by Kaesung » Tue Mar 27, 2018 10:37 pm
Dear You,
Right now, I wish more than anything that I could send you this letter. That I could make you understand, no, maybe it's so I can understand myself. I have never understood my own emotions, heart or mind, maybe you were right when you said I never gave you a chance but more than anything I know I never understand something until it's gone and over. Even after then I understand so little that it really can't even be called "understanding", it's only regret. Regret for everything. They say hindsight is 20/20, but it's all just as blurry to me, so let me express what I mean by that. I can't tell if I ever loved you, all I know now is that before the end the world started weighing on me and I have never been able to fight it. I hurt you on the days when I let the world hurt me too, all that time you were probably thinking it was you. But you're the only one who many me smile. When I look back I can clearly see, the last time I was happy was when I had you by my side. I laughed, and smiled, and enjoyed so many things, as long as they were with you. But I haven't done any of that for so long now, it feels like a lost memory. And all I see is you, every time I play a game, or enjoy a meme, or feel what could be a smile tug at my lips you are the first thing that comes to mind. Tell me, why is that? Why is it that I understand only now how important you were to me, and how much of my day was filled with you. Tell me, if it was like that this whole time, why would I say those things, why would I let you go? How could I sit there and say I didn't love you, isn't needing someone and caring about them what love is in the first place? But ignorance is all I've ever known. I didn't know myself, now I don't most of all and I don't think I will again. All that's happening in my head and I just wonder... Would it hurt so much if you weren't gone too? Would I be a stronger person if I had been able to keep you by my side? It's ridiculous I know. Being too dependent on someone isn't supposed to be a good thing, but I think with you perhaps that just happened without my even realizing it.
I only listened to my friend because I saw it too, you were overly attached and so dependent. I knew that wasn't good for you, it couldn't be. You needed something other than clinging onto someone, that was part of the reason yes but. I think now maybe that was just an excuse. I think I'm more selfish than any other person can be, because I don't even know what that would be an excuse for and I still think I was using your well-being to avoid or get away from something. Which is sickening, because I did care, yet, still not enough I suppose. Yet now I miss you so desperately, I haven't touched a single recording with your voice, because I think hearing it would break me. Hearing you laugh and enjoy things, hearing me be the same way. I can't have that back, I can never hear you again or say a single thing. But I want to, more than anything. I want to know that you are okay, I want to hear it with your own words because now more than ever I'm not, I'm really not. And I don't know if I desperately want you to know that, or desperately never want you to find out. Even now I could come running to you, but I can't, I won't let myself. I know I've become a shell of the person you knew only three months ago. I know I'm a monster who's broken herself. You deserve better than to have a person like that in your life, even though I miss you so badly. You left without a word and blocked me, and you know what, it hurt so bad, so so so bad. But I couldn't say a word, how could I? This was my fault. I couldn't take back what I said, even if I was wrong or didn't mean it. I gave up any right to comfort you, or call your name. And I can't tell if I hate you, miss you or love you. It hurts too that I'll never find out. I'm so sorry, for being such a fool. Such a bad friend, such a selfish, careless, horrible person. I just hope you are well, I hope you can live your life happily and surround yourself with better people than me.
I miss you. I'm sorry. But please never come back for me. Please never see me like this.