─ rain ─

[Tanjiro]

A healthy ending hurts just as much as a toxic ending. They just hurt in different ways.

The end of a toxic relationship hurts like a violent wave in the middle of the ocean. The much-needed closure is swept away by a tidal wave of emotions. Pain churns into rage before slowly dying out into apathy. But after the ego is healed, there is not much to remember about the relationship. Every memory is already soured.

But you. Everything you did for me was so sweet. You took my dogs out on lazy days, you bought me food on bad days, you pulled my life together when I simply could not. I still imagine we would be together if distance and time weren't so unforgiving. When it ended, the pain came as soft waves on the beach shore. I was okay, I had my closure knowing that this was the best for both of us. But the ebbing pain still washes over as I see my messy home, my dogs who miss you like crazy, and during my loneliest times alone. Parts of you were missing in parts of my life, and it's a challenge that I have to eventually adjust to.

I would say the pain of both endings hurt the same, but you are so hard to get over.

[Tanjiro]

I graduated college! Which is quite crazy to think about.
I felt like I sold my soul to the coursework these past 4 years. I have become less philosophical through the years. No longer analyzing the bigger meaning through the lingering motions of life, but somehow emptier than before. No longer hating my reflection, but not love it enough to put in the effort anymore. I lost the trust in some friendships that meant everything to me, & I stopped putting in the effort to keep relationships & friendships.
I felt exhausted. If I stopped for a break I would be miles behind on deadlines. Even though I did not achieve any significant awards at graduation, I was still proud of myself for making it through these 4 years that broke me.
But amongst the struggle of the major that I struggled to survive in, I also found myself in ways I would not have known. I became shy & reserved, yes, but that filtered out the handful of friends that truly meant everything to me. All these years I wanted to be liked by everyone, when I really just needed to be loved by a few. I found love in nature again, the beauty I loved as a child & somehow lost during my bleak teen years. I developed a healthy relationship with my parents, got 2 dogs, & loved & lost some relationships. I unlearned the toxic traits that abuse has instilled onto me, & I learned how to love & forgive. I quit trying to find happiness in meaningless activities & found my passion again through rekindled old friendships & strangely enough, my bin of worms.
I can't say college was the greatest experience, but I did learn a lot from it. I know that I will become the best version of me from now on.

[Tanjiro]

I always loved the rain, it never rains here in my new place.
& yet, I'm happier than I ever was, drenched in that sadness.
I almost forgot about the sentiment writer in me, translating every moment into thoughtful poetry.
Those words have been translated into numbers.
I am fighting to survive. I have to be more intelligent, retaining the logic & letting go of the emotions that come with it.
I want to be smarter, I want to be rich, I want to be successful.
No matter how much I pretend, I cannot escape the fact that I was not born to do this.
I will always have to push myself to understand the numbers,
but writing will always come naturally to me.

[Tanjiro]

I can finally say that I am proud of the woman I have become. Because I had to raise myself & teach myself to be the best version of myself. I am my own proof that I can be anyone I want to be.
So thank you to the younger me for staying strong,
I am here to tell you that it does get better.

[Tanjiro]

Daydreaming is so fun.
Because even my wildest dreams stem from a place where I know I am completely capable of achieving it.

[Tanjiro]

You left your hoodie here,
& even though you're not here I still lay on those sleeves,
pretending that it all worked out in the end.

[Tanjiro]

To my old self:
I couldn't wait until I transformed into someone else. I couldn't wait to grow up.
But now that I'm older, I find myself scrapping up the pieces of the person I used to be.
I miss the girl who loved hard and was able to translate that pain into poetry and art.
I miss you.
I will find you again.

[Tanjiro]

I am no longer that girl who will accept defeat so easily.
If I'll have to struggle, so be it.
I am going to grit my teeth & pick myself back up.
I am not going to stop until I reach my destination.

[Tanjiro]

How have you been?
I wonder if you knew those words would have my mind racing. Or maybe you were genuinely curious?
But did your genuine curiosity prod your absent heart to ask more questions about me when you never did?
I wonder why you do that, especially since you're aware of my fondness for you.
Despite it being unrequited, you let it bloom into love.
You are cruel in a way, yes. & when so many girls fawn over you, I start wondering if it was just a simple infatuation I've had for years.
But I realized that it was admiration for who you are. You continued on at times I gave up. You persevered. I wanted to be like you rather than be with you.
(Because we both realize that we aren't compatible)

So that's why I wasn't sad when you rejected me again because you have allowed me to get close enough to learn your secrets.
When you told me I had potential, I chased after the potential. I left all the possibilities in the past and I ultimately left you in my past. So why are you back? Occasionally checking up on me and telling me about how you've been. I know how this ends (like it always does). My wishful heart will draw endless possibilities (you know this), & she'll tell me to chase you again. But I know better than to play the fool. Our paths will come close, but they'll never cross.

I'm old enough to differentiate between wishful thinking and reality. I fell for the idea of you & you fell for my potential. We'll never make this work, as much as I have wanted to.
I have loved you for many years. That part of me will want to chase after you, but instead of that, I write about you on a chickensmoothie.com (lol) to sit with the feelings of what could've been. But I'm grateful for you because you were my role model & you play a crucial part in my life (the part where I become a better person). So even if our paths never meet, I am grateful for our time together, for you have taught me the most powerful lesson.

[Tanjiro]

He is incapable of loving me... In this universe at least.
Because he will never change into the person I deserve and I am not willing to settle for a life of unhappiness.
So I take that bitter reality and make it bittersweet; I imagine us in a reality where the world didn't break us so that we both had the capability to love each other.

In that universe, I did not leave a trail of destruction. I am confident, I have boundaries, and I work at that big tech place I always dreamed of working at, because in that universe I believed in myself and put in the work to achieve that goal.
In that universe, he was the man he promised he was in this one. Rather than the empty shell of a person, he had a spark for life. He is compassionate, reflective, hard-working, loyal, and loving.

We would grab lunch together every other weekday and a date every Saturday. We would make each other laugh the same way in this reality. His eyes would fill with happiness the same way in this universe, only this happiness lasted forever. That man would tell me he loved me when he genuinely meant it because in that universe his love wasn't conditional. His promises for marriage and a family were real and he would work hard towards these goals (and I would too). In that universe, we were a team rather than competitors. And maybe things wouldn't work out in that universe either. Maybe our goals and differences would eventually drive each other apart, but in that universe he is happy and that is enough for me.

I can't change my past, but I can still become that person, with or without him.