Get Feedback on Your Writing! [Closed]

[Eveningsdawn]

Ooh, goody. We allowed to get into conversation with you about what you say?

Username: Eveningsdawn
Writing Level: Advanced
Feedback Level: Go all out

Safe Passage

In one motion the door open, hips against
the seat, the engine coughing over, Jim
up front and the boys in back,
half-falling in, all of them drunk
and laughing, the rocking half-wild swing
of long-limbed weight in darkness--

--and me with fingers checking radio and dials,
reaching up to ask safe journey from the feather
hanging down to brush my cheek, all this as I
breathe in, then let it go. With one
hand I drop the brake, and with the other

flick the lights as I back up. In
the yard across from mine, the Virgin
Mary sudden-spotlit in the winter grass, hands
and face and rounded belly
half-shadowed, or half-worn.

Other: This has been first-round edited already. I majored in poetry at college. Hi.

[Lacuna]

Username: Viszla7
Writing Level: Beginner
Feedback Level: Go all out
Title: I haven't decided. I wait until I finish something before naming it.
A flash of lightning tore through the sky, renting it in two. I woke, breathing heavily, fearfully casting my gaze around the rock den. My shadow, contorted by the flashes, leered devilishly at me. Cowering, I crept out away, out into the night. Rain pelted me, soaking through my pelt and down through to the bone in a matter of seconds. I looked up at the sky as a crash of thunder resounded, waking me from my stupor. Shaking my fur thoroughly, I pelted back into the den, the storm chasing me away. I hid at the back of the deep rock crevice. Slowly, my eyes began to close, my breathing became more regular... and then I was asleep once more.

The morning greeted me cheerfully, the night terrors behind it. Yawning widely, I padded slowly to the den entrance, shaking my still damp fur. I blinked rapidly as my green-blue eyes adjusted to the light. Well, that was a strange night. I thought, grinning wryly as I remembered my absolute terror. Tail wagging, I continued walking, loping slowly through the forest. The leaves and bark glistened with rain, the forest sparkled as if the sun had fallen down to Earth. It was beautiful, truly. Lost in thought, I moved lesuirely through the trees. All of a sudden, I stopped, golden-brown ears perked. A rustling of bushes made me spin around. My muscles tensed, ready to attack.

I would first like to say that I don't have a lot of experience with writing from an animal's perspective, but I will still do my best to help you!

You have a lot of good description packed into just two paragraphs, and I commend you on that. I really felt like I was in this scene with your character. There are a few places (which I have highlighted in red) where it seems like there was some word confusion. I think the first should be "rending," but the second just confuses me. With the third one, loping doesn't fit in with the tone of the character's actions at all--it implies more running than "walking" or "moved lesuirely" would imply. This may sound a little nit-picky, but I feel that in something as description heavy as this, word choice is incredibly important. Just a point of advice, you don't always need incredibly fancy words to paint a brilliant picture for your reader.

Overall, I feel that you draw the reader in. I wanted to know what the character heard in the bushes, and how they would react. It's obviously hard to judge a whole story by just a little snippet, but I was definitely intrigued. Please feel free to return for more feedback on either this story or something else!

moonfreak

Ooh, goody. We allowed to get into conversation with you about what you say?

Username: Eveningsdawn
Writing Level: Advanced
Feedback Level: Go all out

Safe Passage

In one motion the door open, hips against
the seat, the engine coughing over, Jim
up front and the boys in back,
half-falling in, all of them drunk
and laughing, the rocking half-wild swing
of long-limbed weight in darkness--

--and me with fingers checking radio and dials,
reaching up to ask safe journey from the feather
hanging down to brush my cheek, all this as I
breathe in, then let it go. With one
hand I drop the brake, and with the other

flick the lights as I back up. In
the yard across from mine, the Virgin
Mary sudden-spotlit in the winter grass, hands
and face and rounded belly
half-shadowed, or half-worn.

Other: This has been first-round edited already. I majored in poetry at college. Hi.

First of all, yes it is perfectly acceptable to get into a conversation about what I (or anyone else who might end up giving feedback here) has said. I'd say that it's relevant to the thread. Hi to you as well.

I really like the rhythm of the whole poem and where you have chosen to place your line breaks. The first stanza really sets the scene and gives a great depiction of the people involved. I feel that the poem overall has a lot of good sensory imagery, but I'm missing smell. This poem could really benefit from some olfactory imagery, especially because--undeniably--drunk people in a confined space are going to smell. I think that it would make the final image of the Virgin Mary even more striking.

