* fun adventures with blissie

[blissie]

Sometimes I think of my problems and realize that many of them stem from my unwillingness to be ordinary. I wanted to be the best; I wanted to be looked at as if I had achieved the world. If there was anything, I wanted to be at the top as if that proved something to myself- that I was not ordinary, that I was someone who actually mattered.

But then I see the bustling stores and streets, people and cats and dogs running around with no leashes, and the people haggling for 50 cents off their breakfast. I see the mentally unstable-looking men and women going around asking random people for 50 cents (to buy drugs probably). I see the woman who asked me to buy her a popcorn bag at Starbucks before screaming at everyone (excluding me) randomly. I see homeless people who are suffering from mental and physical illnesses, or maybe they just lost the strength to continue to fight. Or maybe they are continuing to live because of their strength to fight. I see the woman who told me that no one would care if she died that day. And I think- maybe it isn’t so wrong to be ordinary.

Do I have what it takes to be un-ordinary? I hope I do. I really want to, but something takes over me that is so hard to break. Something that is in my innate self, something that I was raised to be. I fear- I fear the things that I don’t know how to do. I fear the relationships that I don't know how to handle. I fear the unknown; I fear it so. Maybe I am meant to be ordinary. But I don’t want to be. Tomorrow is a new day. I will make one of my many first steps towards a brighter future that I want. I want to be loved; I want to be special, and I want to be at the top of everything I do. Tomorrow is a new day. I don’t know what is going on with my life anymore. Every day feels so empty but full at the same time. I think I have too many friends or maybe just too much on my mind that I am procrastinating to deal with.