Bored.

[Dehumanized]

Stuff. I'll write here when I'm bored. Maybe that will give me my humanity back. Ugh... If things in here are too dark or depressing, please let me know. I'll delete them then.

By the way, previously I wrote that you shouldn't post here, but I'll change that. If you have something to say to some matters, I'd love to hear your opinion, your take on that. I first thought I'd write little stories and not just mind boogers or whatever I should call this. Shower thoughts? Yea. That's probably it. Being here for my own is a great way to capture myself in a bubble. But I wouldn't want that. We got freedom of speech. So go ahead and use it whenever you want here.

Strange, I actually feel excited to hopefully read something.

[Dehumanized]

Whenever we try to become something better, don't we loose a part of what we are? Does evolution mean losing our humanity? In the end, I do wonder what being human even means. What makes us human? Once, being strong and surviving meant being human. But one thing didn't change. Early in the history of mankind, there were sightings of healed leg bones. In this day and age, a broken leg isn't much anymore. But what about in the wild? What about in the early days? Those people where cared for. They were carried, fed. Else they wouldn't have survived. I wonder how far are we from this. Did a greater group mean better chances for survival? Could we 'afford' to care for them? We humans need more resources than the world can generate. We cannot afford to care for people. We are too many.

Here I am again, drifting further away from humanity. I swear I'm trying to regain it. Humans are not making it easy for me, though. And shouldn't be a human the simplest task for, you know, a human being? Why is it so hard? Should I believe in god? Should I turn to religion? Maybe. But then again, how is something we can't see, hear or feel, something above human, help me be a human again? How should I believe that one being, unable to be proven? Yet again, how should I believe science, the sole thing that is created by humans? I'm not sure what I should believe. Or if I should believe in anything at all.

Humans are lying, deceiving creatures. Maybe we shouldn't have been so advanced. Our mind makes us do weird things. I wish I wouldn't own a mind. Or feelings. But then again, am I even feeling something?

I was dehumanized. By myself. By my mind. And if you take my hand, I'll share with you the journey back to my human self.

[Dehumanized]

I am still me.

It doesn't matter what my suffering is called. It doesn't define me. It doesn't matter if I'm diagnosed or not as it doesn't define that I am fine or not fine. Or do you think that I need a diagnose to have the right to feel bad? Misdiagnosed since childhood, my trust in doctors of all sorts is slowly fading. There isn't an exam anxiety, I'm afraid of people. So maybe it is social anxiety? Maybe, but that is not all.

To all those gifted kids out there, you are not just gifted. My parents were once very proud of me for being intelligent and diligent with my studies. But where 'normal' children were given enough material to build a house, I got the same for a mansion that you told me that I could build. Then you looked down on me, as I finished the foundation of the mansion, not having enough materials to build the rest. Where 'normal' children had a roof and a comfy home I had just a floor to lay on, nothing to protect me from the world. I trusted you. You had the knowledge. I was just a child. Your child. You failed me. You gave me what you had and wondered why I wasn't better than you. You told me to do it right but never showed me what is right. I trusted you. Now I cannot even trust myself anymore.

To my so called friend. I am at the low point. I want to save myself. And all you care about is what I could do for you. Calling me selfish. Questioning whether I truly like you or not. What you mean to me. You even passive-aggressively put me down as I open up to you. As I tell you, what drives me to do these things. I need to go this way. No matter if it hurts you or not. Because if I don't go this way, something will happen that'll hurt even more.

When I can trust a doctor again, I'll be able to get help. But for now, I need to restore my humanity back. Because I feel like a cold, calculated machine that desperately tries to regain what it has lost. I want to learn empathy. I want to learn friendship. I want to learn emotions. I want to learn to cry. I want to be human. Because I was dehumanized.

[Dehumanized]

Would you let me know what happiness is?

Disclaimer: I don't know where my mind is taking me today so yea... I just write. I don't think about what I write. I feel it. Additionally: I am not an expert on this field and those are merely my thoughts and nothing more. That is true for everything I write.

I wonder if we have a definition of happiness. A recipe. It's abstract in my mind. I don't think I would ever be happy. I enjoy things. But I am not sure if they make me happy as material things are nothing of value to me. I enjoy the time I spend with my friends and family, yet I don't feel like I am truly happy. I just feel alive. As things should be. Does gaming make me happy? Whenever I progress in a game, I feel a rush of excitement. That's dopamine. Does happiness simply mean a higher level of dopamine? We are not meant to be happy all the time. We have sad times. Times, where its boring. Times, where we are angry. I find it quite foolish to dedicate the life for 'true happiness', yet at the same time I'm in awe at their determination.

