by username in honor of the character in my story. He's perhaps my favorite character that I've ever created. Loxo is the one kind, sympathetic creature in an army of vicious, eight-legged killers. He has clear morals of good and evil and doesn't understand why the other arachnids are ruthless. He has a rather violent backstory and is fighting PTSD and flashbacks throughout the whole story. Also, Loxo feels guilty that he has to kill to eat, and he only eats mosquitos so that he can make the world a better place.
Again, I apologize for length. I would love some opinions, though.