The contrast between the narrator and the other characters in the poem gives her a solid connection to the Virgin. The narrator is a really believable character to me.

To be honest, I am not a fan of the title. I feel like it is too plain. It didn't catch my interest and doesn't live up to the images and rhythm of the rest of the poem. Unfortunately, I'm not amazing at titling other people's work, and can only really give you the advice to reflect on it.

Finally, I'm really bugged by the first line, where it says, "In one motion the door open" because it fits so well rhythmically that I didn't stumble over it, but upon the second reading I really wanted to read "opens" instead. Just a thought there, because I wasn't present to read the first draft and I don't know if it was a stylistic choice. I'd like to express my love of the ending once more, and that's about all I can think of.

moonfreak

[videlicet]

Thank you very much! This is really helpful!!

[rheia]

Username:
Writing Level: Beginner
Feedback Level: Go all out
Title:Till Death Do Us Part
A strong wind kicked up the golden sand on the beach and gave it's two occupants the illusion of being stabbed all over by tiny knives. The pair walked with their hands clasped together though not one word was passed between them untill they reached a run down cottage just off the sea.
"go."The girl said coldly, her voice seeming to echo in the silence."The 'Mongrel' is awaiting your arrival."The look in the girl's eyes seemed to be a silent 'good luck' wish.
"Indeed."The male breathed, equally as hostile."Untill we meet again Ianto. I look forward to it."
"Go!"Ianto repeated harshly, all emotion vanishing from her eyes."I'm going to demolish you Sarov. All that will be left of you will be the echoing of your desperate cries for help."
"Tough talking."Sarov sneered, swiping a lock of sandy blonde hair from his face."For an Assassin."
"Oh we'll see who's sneering oce I've kicked your scrawny behind into next week."Ianto replied cooly, dissappearing around the left flank of the cottage where there were four stables, all occupied. The girl pulled up the hood of her pure white cloak before dissappearing into the stable farthest from her original position.After a few minutes, the girl emerged with a Cremello mare trailing behind her. Without haste, Ianto swung up onto the mare and instructed it to Levade* before signalling for it to gallop away fromn the eerie cottage. What did talking to Sarov again matter? They'd meet again when the time was right and Sarov had unlocked the secret doors which led to where he would discover his true identy. Untill then, Ianto would continue her quest and,m if it was the last thing she'd ever do, Ianto swore that she would honor her ancestors and join the creed.

*Levade is a trained stunt where the rider gives off a signal and the hors rears on cue.

Other: This is the edited and elongated version of my earlier entry.

[BMF]

The leaves fell slowly
The wind houled ghouly
The towers stood abandoned
I was there standing
Looking deep to misery
I felt this town imprisoned me
I despise the cold stone
But now i'm left alone
Standing deep in thick thoughts
This town is all I got
No one but me resides in this place
No longer on the map,just a disgrace
The darkness brews and never dies
It try's to take me,and my life
I just stand put and stand tall
Holding on,so I don't fall
But one day,i'll get sick of it
And I'll have to split
My self from this town I see
This town is the mind of me
---------------------------------------------

Can anyone critique that?

[Eveningsdawn]

Ooh, goody. We allowed to get into conversation with you about what you say?

Username: Eveningsdawn
Writing Level: Advanced
Feedback Level: Go all out

Safe Passage

In one motion the door open, hips against
the seat, the engine coughing over, Jim
up front and the boys in back,
half-falling in, all of them drunk
and laughing, the rocking half-wild swing
of long-limbed weight in darkness--

--and me with fingers checking radio and dials,
reaching up to ask safe journey from the feather
hanging down to brush my cheek, all this as I
breathe in, then let it go. With one
hand I drop the brake, and with the other

flick the lights as I back up. In
the yard across from mine, the Virgin
Mary sudden-spotlit in the winter grass, hands
and face and rounded belly
half-shadowed, or half-worn.

Other: This has been first-round edited already. I majored in poetry at college. Hi.

First of all, yes it is perfectly acceptable to get into a conversation about what I (or anyone else who might end up giving feedback here) has said. I'd say that it's relevant to the thread. Hi to you as well.

