[♥ mizu]

it's really weird to deal with these feelings so i figured i'd write them out. i'm not necessarily looking for comfort/pms but fire away if you have warm words or somethin haha

1. i've posted so many times on here about my mother and all of the things that she has said to me. i tried looking for the posts but i can't find them. i know i've mentioned her as early as 2022 i think. can't find the comfort corner posts tho but she threatened to do things i can't detail on here multiple times and was generally awful to my entire family. she's a backstabbing, mean spirited woman that is full of hate but she disguises herself as a sweet, spiritual woman.

2. i've mentioned that she's suffered severe medical complications. dad says she may not make it because it's so serious. she's back home now but she still had a stroke and continues to have fairly high blood pressure. she is quite disabled now and has declined sharply since summer. she used to be able to walk and now she's not very steady on her feet.

3. she is still a hateful person and continues to be incredibly racist to a specific group of people whenever she sees them on TV. keeps call them the most hideous group of people and thinks it's "free speech"

4. all that she ever does now is sleep. she needs 24/7 care and dad and i were forced to take her or else she would've died.

5. she still gets a bit controversial with me.

6. i just don't know how to feel. dad is upset that i am so apathetic towards her. her entire disability is her own ignorance, though, because she was too prideful to go to the hospital and didn't go for decades even when she KNEW she had chronically high blood pressure. and now we have to take care of her. so, on one hand, she is a deeply hateful person. but on the other, she is a harmless old woman with severe brain damage caused by blood pressure.

7. as i've said, she may die soon. it's just. i feel so much deep resentment towards her. i don't want to forgive her. i don't hate her, i love her, but i really dislike her. she fills me with a lot of anger. all of my issues can be traced to her. i am her nurse. i should be her daughter. she's taken so many of my best years away from me. i just want her out of my life, but i don't want her to die. i went and told her i loved her last night and she did that whatever and then turned it into a lecture. but anyways i did it again today.

i feel bad. i feel guilty for resenting her but she has hurt me so much. she took my childhood away from me so, so early. she caused me so many tears. i remember praying to god when i was younger that my mommy would magically be kinder the next day.

[coffee.berry]

omg bliss im so sorry :( it must be really hard for you right now</3
i really hope ur mom gets better. i may not have the same experience
but like you said, everyone loves their mom no matter how much
she makes them feel bad

i cant say anything for sure because i dont personally know your
mom but im sure that she loves you a lot<3 even if she doesnt say
it.<3

again, sending lots of hugs to you because i know you're feeling
down and i really hope both of u feel better<3

[♥ mizu]

omg bliss im so sorry :( it must be really hard for you right now</3
i really hope ur mom gets better. i may not have the same experience
but like you said, everyone loves their mom no matter how much
she makes them feel bad

i cant say anything for sure because i dont personally know your
mom but im sure that she loves you a lot<3 even if she doesnt say
it.<3

again, sending lots of hugs to you because i know you're feeling
down and i really hope both of u feel better<3

thank you vai <3 it's just so weird because i KNOW she loves me. she used to say it often. she's shown that she loves me in some of the most toxic ways possible. she would die for me, kill for me, whatever. she's given up a lot to have me. it's just so... like. i didn't ask for any of it. and she's hurt me in so many ways. the only thing she seems to genuinely feel love for is me and she is such a bitter woman. how can i respect somebody who treats others so poorly, y'know? i've tried to show and explain to her that it isn't right but she refuses to listen and lashes out. and now she's obviously not going to change. heck, she's sitting in the living room with my dad rn complaining about liberals lol.

anyways. thank you vai <3 you're so kind and i really appreciate you :)