🌻 vai's journal (dnp) 🌻

[coffee.berry]

🌻 vai's journal 🌻
Hello! I don't really know what to put here haha but I should
probably start by telling you about myself. I'm Vai (but others
may prefer to call me Berry or Coffee) and this is my journal,
or diary or daybook or whatever!

Feel free to look around (though I doubt you'll find something
other than my simple words here) but please don't post <3

I use code names and code names alone for my friends/others,
so anything you find written here has a FAKE NAME/pseudonym.

WI ;; online friend, met in AJ. Only contact thru YT.
MI ;; online friend, met in AJ. Contact thru CS/roblox.
AL ;; friend, met her 19-06-23
DE ;; best friend and ex-crush, met him 19-06-23
EU ;; friend
ML ;; friend
OV ;; on and off crush??!
athena ;; my classmate and friend!
misa ;; main best friend!!
PO ;; friend

[coffee.berry]

🌻 15-06-23
School finally finished. I can't tell you how relieved and sad I am that I have to leave
this place. It's like a lot of weight has been taken off my shoulders.. but I'm still going
to miss my teachers, my friends.. the sound of the younger kids running around.

When I go to my next school, I'm going to be separated from my four best friends. I
will be in the category opposite of them. Of course, I've gone through this before, but
I don't want what happened before to happen again. Losing my bond with them for
years. I just made friends with the people that happened with last time this year, and
I love them so much (we will be in the same category) but it won't ever be the same.

My crush is also going to move unless his mother tries to teach here for a third year. I
was waiting to go to this school partly because I'd get to see him again, but I won't get
that chance again if what my friend tells me is true. So I'm kinda stressed out about
that 'cause I never asked him for his contacts and have to look through the whole city
to find him and ask him.

My two old best friends (who I found out laughed at me behind my back) still think we
are "besties" and are pressuring me to get TikTok. Personally, I think it's not a great
place to be, as some people have committed suicide because of it and that's not a
quality I'm looking for in social platforms. Sure, the dances are fun but you can find
those on YouTube, so what's the point?

I've been very interested in "pov ;; you're just happy" or "songs that vibe" playlists
lately because I've been going through some stuff (friends suddenly disliking me, not
being sure if I'm on good terms with people..) and these playlists help me find
music that makes me feel like myself.. that makes me feel good.

I will be participating in artfight this year (x) and I am super pumped to fight my
friends and a bunch of people with cool OCs C: One quality I kind of feel bad about
is that I can't draw humans. at all. digitally. Maybe it's because I draw with a mouse,
but sometimes I nail humans, sometimes I don't. Usually I don't.

It's my mom's birthday today!! Happy birthday, mom!! I love you to the edge of the
universe and back - never stop being the happy, full of sunshine person that you are.

I usually don't write this much, but this is a journal, so I feel like I have to. I can't
stop thinking about my teacher. She was so nice, she made all of the students in her
category handmade gifts - a box where you take the cap off, and the box flattens
down to show 9 pictures of that student and my teacher (maybe some others, too).
I can't believe that she did all of that for US.

Now that I've gotten all of that off my chest, I think it's time to say bye for now <3
Thank you to whoever reads this, even if you skipped parts <3

And most of all, thank you to CS for letting me have this journal.
Happy birthday mom!
- vai

[coffee.berry]

🌻 16-06-23
Hiraeth.
Why am I back so soon? I have thoughts to spill, like the green tea falling on mom's
silk coaster years ago. Yesterday I had so many nerves, or maybe it was just angst.

I told my mom everything I'm worried about - the teachers not liking me at my new
school. Me not understanding what the teachers say because I'm from a different
country and I don't have the largest vocabulary in that language. My crush leaving,
leading to me never seeing him again. Backstabbing friends. Not seeing my real
friends for less than half an hour or so every day. People won't like me because I
am smart and nobody wants to be friends with the nerd, at least nobody in that
category. And most of all, I'm scared that my current friends (not best friends)
won't continue to be my friends once they see that I'm intelligent.

Looking at the above paragraph, I realize there are so many things that worry me.
I wish I had a best friend like the person I admire does. Someone who will joke
with me, call me names good-naturedly, lift me up without me worrying about
falling down. A person I can facetime every day, and they won't get annoyed even
if it's at 5 in the morning. Someone that I won't have to worry about ever losing.

If I told this to anyone, they would laugh at me, or turn red from trying hard not
to. I don't feel like there's anybody I can really bond with in my life. Not even my
best friends. I know I annoy them a lot, but they're good people so they don't tell
me. They don't know I see their sideways expressions when I say something weird,
facts about animals and my goals in life.

This place is slowly turning into a trash can of worries. I write them here so that I
don't have to carry them in my mind. It's like I'm sending them to anothr place. My
highest goal is to find a best friend for myself. It's weird.. so many people like me
here on CS, but in real life I feel almost lonely.