The definition for researchers that worked with 'happiness' is 'subjective well-being'. For me, that seems logical. Everyone defines happiness themselves. If a stuffed animal makes you happy, it does. If helping others fills you with the feeling of joy and accomplishment, it's all yours. Cars? Sports? Family? Find what makes you happy. I tend to look to others and see what they have. What makes them happy. Just to find out that it doesn't work for me. I haven't found my recipe for happiness yet. I'll probably trip over it one day, but I don't have the intention of searching for it. There are other problems that I have to deal with.

For example my complete absence of anger. But that's for another time.

[Dehumanized]

Freedom of Speech

Disclaimer: Please mind, I've never read into this and researched, this is just my take on the matter without researching it and I highly doubt that is something everyone looks up before they speak.

Kind of ironic that I am asking all those questions, not giving a chance to answer. Not that I anticipate any conclusive answer to some rather philosophical questions with subjective matters. Or hope to find any answers at all. As I state in the now updated first post, when you want to write something, go ahead and spill your thoughts whenever you want. I'm highly interested in these matters and especially how others view them, maybe I can learn something new.

Freedom of Speech is a rather interesting topic, don't you think? The power or right to express one's opinions without censorship, restraint, or legal penalty. Truth be told, we are far from it. Everywhere on this world. I wonder if I violate the rules of chickensmoothie, by writing about rather political things here sometimes. Anyways, if I would write something very obscure or very horrendous here, chances are I'd be either told/ politely asked to take it down, my post would be deleted or I'd get into conflicts with others. Maybe I'd be banned, who knows? When we speak, some (me included) think about whether the words on my mind should remain there or are acceptable to be spoken. I don't know if this is for all, but I highly doubt that since there are so many different people. I'm amazed by the people that just say what they think. It's an amazing gift to have in my opinion.

I understand that when we speak our mind and say ugly things, we have the right to do so. But we are not protected from the consequences. If I say that I like banana on pizza, some are disgusted. By the way, I don't like it very much but I've tried it and came to that conclusion. It's just an example. Consequences can be but are not limited to, that: some may try it, I get positive responses or even negative ones like the disgust I mentioned prior. But there are people that take it to an extreme. They seem so offended by that statement, that I like banana on pizza, that they go ape scat crazy. Over an opinion. That's something I cannot understand. Well, I understand the words - but I cannot comprehend the intense reactions some people give. That was a mild example. When I look at the definition for the freedom of speech, I cannot help but wonder - is it okay to harass someone with their opinion? I wouldn't like that and strongly advise against it, lets all be friends. We are all in the same boat. We are all human. So why do people such things? My brain cannot process this. If someone doesn't want to hear my opinion, is that violation of the freedom of speech?

At the end, I want to appeal to your human decency and common sense - do not harass anyone. We can discuss in friendly fashion and my reality doesn't have to be yours. We don't have to fight over it, as it is completely acceptable to like either dogs, cats, both or neither. Everything in between is acceptable. Everything outside is acceptable. Why shouldn't it be?

I think I ventured a little bit out of the 'Freedom of speech' topic. But hey, I never said it was just going to be about that. I don't think beforehand when I write something. It just... freely comes to my mind to be spoken - or in this case, to be written.

[Dehumanized]

"Thank you"

I am one that takes the words for what they are. What they are defined as, not by what the society uses them. But yet I have mixed feelings about those words. If they are taken for what they are, they express gratitude. But some phrases are often coupled with the modern pressure of being 'polite'. Some were taught to thank everyone for everything. Initially it's not a bad thing, but what if I'm not thankful? Imagine walking down the street and someone gives flyers out for a topic that doesn't interest you in the slightest. In theory, he gifted you something. But most wouldn't feel thankful. Imagine a worker for an organisation walking up to you. You see him but would love to avoid him. He still talks to you - as it is his job or his devotion for said organisation. Do you ignore him, shake your head or say 'No, thank you' without meaning it? Don't get me wrong, I'm not implying that these words mean nothing to me. I was just fascinated by that thought.

