TheSongOfTheStars wrote:The one I was hoping for crit on is on the bottom of page [four], prompt 81 on the front page, titled "a stake through the heart would kill anyone." If you feel like it.
Uhhhhhhhm, rewording?:
""Indeed," Darkmoon rolled her eyes and slowed her pace as she realized that her daughter was panting for breath "Though I'd my rather leave you in situations like this.""
Though I'd my leave in situations like this -> Though, I'd rather leave you out of situations like this (assuming this is what you meant)
Commas:
"Instantly Darkmoon. . . " -> Instantly, Darkmoon (creates a slight pause)
". . .but before he even raised the blade fully above his head Darkmoon lunged and brought him to a swift end."
. . .his head Darkmoon. . . -> his head, Darkmoon
"Coe can you help me roll it up?" -> Coe, can you help me roll it up?
"Since the colony's have grown so isolated they'll most likely. . . " -> isolated, they'll most likely
Now that most of the grammar is out of the way...
*Inhales deeply after finishing the story.*
I love this. In a heart-wrenching, bittersweet kind of way. I got so into it, I actually set the grammar aside and simply enjoyed the story (which is hard for me to do, mind you). I just. Hn. It was really emotional. Especially the ending. After reading both of your excerpts, I've noticed the strong ending is your forte. You built up and up and up then crashed the reader down so low, they want to bawl with your characters. While the first one had a different buildup, the ending was still just as powerful emotionally, simply a more positive emotion. But I have to admit, I love this one more. xD I'm a real sucker for tragedy in stories and those scenes takes me FOREVER to write and be satisfied with. You. You did absolutely lovely~ cx