I really like the rhythm of the whole poem and where you have chosen to place your line breaks. The first stanza really sets the scene and gives a great depiction of the people involved. I feel that the poem overall has a lot of good sensory imagery, but I'm missing smell. This poem could really benefit from some olfactory imagery, especially because--undeniably--drunk people in a confined space are going to smell. I think that it would make the final image of the Virgin Mary even more striking.

The contrast between the narrator and the other characters in the poem gives her a solid connection to the Virgin. The narrator is a really believable character to me.

To be honest, I am not a fan of the title. I feel like it is too plain. It didn't catch my interest and doesn't live up to the images and rhythm of the rest of the poem. Unfortunately, I'm not amazing at titling other people's work, and can only really give you the advice to reflect on it.

Finally, I'm really bugged by the first line, where it says, "In one motion the door open" because it fits so well rhythmically that I didn't stumble over it, but upon the second reading I really wanted to read "opens" instead. Just a thought there, because I wasn't present to read the first draft and I don't know if it was a stylistic choice. I'd like to express my love of the ending once more, and that's about all I can think of.

moonfreak

Hey, ta! It's good to hear about my poetry from people who I don't know.

The first line is a touch odd, I know; the syntax is just perverted enough that it might give you pause, but I mislike the way it scans with "opens"; because "hips" is plural, it messes with the scansion and makes it repetitive. And I am super picky about that! So yeah, stylistic choice, something which is unfortunately very hard to argue with, I know.

The title is--not ideal. It's better than the first run at it, which was "Virgin in Headlights (Edie)". It's part of a triptych, about three different people (two of the others in the car, actually), and so originally they all had the names of a person in the title. I am currently sorting through my Catholic upbringing for a better title--suggestions are ALWAYS ALWAYS appreciated.


Ah, smell. My weak point. I get suuuper cliché when I talk about scent, so I tend to reserve it for the silly poems I write for my partner. If you have any suggestions on what to do to improve I would love to hear themmm.


I am actually going to throw the third section of the triptych at you! It has no title at all.


Username: Eveningsdawn
Writing Level: Advanced
Feedback Level: Go all out

Untitled (Jack)

...and then I notice (without noticing)
that sometime in the past half hour
my three-day limp is faded, sun sunk
into mending bone like slowest realization,
and I curl my fingers soft against the warmth
of my third and maybe final cup of tea today--I know
it wasn't just the weather.

When you leave I shift my weight from hip
to hip, testing all the joints and bones.
The pain will return in days or hours, this time
and always--

--but for now I think of watching
the two of you and how you moved with me, one
to each side with elbows touching mine--and I
forgot the ache and put each small foot firmly
in its place, equal weight on right then left, so that
my fingertips brushed both of yours in turn.

[Lacuna]

Username:
Writing Level: Beginner
Feedback Level: Go all out
Title:Till Death Do Us Part
A strong wind kicked up the golden sand on the beach and gave it's two occupants the illusion of being stabbed all over by tiny knives. The pair walked with their hands clasped together though not one word was passed between them untill they reached a run down cottage just off the sea.
"go."The girl said coldly, her voice seeming to echo in the silence."The 'Mongrel' is awaiting your arrival."The look in the girl's eyes seemed to be a silent 'good luck' wish.
"Indeed."The male breathed, equally as hostile."Untill we meet again Ianto. I look forward to it."
"Go!"Ianto repeated harshly, all emotion vanishing from her eyes."I'm going to demolish you Sarov. All that will be left of you will be the echoing of your desperate cries for help."
"Tough talking."Sarov sneered, swiping a lock of sandy blonde hair from his face."For an Assassin."
"Oh we'll see who's sneering oce I've kicked your scrawny behind into next week."Ianto replied cooly, dissappearing around the left flank of the cottage where there were four stables, all occupied. The girl pulled up the hood of her pure white cloak before dissappearing into the stable farthest from her original position.After a few minutes, the girl emerged with a Cremello mare trailing behind her. Without haste, Ianto swung up onto the mare and instructed it to Levade* before signalling for it to gallop away fromn the eerie cottage. What did talking to Sarov again matter? They'd meet again when the time was right and Sarov had unlocked the secret doors which led to where he would discover his true identy. Untill then, Ianto would continue her quest and,m if it was the last thing she'd ever do, Ianto swore that she would honor her ancestors and join the creed.

*Levade is a trained stunt where the rider gives off a signal and the hors rears on cue.

