─ rain ─

[Tanjiro]

You told me I was a flightless bird & burned me down.
From these ashes, I will rise & become the phoenix I always was.

[Tanjiro]

He projected his insecurities onto me. He was afraid that he was not good enough, so in turn, he tore me down.
I told myself I would be okay, that I could handle it. I tell my friends that I'm okay so that they wouldn't be burdened by my pain.
But the truth is, I'm hurting so damn much. Even after the whole relationship ended.
It was sly at first, asking me why I couldn't be as pretty or fit as the girls that caught his eye, & then masking it as a joke.
I know well enough that beauty shouldn't be compared, but I started to compare myself to others as time went by.
I became replaceable every time his ego was hurt. He made sure I knew I was replaceable.
Instead of being there for me when I needed him, he threatened to leave me if ever I cried again.
It was hard to leave because, by the time I had realized he was not the one for me, he had already stripped my worth.
Whatever confidence I had built up over the years, it's gone now.
I thought I was stronger than this, but my year's worth of effort was knocked down by cruel words said to me.

The thing is, I'm not the good guy either. Once my self-esteem was torn, I stooped to his level.
His words were small but hurtful & constant like small needles jabbed into my heart.
In turn, my anger was explosive & rare, but it left no survivors. I hurt him too, & I had no right to.
I feel like the whole ordeal turned me into a worse version of me.
I try to catch myself when I'm being bitter, but there's so much bitterness built up inside of me.
I'm gonna be better, I'm gonna take time to heal again.
Sometimes I feel like no one's ever going to love me, but I will collect the shards of my broken self & rebuild myself again.
I am strong & I know it.

[Tanjiro]

I give up on love. Romantic love. I will accept it with open arms when the time is right, but I am just too tired.
I genuinely don't understand it. Nor do I know what I want from it. I realized that I had problems with developing feelings of romantic love a few years back, but I accepted it as maturity. I develop temporary feelings that last about 2 weeks max, but it dies immediately once I realize that I'm only feeling lonely & not actually liking the person yikes. I'm struggling to get by, I simply can't invest in other people right now.

[Tanjiro]

I can't go back, & I can't forgive you either. But I miss you.
I miss our small talks, our ability to get excited over small things.
But we are both too different to go back to how things were. We have both moved on.

[Tanjiro]

It's funny how they say I fall out of love easily because they cannot accept the consequences of their own actions.
My closest friends would describe me as loyal to a fault. I'm also very forgiving, even when they do not deserve my forgiveness. If I can forgive & love my mother after everything, I can love many people infinitely. I've held my closest friends dear for many years, so how could you say that I fell out of love for no reason?
It wasn't dramatic, or sudden. It was the slow deterioration of my motivation. I had put all my efforts into making him happy, & in return, he would make me feel less than enough. Time after time it faded my love for him. Every word that tore into my heart made me realize that I loved him a little less. Every day I loved him a little less. Until...

Until one day I woke up next to him. His back turned to me as usual. I realized the day was going to be the same: he was going to shove me to the side. Falling out of love is a long process for me, & that was the day I realized I did not love him anymore. I got up & left. I thought I was going to eventually cave in & visit him again, but I did not. Ironically, I was less lonely alone, because no one was there to remind me how worthless I was. During the relationship, I kept telling myself that I was overreacting & I needed to settle with his needs too. But now I know that I deserve better than to feel less than the treasure that I am. He told me he felt lucky to get me, but he never put in effort to keep me after that.

[Tanjiro]

Growing these plants have made me realize how beautiful & celebrated life is.
From sowing them to germinating them, I obsessively watched over them & tended them, careful not to make any mistakes.
When the sprouts grew, I proudly displayed them to everyone.
For the first time, I have realized how beautiful life is.
Perhaps I can celebrate my life just like these little plants.