I can't help but wonder about a meme. A child unpacks a wrapped present, only to find an avocado inside. "It's a avocado! Thanks!" A meme many know and love. But yet I cannot differentiate if that 'Thanks' is sincere or not. And it is kind of sad that I sit here and have to wonder whether those words, that common expression of gratitude, are sincere or not. Or maybe I just suck at it.

The other question is of course, is it important? Damn, why did I ask that question now. Have to think about that. I'll edit once I have an answer for that. Anyway, I will still take the words for what they stand for. I'll always rather listen to the words, than to the intentions. Maybe that's why I rather feel dehumanized...

[Dehumanized]

I have some questions for you. Please help me to understand this aspect of humanity. It might help me to become human again.

Can our lives hate us? Do you believe in karma or fate or is everything that happens to us just chaos? Does a life have meaning for you and if so, what is your reason for living? Is your own life worth more than someone else's? Would you accept it if you received a message from God that contained the meaning of your life, even if it was meaningless? What would you do if you received a message saying "Just live"?

I can't just ask you the questions and say nothing, so I might as well try to set those rusty gears in motion and spare an answer. Life itself can't hate us, even though it can sometimes feel that way. Personally, I don't believe that life itself can do anything, because "life" is just the combination of the time we spend on this planet and the actions we choose. I also don't believe in karma or fate. You could say I believe in chaos, but I couldn't define what I mean by that. It's coincidence that all this happens, that's all. No sense, no reason. We can't control our lives at all because we have to adapt to too many things. Especially in this day and age, I think our minds are overwhelmed - that's why we have so many different opinions and options. We have too much to choose from, at least the higher you are in "being human", as an "advanced species" that is ruthlessly destroying the planet. From what to eat today, to what to wear today, from buying a house tomorrow, to what colour should my partner's eyes be. What we don't have, we create. It seems strange to me to write that. In religion, a God is celebrated for creating human beings. If we put ethics aside, could we create them? Would that make us gods? We certainly act like it. I mean humanity, not just a few. If we weren't the dominant species on this planet, we'd be deemed too dangerous and kept on a short leash, don't you think? No life is worth more than another's. Never will be. But it seems that people sometimes value their own lives more or less. I don't understand that. If I got a message telling me that my life wasn't worth anything other than living on this planet, then nothing I do has any meaning, does it? Eating and sleeping, reproducing would be the only things that have "value" to keep me alive and to keep the species alive. That's basically true for every living thing on this planet, isn't it? If there is one thing in this world that I believe in, it is balance. Humanity is not balanced. But I would be lying if I didn't say that I enjoy the comforts of our time. Do you know balance? Pests, plagues, epidemics. Whether it's the mental health crisis, which is constantly on the rise, or a certain virus that has gone haywire, this is just the beginning. We fight petty battles, we go down with prayers for thoughtless actions, and nothing we do seems of value. Even our currency is losing value. Where once we could have bought a house for 500 dollars, we now pay a hundred times that. Everything is getting more expensive, never cheaper. Everything is getting more, never less. At least when it comes to human things. When it comes to nature, when it comes to the world - we have already used up a lot of it. Nevertheless, nature will recover. From us.

Do you see any value left in this day and age? I hope so. I can do nothing but hope, because everything else has long since left me.

[Dehumanized]

Words of Appreciation

Whether it makes me happy or scares me, a great many people respond the same way to words of encouragement and appreciation. So many seem to need those exact words. Validation from others as the days and weeks in our lives bring us mostly stress. Or much of what we do is taken for granted. Is it? Taken for granted? None of our gestures should be taken for granted. It is not even a given that the earth will continue to turn. At a time when there are so many people around us, when we are constantly accessible, we have surprisingly little time to tell the people around us how much we appreciate them.

I don't know if I do it to make myself feel better or for the sake of others, but giving something to someone and hearing how it makes them happy makes me happy too. So it's not just charity, it's also selfishness that drives me to do it. Maybe even though we are loved and appreciated, it still gives us a positive feeling to hear from someone 'You are doing well. I believe in you. Take care of yourself'.

Whatever it is, I will continue to try to write encouraging words. Kind words don't hurt anyone and they don't cost anything. It is a pity that some take this less and less to heart, provided they still have a heart. On the other hand, there are enough kind-hearted souls in this world who make it a better place just by existing and sharing their light with others. These people have my utmost respect.

The concept of toxic positivity is foreign to me. I would appreciate if someone would explain it to me. So many years of experience in being alive, yet so much to learn.