sO
as most of you know, and by taking a glance at my signature, I, Box., am gay. Meaning I like the same gender for love interest (I am a female, so I like females.)
If you saw my last vent, go check it out for me explaining that I am of course, LGBTQ+, and a somewhat follow-up to this one.
Let's get started, shall we?
~Discovery~
Wednesday, June 14th. Around 2:50.
I was with my friend(s), and walking back to the school property. We were just in leadership, doing outdoor activities and let them on the playground for the last fair bit. It seemed like any other day, the leaders (myself included) talked, watched the kids, and did games with them. However, my crush is also in this leader group, I mention her in the previous vent. Her and I have indeed been talking over the months, she (thankfully) doesn't know my secret(s), and nobody told her. So we are mostly friends, despite my wishes. Somehow, she brings up that she has a crush, and tells my friend who knows that I'm gay for her knows who.
I practically BEG to know, as my crush would say "You're the only one who doesn't know", which somewhat made me excited,
`If I'm the ONLY one who doesn't know, who else would it be` I would think, smiling inside.
It took quite some time to get the answer out of my friend though, and it nearly broke my heart when she told me.
Scratch that.
and it BROKE my heart when she told me.
My crush liked a guy. My crush was more than likely straight. There is no way she'd like me.
~Tears~
Once I found out, once I deciphered such, I felt like I was pulled to another reality. All black, nothing there, no feelings,
nothing. We went inside, I felt dead, I felt like tearing up. I would try to act fine, giving fake smiles, getting my stuff in my backpack and head in the classroom for the last couple of minutes.
Despite acting, when I was alone in the classroom, I sat in the corner, that moment replaying my head. ``She likes _``. ``She likes _.``
There's now way she'd like me.
She probably hates me.
No doubt, I'm gay anyway.
Why was I like this.
I was stuck in that reality. I kept putting myself down. All I wanted to do at that moment is curl in a ball and cry. However the bell of 3:05 basically stopped me from acting like that in front of classmates. I'm seen as a more lighthearted and sensitive one in my class, why should I cry over this thing?
~Alone~
Right now, it's 12:17 on the 16th. I have school in a couple of hours. I got to miss the 15th as it was a school trip.
Everything hurts.
It hurts to cry, move, and even speak.
I don't want to do anything.
Why can't I just go to my room, go home, and just cry.
No.
I feel separated, I sadly still have to attend school. I guess I have to put on the fake smile, and act normal. Who cares about my pain inside, my friend had dealt with a breakup recently, I can't let my own feelings ruin anything.
Just gotta go
and try to pull anything off
and to not cry.
Don't show fear, sadness, anger.
welp
I don't mind who sees this
I just wanted to show this
and hope somebody understands this?
This is of course, my first ever crush, love, etc.. I just don't want to let go?
well, I'll be going off for tonight
I will check this in the morning, or later on my phone.
Bye I guess
sweet dreams
as most of you know, and by taking a glance at my signature, I, Box., am gay. Meaning I like the same gender for love interest (I am a female, so I like females.)
If you saw my last vent, go check it out for me explaining that I am of course, LGBTQ+, and a somewhat follow-up to this one.
Let's get started, shall we?
~Discovery~
Wednesday, June 14th. Around 2:50.
I was with my friend(s), and walking back to the school property. We were just in leadership, doing outdoor activities and let them on the playground for the last fair bit. It seemed like any other day, the leaders (myself included) talked, watched the kids, and did games with them. However, my crush is also in this leader group, I mention her in the previous vent. Her and I have indeed been talking over the months, she (thankfully) doesn't know my secret(s), and nobody told her. So we are mostly friends, despite my wishes. Somehow, she brings up that she has a crush, and tells my friend who knows that I'm gay for her knows who.
I practically BEG to know, as my crush would say "You're the only one who doesn't know", which somewhat made me excited,
`If I'm the ONLY one who doesn't know, who else would it be` I would think, smiling inside.
It took quite some time to get the answer out of my friend though, and it nearly broke my heart when she told me.
Scratch that.
and it BROKE my heart when she told me.
My crush liked a guy. My crush was more than likely straight. There is no way she'd like me.
~Tears~
Once I found out, once I deciphered such, I felt like I was pulled to another reality. All black, nothing there, no feelings,
nothing. We went inside, I felt dead, I felt like tearing up. I would try to act fine, giving fake smiles, getting my stuff in my backpack and head in the classroom for the last couple of minutes.
Despite acting, when I was alone in the classroom, I sat in the corner, that moment replaying my head. ``She likes _``. ``She likes _.``
There's now way she'd like me.
She probably hates me.
No doubt, I'm gay anyway.
Why was I like this.
I was stuck in that reality. I kept putting myself down. All I wanted to do at that moment is curl in a ball and cry. However the bell of 3:05 basically stopped me from acting like that in front of classmates. I'm seen as a more lighthearted and sensitive one in my class, why should I cry over this thing?
~Alone~
Right now, it's 12:17 on the 16th. I have school in a couple of hours. I got to miss the 15th as it was a school trip.
Everything hurts.
It hurts to cry, move, and even speak.
I don't want to do anything.
Why can't I just go to my room, go home, and just cry.
No.
I feel separated, I sadly still have to attend school. I guess I have to put on the fake smile, and act normal. Who cares about my pain inside, my friend had dealt with a breakup recently, I can't let my own feelings ruin anything.
Just gotta go
and try to pull anything off
and to not cry.
Don't show fear, sadness, anger.
welp
I don't mind who sees this
I just wanted to show this
and hope somebody understands this?
This is of course, my first ever crush, love, etc.. I just don't want to let go?
well, I'll be going off for tonight
I will check this in the morning, or later on my phone.
Bye I guess
sweet dreams