Yesterday was the last day of school, as you probably remember me writing. We
turned into children for just an hour, playing water-fight (my grandma does too,
once every year, so I personally don't find it childish) and throwing balloons, water
from water guns at eachother and dumping buckets of water over everyone's head.
Then, I felt complete. It makes me think. Maybe I don't ever want to grow up fully.
I would love to stay in that moment forever, even if my nike shoes were soaked.

I wonder what my old online friends are doing now. I haven't spoken to some in a
year or two, because we don't have the same socials. Two have CS, but they hardly
go on it. WI hasn't even checked her PMs. MI doesn't come often, but we still speak.

I'm going to volunteer as a helper at summer camp this year. That way, I have work
to do so that I can take my mind off things and have fun with my friends. Sure, they
may be three years younger than me but I love 'em. And three years isn't a lot.

WOAH I've written a lot. This is actually much more fun than I imagined, even if most
of what I'm writing right now sounds depressing. But I tell myself, and any others
who need it - you aren't alone. Things will get better, no matter how bad they seem.

That's all you're getting today ;)
- vai

[coffee.berry]

🌻 19-06-23
Today made me feel happier than I've ever been. Today was the first
day of summer camp volunteering! I got to participate in the things
the kids did as well because I had to help them >.0

ANYWAYS I made two new friends today (and still hung out with my
two other friends). They're a quarter Irish and SUPER NICE! I'm better
friends with AL (that will be her code name) than with DE (that's his
code name lol). They're siblings, as you might've guessed!

Why am I super pumped up about this? Al is a bit younger than me
but she's a real friend and we have so much in common. We read the
same books, listen to the same music, think the same thoughts.

I have a sneaking suspicion that DE has a crush on me. It sounds
crazy, I know, but he keeps finding an excuse to talk to me and tries
to make me laugh constantly. Is that enough evidence? I'll probably
have more by tomorrow. But this kind of makes me feel good because
I don't know, it's nice when someone likes you.

I also learned to play country guitar on the spot today! I haven't had
any experience playing any guitar well (only badly when I was young
on my uncle's electric one) and it was SO FUN. For a first timer, I
was really good at it. Maybe I'll take private guitar lessons this year.

Anyways, that was really all I had to say today. Maybe I'll write more
another day haha! See ya around ;)
- vai

[coffee.berry]

🌻 20-06-23
Today was amazing. I had to take the camp kids to the beach and I got loads
of time to hang out with mostly AL, but also DE which was cool! I found out
AL likes two book series I like, and DE likes PJO (another book series I adore).

I also smiled at him today because, hey, I'm a nice person. He smiled back
at me and then did an embarrassed smile (he looked like a frog then lol).

AL and I were judging eachother's pickup lines today and seeing which one
was the cringiest, when DE looked straight at me and said "are you a
keyboard? 'cause you're just my type". I was like "excuse me?" and he laughed
and said it was a pickup line. He won the title of cringiest pickup line x)

I'm thinking about joining this talent show at camp for the people my age
(gosh I make it sound like I'm 80) and I want to sing "golden" by Harry Styles
but I am so bad at high notes. I might try practicing but yknow.

That was all for today (and woah, thanks for 27 views!)
- vai

[coffee.berry]

🌻 22-06-23
Sunburn. I hate sunburn so badly. Usually, I would get sunburned and not feel a thing, but today
my shoulders hurt SO MUCH. But I'm going to camp anyways, because there's no way I'm missing
'it after what happened yesterday.

I'll skip to the exciting part - windsurfing. I windsurfed twice (I liked the first time more, but
the second time around I didn't fall even once!) and spoke to AL and DE for hours. DE and I have
so much in common! Our birthdays are 10 days away from eachother x)

AL, DE and I founded the Axolotl Gang (I came up with the axolotl part haha) and childishly role-
played as axolotls for a while. We (tried to) swim on our knees to look like axolotls, but.. yeah.
I'm the purple one, AL is the black one and DE is the brown one ,:)

At the end of the day, AL and DE had to leave, so I waved at them and they left, but DE came back
and asked me if I had any socials. Then he fist bumped me and it was so cute oh my gosh. He came
back for me *sobbing*

Maybe I'm overreacting a bit, but you can see why I don't want to miss a single day. Also, artfight is
giving out their themes tomorrow so I'm super pumped about that!!

One last thing: thank you to the viewers who read this journal, including a certain squid-avatar user
;) See you around!!!
- vai

[coffee.berry]

🌻 03-07-23
I am so heartbroken for a silly reason, but AHHH!!! What's up with me? I've never
truly been in love with someone else but today I felt the worst emotion, even worse
than depression, sadness and fury. Jealousy.

So, me and DE (and AL, but it's not about her today) have become extremely close.
He literally gives me HUGS. But today, something strange happened.