[Tanjiro]

I thought no one could heal me. I trusted too easily.
When I rejected you, I expected you to hurt me too. Spam my messages with threats, tell lies about me, yell at me.
But instead, you said you understood my feelings & remained friends with me. That must've been really hard, but it was also what made me realize that I was looking in the wrong place.
There wasn't really a spark that started our relationship.
I liked you freshman year of high school but you didn't like me back.
You liked me freshman year of college but I didn't feel the same anymore.
I'll never tell you this, but the turning point was when I walked with you in the city & you carried gallons of water bottles to give to people in need.
You stop to talk to everyone & buy them food you wouldn't even buy yourself.
You treat me with no difference.
All my past flames had standards for me in what I wore, what I did, & what I said. But you have standards in how you treat me.
That's the difference.
My ex screamed at me when I cried, but when I cried you cried with me & said that it hurt you to see me sad.
That's the difference.
For the first time, I'm happy in a relationship.
I don't feel like a helpless dog on a leash & I'm not insecure around you.
You make me the best me,
so thank you. I love you.

[Tanjiro]

I don't really have much to write about these days.
I'm not really sad anymore, I think. Maybe I just pushed it into the corner of my mind.
I don't feel ugly, but I don't feel particularly pretty either.
Song lyrics don't matter to me like they used to.
My mom still occasionally hurts me with her words.
But surprisingly, they don't hurt me anymore. I don't fight back, I don't hold any anger. I move on.
I have quit drinking & smoking for the better, of course.
Nothing gives me the rush anymore. Just work & learning. Learning & working.
I hate working. I hate programming these computers I barely understand.
But I don't let it get to me. This is what I pay for in exchange for money.
I think I really did sell my soul for what my parents wanted.
I don't blame them though, they want the best for me.

[Tanjiro]

I saw you in the corner of my eye, passing by me as I rode in the passenger seat of my friend's car.
5 years already.
You should have known better than to lie to someone so innocent & naive.
I felt the world end when you left. Thought that there could be no one other.
The pain was no other. My first heartbreak mixed with teenage angst as many would call it.
The Earth around me shattered as my heart crumpled.
For so many years after, I questioned if I was enough.
You were the muse to my pain, & so many poems were written in your absence. With your name.
I hoped that the world would bring us back together.
I foolishly wanted you to be my forever.

We make brief eye contact & look away.
There is no spark in either of us.
Just dull recognition & perhaps a slight twinge of guilt in your eyes.
I laugh it off with my friend. We poke some fun at you but I hold no resentment or feelings anymore.
Life moves on.

[Tanjiro]

You posted a video on how you are hurting. Words hurt. Always be kind.
I follow those morals, but I just cannot sympathize with you.

Words hurt. Always be kind.
You never considered that when you made my life a living hell for some damn reason.
You found my traumas & used them against me. I never would've thought someone had the heart to do that, but you did.
Does it really make you feel better when you make me feel worthless?
& even after you sent all your friends & boyfriend to call me names,
I still let you sit at my table when you had no one to turn to. Not because we were friends, but out of respect.
& at that table, you still bullied me the whole time.
I forgave you even when you made no effort to apologize, & you still went around making up rumors about me.
Jealousy & insecurity was your excuse, but you never gave me a proper apology.
You just wanted pity. You said you hurt me because you were hurting. But I have done nothing.

Words hurt. Always be kind.
You pride yourself on how you don't wear makeup. But why do you bring down other women?
There's a pattern of you targeting girls who hurt your self-esteem by trying to make them feel small.
Why do you put so much effort into hurting people? Haven't we grown & learned from our mistakes?
You are too old to be doing this.
You accuse everyone of being an awful person, but you never consider it as a consequence of your own actions.
You are hurting from bad people, but you have also hurt people.
I think you should learn from your own words.

Words hurt. Always be kind.
Your words stuck with me, & honestly I despise how you obsessively make up rumors about me even though we don't even talk.
I always felt some sort of injustice on how you get away from doing all this,
but in a sense, you aren't getting away. Words come back.
I can't say I'm happy or satisfied with you hurting, I hope you find your peace, but I also hope you can learn from all of this.