[WolfyInAHood]

VENT ALERT


Quick vent art thing.
People really need to stop complimenting me I’m overworking myself to perfection, which is something I know I’ll never reach.
I don’t think people know the amount of hours I stay up, beating myself up physically and mentally as I strive to meet their unrealistic expectations of me. I know it’s dumb, but I hate disapointing people. It makes me feel more worthless and unnecessary to everyone around me when I don’t do things for them.
At least I have a few friends to relate to... but I really wish they were fine as well. I deserve every bad thing that comes to me, they don’t. They’re lovely people, unlike me. Even if my worst fear came true, which is everyone suddenly turning against me, I would feel like I’d deserve it because I honestly do.
I’m losing trust in everyone, I feel like I’m losing everyone. My friends tell me that I should see a therapist or something, but I’m scared. Everything I’ve said in the past has been used against me. I wouldn’t be surprised if I went that the therapist would start mocking me for being so stupid and petty.

Sorry for such a long rant I really needed to get at least SOME of my emotions out of me. I’m going to go now.

[Vieria]

I feel so much for you you have no idea.

I'm not going to lie, some therapists aren't great. But most of them are awesome. And not even the worst therapist I've ever had mocked me or insulted me, trust me they don't do that. My point is I go to a therapist, I've been to more then one, and its really helpful.

It almost makes me physically sick when people hate themselves. My struggles are with self-esteem and stuff as well. I know its hard to believe but you're not a bad person, you just don't like yourself; NOT because you're bad, but because you've got some mental stuff going on. And that's okay. It's actually okay to not be mentally okay. I'm at the library typing this right now. I spent the day here and ate the sandwitch I brought like 30 mins ago. I ate it outside, even though its almost dark out and its like 55 degrees (F) outside, because all the tables inside were taken; one had a guy sitting at it who I know by name and am very comfortable around, but I was literally feeling too socially anxious to sit across from him, even though I know he would be okay with that. I brought my own sandwitch because I have like $3 on me (the sandwitches at the shop here are like $5) and I was having too bad of a panic attack to ask my own mother for more money, my own freaking mother. THAT is anxiety, that is panic, that is not being okay; and that is okay. It is okay that I felt that way. It is okay to be myself, and to figure out who exactly I am. And if I can't do things that others can do easily sometimes, that's okay too.
And its okay for you as well. It's okay to be you. You are good. You are awesome. You are a good enough artist that I knew what your drawing was about without even reading the words in it because it spoke to me.

there, my rant over. And I'm sorry if you didn't want someone replying but it took a lot of emotional courage for me to type this. I'm now going to post it and then have a mild panic attack over whether I should've posted this or not.

Message me anytime if you need to talk (same goes for anyone else who reads this). =)

[WolfyInAHood]

I feel so much for you you have no idea.

I'm not going to lie, some therapists aren't great. But most of them are awesome. And not even the worst therapist I've ever had mocked me or insulted me, trust me they don't do that. My point is I go to a therapist, I've been to more then one, and its really helpful.

It almost makes me physically sick when people hate themselves. My struggles are with self-esteem and stuff as well. I know its hard to believe but you're not a bad person, you just don't like yourself; NOT because you're bad, but because you've got some mental stuff going on. And that's okay. It's actually okay to not be mentally okay. I'm at the library typing this right now. I spent the day here and ate the sandwitch I brought like 30 mins ago. I ate it outside, even though its almost dark out and its like 55 degrees (F) outside, because all the tables inside were taken; one had a guy sitting at it who I know by name and am very comfortable around, but I was literally feeling too socially anxious to sit across from him, even though I know he would be okay with that. I brought my own sandwitch because I have like $3 on me (the sandwitches at the shop here are like $5) and I was having too bad of a panic attack to ask my own mother for more money, my own freaking mother. THAT is anxiety, that is panic, that is not being okay; and that is okay. It is okay that I felt that way. It is okay to be myself, and to figure out who exactly I am. And if I can't do things that others can do easily sometimes, that's okay too.
And its okay for you as well. It's okay to be you. You are good. You are awesome. You are a good enough artist that I knew what your drawing was about without even reading the words in it because it spoke to me.

there, my rant over. And I'm sorry if you didn't want someone replying but it took a lot of emotional courage for me to type this. I'm now going to post it and then have a mild panic attack over whether I should've posted this or not.

Message me anytime if you need to talk (same goes for anyone else who reads this). =)

Don’t worry, you have no need to panic for responding! I honestly was extremely nervous about posting this whole thing in general. I have mentioned it in group chats a few times, but I mainly portrayed it as a joke. Everyone seems to think of me as someone who needs attention and is overall clingy. I thought people would view me as needy and attention-seeking, just like how I think everyone in real life views me. Maybe I am, maybe I’m not. I honestly wouldn’t know.

I hate asking for things because I feel as if I’m greedy for doing so. I hate the word no, I hate saying it and I hate hearing it. I’m afraid of it. I hate myself for that. I hate that I can’t accept things.

[I have worded a the paragraph that was meant to be in place of this message many times and have decided to remove it altogether. I felt like I couldn’t do it right. Sorry]

I might as well move onto what happened in drama today because it’s literally what inspired all this

After lunch, I went to physics. I had not been in for 2 weeks for that class due to medical issues and having to take the test due to missing it. I figured out that the seating plan had been changed. I had been seated away from my friends. I started panicking slightly but went on with my work, determined to please the teacher. I finished the lesson and told my friend about my small panic attack. She gave me he fidget cube that she needed to calm myself down. I went to drama. We had a whole lesson of performing. I was placed in a group away from my friends once again. I was on the verge of tears, whilst a bunch of people who barely knew me were calling me amazing at acting just for pity. I hate it when people do that. I hate it when they tell you you’re good at something when you’re really not. The same thing happens in swimming. I almost drown and get lung issues from the chlorine(seriously I’m on medication for it now) and people still call me good. I just want someone to tell me that I’m bad at something. I don’t like people lying about things like that. It messes me up because I don’t know what their expectations are anymore, so I end uo just raising the bar for myself. Then when I actually admit to myself that I’m decent at something and am proud of myself, people scream at me that I can do better and I need to try harder.

It’s horrible. All I want to do is please people.

Kay I need to finish my chemistry homework it’s 2am and I’ll probabky regret this in the morning. There is a heck ton of stuff that I left out due to personal reasons and I’m getting nervous posting this. I have never posted a rant this long before so yeah, please don’t think I’m always like this
I hope you get better with your anxiety. I have no idea what I have, but all I know is that I’m getting more and more paranoid by the day of disappointing everyone.