It all happened this morning, when EU (one of my friends) told DE that I loved him as
a friend, which was true. But.. when he asked me if I really loved him, I told him yes,
as a friend, and.. I think that discouraged him. Too much.

He's been giving me hints about a relationship the past few days, but I've been ignoring
them for unknown reasons. He didn't talk as much as he used to, and then he began
talking to ML (another of my friends), who by the way is more than three years younger
than him. I know, it's normal to have younger crushes, BUT she also had a crush on him.

And he knew it. I felt so jealous when they laughed together. I told AL, and she said not
to take it personally. She saw us together and said she saw a connection. But, I can't help
but feel really worried that he only sees me as a friend.

What if he didn't even care about me from the start?

The last straw was today when he left camp with AL. AL came to say bye to me, but DE did
not. He usually says bye along with a hug and/or a fist bump, but today.. not even a bye.

I started crying when ML came to sit next to me because I was alone. She knows I like DE. I
told her why I was crying, and her mind isn't as bright as mine, so she thought he could love
both of us. I told her that I know he likes her, and that I don't mind.

She could feel it though, and told me that DE and I had been besties since day one, so I should
not be worried about it, even if she likes him. What will be will be.

I didn't want to make her even sadder, so I stopped crying.
No more for today, sorry.
Song choice: say my name by Bebe Rexha
-vai

To DE: why are you acting like a stranger? I do love you.

[coffee.berry]

🌻 06-07-23
Why would you ever kiss me? I'm not even half as pretty. You like her
better - I wish I were M.

Oh, dear. I've been crying since yesterday. I've never had a boyfriend
even though I should already have one, according to the whole world.
I haven't had one because I know, I just know, they're going to reject
me. But yesterday, I thought it would be different.

I'll skip everything the hours before the part I need to talk about. We
were on our way to the pool, and I was telling DE that nobody had a
crush on me except for this annoying person at least 5 years younger
than me who's a total jerk.

DE told me he had a crush on me in the first period of camp, and I told
him I also had a crush on him up until EU told him I loved him. As a
friend. He told me "dang, so I still had a chance until then?" and I said
that he might still have had one if he had a crush on me still.

He laughed and said maybe he does. I said the same. There was a small
and awkward silence between us for a bit, and then he told me he did
have a crush on me. I told him I also did.

Soon, after, we were talking about my type and what I like in a person. I
said that they should be nice, have some interests to share with me, and
never make me feel bad about myself on purpose.

He said "hey, I'm all that!" and we laughed. Then, I don't know what went
wrong, but when we came out of the pool and went into lines, he told me
"also, i HAD a crush on you. I don't have one anymore." I nodded and then
I went to the changing room with AL.

I told her what happened and she got so mad at her brother. She told me
how could he ever do that, how would he have a crush on ML when I was
a million times better and prettier than her.

I cried a bit, then told her not to blame it on ML. She's like my little sister
and I don't care if they like eachother. I just wished DE didn't like HER.

Anyone other than her. Anyone who didn't actually look like me. She has
almost the exact features as me, so why is she better than me?

I went to get my stuff and AL talked to her brother (which I did NOT agree
with because it's his life) and then he was so depressed. She told him I was
really upset and sad??!! Which I was, but literally.. DON'T TELL HIM AAA

He told me he was so so so sorry and he literally almost cried because AL
was really hard on him. He couldn't meet my eyes. He tried to make me
laugh, and it worked, because I cannot stay mad at him.

He asked me if I was still crushing on him, and I lied and said no. He put
his head in his hands again for some reason I don't know lol

At the end, when I was leaving, I told him not to worry about it at all. He
smiled and said thanks.
Song: heather by Conan Gray
- vai

[coffee.berry]

🌻 19-07-23
Hey! It's been a while. Turns out, DE liking ML was just this huge prank he pulled on me.
He told me "you really thought I'd be in love with her?" and yeah, I did actually think
that. I'm not sure if he's just saying that or means it.

I know he told me he didn't have a crush on me, but what if he's scared that if we get
together, I'll leave him? Or that we wouldn't be best friends if we ever broke up? And
maybe he wasn't lying when he told me he didn't have a crush on me. Because that may
not be the case - does he love me?

Once we were doing hand signals to eachother and he said "I" and showed me the I, then
he said "love" and did the heart and then "you" and pointed at me. I know he was just
showing silly signals, and that my brain is probably just using this as a coverup for my
rejection haha, but it's fun to believe.

My current favourite song is Best Friend by Rex Orange County. It's so good, especially
when it's sped up! Not really sped up, just.. lightly.

