by basil! » Wed Aug 16, 2023 3:27 pm
i stumble into a tiny, reed-rimmed pond and before i know it my legs are sinking, turning cold from the water. my body follows soon, first my torso and the tips of my fingers and then further and further and futher; cold laps at my neck and covers my mouth; liquid flows into me, through me, across me.
I'm scared of these erratic thoughts my brain tells me, of how it makes me feel physically ill. in the water, i can't move or breathe. i'm helpless to the tide and currents that move me every which way, like a doll tossed to sea. Toys end up in landfills when they're worn through, boring, or broken, and maybe some of them fall to the depths of the ocean and decay there without a single memory of their existence. Plastic takes thousands and thousands of years to break down, but I think i'm more of a stuffed toy, so i wonder how quickly i will fall apart.
it's not like i want this. it's not like i can continue those delusions of mine, the belief in a purpose for endings from my younger years. I still miss wandering the roads with you and planning our death.
but i can't do such things anymore, i can't because now i want and i have promises i've made. it just makes this all the more painful. it makes it unbearable.
i know these are delusions. the water keeps eating me. under those crystal glittering waves, i can't see anything clearly
i cannot even sleep; my body shivers and shakes and begins to disintegrate.
i would cry, but i'm in the ocean already.