Other: This is the edited and elongated version of my earlier entry.

This is a lot better than the first time. Good work overall. The one thing that's really bothering me is the formatting: make sure that there are spaces in between quotation makes and periods, or it's really hard to read. Also, take a look at the spelling, there's a few words like "until" that are consistently misspelled.

You introduce the characters well in this draft, but there are a few too many unexplained terms if this is the first chapter. I think it would be fine leave the reference to the "Mongrel" because it seems pretty obvious that that's the villain, but what is an Assassin? (The fact that it's capitalized makes me think it's something other than a regular assassin.) And what is the Creed? The Assassin can probably be explained very briefly without affecting the flow of the story, but I would leave out the Creed until a time when you can better explain it. It's sufficient to write that she would continue her quest to honor her ancestors.

I'd also think about the first sentence. The phrasing is a little off; I wouldn't say "all over" because it's unnecessary and seems a little juvenile. Other than that I really like this version. The characters are strong and the reader learns a lot about them from their actions as well as their words.

moonfreak

@BMF: please use the form from the first page if you would like feedback. I don't know your level or what kind of feedback you want. Just edit that post, no need to make a new one. I'll see it.

Hey, ta! It's good to hear about my poetry from people who I don't know.

The first line is a touch odd, I know; the syntax is just perverted enough that it might give you pause, but I mislike the way it scans with "opens"; because "hips" is plural, it messes with the scansion and makes it repetitive. And I am super picky about that! So yeah, stylistic choice, something which is unfortunately very hard to argue with, I know.

The title is--not ideal. It's better than the first run at it, which was "Virgin in Headlights (Edie)". It's part of a triptych, about three different people (two of the others in the car, actually), and so originally they all had the names of a person in the title. I am currently sorting through my Catholic upbringing for a better title--suggestions are ALWAYS ALWAYS appreciated.

Ah, smell. My weak point. I get suuuper cliché when I talk about scent, so I tend to reserve it for the silly poems I write for my partner. If you have any suggestions on what to do to improve I would love to hear themmm.

I am actually going to throw the third section of the triptych at you! It has no title at all.


Username: Eveningsdawn
Writing Level: Advanced
Feedback Level: Go all out

Untitled (Jack)

...and then I notice (without noticing)
that sometime in the past half hour
my three-day limp is faded, sun sunk
into mending bone like slowest realization,
and I curl my fingers soft against the warmth
of my third and maybe final cup of tea today--I know
it wasn't just the weather.

When you leave I shift my weight from hip
to hip, testing all the joints and bones.
The pain will return in days or hours, this time
and always--

--but for now I think of watching
the two of you and how you moved with me, one
to each side with elbows touching mine--and I
forgot the ache and put each small foot firmly
in its place, equal weight on right then left, so that
my fingertips brushed both of yours in turn.

About the first poem:
Well, about the scent, sometimes I like to combine real scents with scents you can't actually smell. I was thinking in particular about this line: "breathe in, then let it go. With one" because you're already bringing in the fact that Edie is breathing, so why not have her smell something at this time. I don't want to tread too much on your poem, but I hope that helps.

Also, I like the original title much better.

About the new poem:
Once again, I absolutely love your use of line breaks and rhythm. I feel that it really embodies what separates poetry from prose.

At first I don't really know what it's about, but I do get a really strong sense for Jack, so I'm not too bothered by that. The first stanza does leave me a little out of breath, and I think it might be better if there was a period at the end of the fourth line rather than a comma. I am also seeing a strange discrepancy between the second and third stanzas--as you mention simply "you" in the second and "both of you" in the third. I know that the English language is a tricky devil and the you in the second stanza is probably plural, but it reads oddly.

By the end of the poem I still don't know quite what happened. I get two very distinct and opposite impressions--one of a father and his daughters, and the other of a scene between three lovers. As a reader I would simply appreciate some clarification, as it changes the whole meaning of the poem depending on what is the truth, one of the impressions I got or something completely different. As a critic I am simply confused. (I truly hope neither of my impressions were offensive.)

As for the title on this one, for some reason I get a really "yellow" feeling from this poem (I sometimes think of poems in colors) and that whatever it is it is a very happy experience for the narrator. I don't know if that will aid you in creating a title, but I thought I'd say it.