Anyways, what else? I'm trying to glow up. I've started doing skincare (shoulda done it
sooner haha), exercise sometimes, I try to be more productive in the morning. Also, I
began watching Faline San. I love their videos so much. They made me laugh when I
really needed it (besides funny Finn Wolfhard tiktoks. No, I am not simping but he's
really hilarious haha)!! <3

When I move to my new school I'm going to take a seat without anyone else, and wait
to see who sits next to me. That person will probably become my friend because if
someone sits with you it's because they find you cool or kind-looking. So... techically,
they will also be a good person.

Plus, if they don't like me/I don't like them, then I won't have a reason to talk in class
which I don't like doing anyway, but if they're talkative..!

On another note, I really love the series Stranger Things. I'm way too late to this series
but I don't care!! I finished binging the first season last week, and I'm almost done with
season two this week. My favourite characters right now are Mike and Max. Probably
because they kind of remind me of myself/the ideal friend haha.

I'm kinda sad for reasons even I don't know. I just feel it in the pit of my stomach.
But I'm trying to be optimistic!
- vai

PS: I STILL WANNA BE YOUR FAVOURITE BO-OH-OYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY-

[coffee.berry]

🌻 02-08-23
Ayoo!! Today I'm kinda using this thread as a dream journal and such because I had
a really cool dream tonight!! I was in Stranger Things season 5 and it was so cool. I
was the new student!!

TW: fighting scene, weapons and Vecna.

I came into the high school classroom early and Lucas Sinclair, Dustin Henderson,
Will Byers, Jane (Eleven) Hopper and Mike Wheeler were already there. I started
talking to Eleven and quickly befriended the whole party. I knew everything about
them and in this dream I had powers to see the past and fly. (they found out soon)

All of a sudden, this puppy runs into the classroom, whimpering. We all jump to
our feet but before anyone can touch it, I yell "STOP! Can't you see? It's possessed.
We should all touch it at the same time if we want to save it."

So we did, and we were transported to a cottage with a forest just outside it. Not
Hopper's cottage, but a mysterious one. I hear a twig snapping behind me and
glance back. Vecna is standing behind the trees.

"IT'S VECNA!" I yell and everyone whips around to face the monstrous reincarnation
of Henry Creel, 001. He grins, white gloop dripping from his neck. "Hello, children."
he says, his deep voice giving everyone goosebumps.

Everyone runs inside the cottage, where an old man is cowering in fear with the dog
we saw at school on his lap. "H-he came to.. to my house and.. the only thing that
could keep him out was the salt on my doorstep."

"Don't worry, we'll try.. no, we will save you." I smiled at the old man. "Everyone, I
think I have a plan. Lucas and Dustin, your job is to taunt Vecna - Lucas on the right
side and Dustin on the left. Mike, here. Take my pocket knife. You can use that to
defend Lucas, Dustin, me or El if Vecna tries to hurt us."

"El and I will fight him together." I said, finally.

Everyone agreed with the plan, and we ran outside. Dustin taunted Vecna by calling
him names on the left side of the forest, and Lucas roasted Vecna completely, on the
right side of the forest.

Mike held my pocket knife and stood behind me and El. El used her powers to stop
Vecna from attacking by whipping his hands down whenever he raised them. I flew
up, and attacked Vecna from the sides with my samurai sword.

Yes, I brought a samurai sword to school. Don't ask.

Vecna rushed over to Dustin, almost slashing his face with his claw if Mike didn't jump
in front and stab Vecna's palm with my pocket knife. It was a small cut with a big
impact, because Mike had stabbed him right where his vein should be.

Vecna howled in pain, and shook his hand frantically, aiming for Mike, who had already
ran away with Dustin to the right side. I punched Vecna in the back with my sword,
grinning with delight as he fell to the ground.

Eleven floated upwards as she used a lot of her powers to keep Vecna on the ground,
Mike and I stabbing him. Mike stabbed him where his heart should be, and Vecna let
out a puff of smoke from his mouth, and dissolved into nothing.

"WOOHOO!" we all yelled, punching the air and high fiving. Everyone was very dizzy,
but at least Vecna was gone for good.

The old man thanked us, and we touched the dog to return to the school. Luckily, the
teacher sent us home for missing three hours of class, so the others could check on
Max. I had a theory that she might wake up now that Vecna was gone.

We entered Max's room in the hospital. She was laying down. "Max..?" Lucas sat down
on the hospital bed, holding her hand. Her eyes fluttered, and opened, revealing two
white eyes. "Lucas?"

"Yes!! Yes, it's me!! And El, and Mike, and Dustin, and Will!" he laughed, whooping in
happiness that his girlfriend was awake. "We also have a new friend with us.. Vai.
She has powers like El, and helped defeat Vecna!"

"Woah, thank you all so much for helping me.. My bones are all better too!!" she smiled.
"But I'm still really mad at Vecna for taking my sight."

We all ran over to Max and hugged her, saying hello and laughing at jokes and funny
moments the others once had. I even introduced myself.

And then I woke up, because my dog had somehow managed to come into my bedroom ;-;
- vai