- slowly coming back to this site
doodle of val
just so you know,
this feeling's taking control of me
and i can't help it.
thought you should know,
i tried my best to let go of you.
but i don't want to.
i just gotta say it all before i go.
how to irreparably damage yourself in the process of growing as a person:
step i: fall dangerously, madly, incredibly, irrevocably in love with your best friend of four years. realize it when you're missing her from an entire world away. realize again and again as she's braiding your hair, as she's lying in your lap, as she's holding your hand, as you're wearing matching otter onesies, as she's twirling across the pool deck, as she's promising you forever and always, as she's telling you how perfect you are, as you're arguing over who loves the other more.
step ii: stay silent for six months, out of fear of damaging your friendship. out of fear of losing her.
step iii: be so blatantly in love with her that your mother, your friends, your lifeguard, your coaches, take note. use this as an opportunity to come out to your closest friend. grow as a human being, even as you stay silent.
step iv: miss her every second. fight yourself for months.
step v: recruit your army of wingmen. grow even more as a person. listen to them promise you that she very obviously loves you back. after all, you two argue over who loves the other more on a daily basis. she spends upwards of an hour in your lap each week. she sings things like "secret love song" to you. she holds your hand. she stares at your lips. she tells you over and over again how much she wants a girlfriend. she tells you how much you mean to her. she tells you that you're perfect.
someone can't do those things and not feel the same way, right?
step vi: tell her. past bile and clenched fists and all the warning bells sounding in your bed, tell her.
step vii: listen to the "i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm so sorry", hear the pity in her voice, hear her promise that nothing will change.
step viii: pretend nothing happened.
step ix: pretend your friendship doesn't hurt more than it used to.
step x: carry on as though she doesn't know. don't leave her side, for fear of hurting her, but don't bring your feelings up. because the pain written on her face each time you do kills you, just a little bit. stick around through the hand-holding that rips through each of your nerves like a hot knife, stick around through the other suitors and the complaints of "how single & lonely" she is, stick around through it all. pretend nothing has changed, be the friend she needs you to be. don't leave her side. the only thing that's really changed: you no longer return her "i love you"s, not anymore. it hurts too much when you're saying the same thing and meaning something entirely different.
step xi: listen to breakup songs, grieve, eat cheerios and ice cream and hate yourself for it, hate yourself for everything, spend too much time with your dog, spend too much time thinking of her. heal. act perfectly fine, tell her the feelings are gone. tell her what she needs to hear, be who she needs you to be. even when it's tearing you apart to keep holding her hand and plan ice skating trips and discuss prom.
step xii: realize at 4:19am on a saturday that's too dark for words, when she's fast asleep and dreaming of her girl, that you won the "i love you more" argument.