Overall I like the character of Jack, as he is very developed and well rounded. The poem is very emotional in a way that a reader can connect to, and based on the poems you have shown me I really enjoy your talent for getting inside a reader's head with your characters.

moonfreak

[rheia]

^^Thank you vfery much. I'll bear that in mind.
As for the whole 'Creed' and 'Assassin' thing, I've written a little flashback for later in the chapter where you learn about the Assassins and the Creed along with Ianto.
As far as I'm aware, it's spelled 'Untill'. You know, with two 'l's. That may just be a result of the country I originate from though.

[Lacuna]

^^Thank you vfery much. I'll bear that in mind.
As for the whole 'Creed' and 'Assassin' thing, I've written a little flashback for later in the chapter where you learn about the Assassins and the Creed along with Ianto.
As far as I'm aware, it's spelled 'Untill'. You know, with two 'l's. That may just be a result of the country I originate from though.

That sounds better then. I didn't want to assume too much because I hadn't seen the rest of it, but sometimes it's hard. The "until" thing must be some kind of country thing, I didn't really think about that. I'm from the US, and we do things a little funny sometimes.

[rheia]

Username:Venus Sunset
Writing Level: Beginnner
Feedback Level: Go all out!
Title:Scottish Weather Report
Scotland is struggling to cope with what forecasters and newsreporters call 'The Big Freeze'. Headlines say that numerous roads and side-streets have been blocked off because of snow and ice. The country watched as temperatures plummeted and icicles formed above doors.

For the first time in forty-six years, the Forth Road bridge was cut off because of a jack-knived lorry. Several weather men and women quoted,
"We are to expect severe weather conditions." Around a quarter of a million children have enjoyed their new found freedom caused by the snow.

Countless police men and women have quoted,
"We are asking you only to make journeys if it is absolutely neccessarry." People have abandoned cars on motorways after being stuck for several hours in freezing conditions.

In 1973 the lowest recorded temperature was minus twenty-seven degrees and as temperatures plummeted, even with the thaw underway, Scotland is almost matching that with temperatures of minus twenty-four degrees.

Snough ploughs are being brought in to clear the ice and many are joyfull for the thaw. One man, who was stuck on the M8 over night, told us,
"It was roughly minus eighteen and I was lucky that I keep a blanket in my car incase of emergencies.The man was stuck in freezing conditions for roughly eight hours.

A child whom was one of the many school children that were stuck inside their school because of the snow joked with us,
"Perhaps we'll get the rest of December off!"

After two weeks the thaw is underway and many are free to go out without fear of falling on the ice. The worst of this attrocious weather is over and hopefully it will not come back next year. Airports are re-opening and traffic is running smoothly once more.

Although we are thankfull for the thaw, we must take care and make sure that we are prepared for if the snow returns. Meanwhile, we must take care of the elderly as much as we must take care of the young.
Other: A factual piece of writing

Username:Venus Sunset
Writing Level: Beginner
Feedback Level: Go all out
Title:A Letter Home
Dear mother,
Iw hope you and sister are well. I am having a great time here in the countryside of Scotland! Already I have learned about a Cow and a Pig! A cow is a mammal with a fat body, a brush-like tail, four knobbly legs and a large wobbly bit of skin called an udder. Imagine having four legs! I've never heard of such a preposterous thing! I am having a great time here but I promise you that I will keep writing for the duration of my stay. Now, back to telling you about a pig. Pigs are ugly creatures with fat bodies, crushed snouts and stubby legs! I hate being away from you but I know that it is a must so that i am safe. I hope that I am back in time for christmas. Send father my love and hopes for the best,. Oh mother, how I miss you. I will battle through my heart-ache and tearshed and I will stay strong while I count the days untill we meet once more. Stay strong mother, no matter how much it hurts but i promise that we will be re-united. How is fathers battallion by the way? I wish you were here with me because then you wouldn't have to suffer because of rationing. My host family are lovely, though not as lovely as yourself, and they have an evacuee from another family. His name is Peter and we have become great friends over the last few months. We walk around the farm sometimes though Peter preffers to play with the young boys. I don't suppose he'd like to play around with a girl. i wonder if I could find a friend....
Farewell mother.
Your beloved Alexa.
Other: A fictional piece of writing set as a letter from an evacuee in WW2

These were all written throughout the course of 2010 and my writing ability has improved slightly since then. Still, I'd like to hear what you think of them.